Faded 10 years ago, now considering DA'ing!

by NutFlush 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  NutFlush

  Thanks for the comments, all -- lots of good points, some of which I hadn't considered before. A few thoughts:

  It sounds like DA'ing isn't even an option since I wasn't baptized. I get that no one at the Hall cares about me, but that's obviously not the point. I'd only have done a DA'ing in order to have it affect my relationship with my JW family, nothing more.

  Although I'd like to see my parents and little sister escape from the clutches of a cult, I'm not sure I care enough about them to exert the considerable effort that it sounds like it would take to even attempt to do so. I haven't called my parents since two years ago, when my wife and I kept reaching out to them to encourage them to attend our wedding. Not pay for it or help plan it, just show up and have a good time. After much teeth-pulling, they did arrive, but in retrospect it would have been better if they hadn't. They were withdrawn and hostile around my wife's family, and my mom kept rolling her eyes whenever we'd walk by. Our wedding director had to practically order them to step into the reception area for our first dance as a couple. Other guests kept approaching us to ask what was up. It was embarrassing.

  I am grateful that my parents weren't completely opposed to education. However, at the time, their position was in tune with the Society's -- post-HS schooling was okay, as long as it was done with kingdom goals in mind. They paid for a small part of it. (FWIW, my middle sister was a zealous, self-righteous JW throughout college, so my folks happily picked up the whole tab. Three months or so after graduation, she told my folks she didn't want to be a JW anymore, although technically she hasn't DA'ed. I'm still a little annoyed with her about this, since I feel that she essentially got to have it both ways, so to speak.) In that way, my experience is probably envied by some exJW's. That's nice to hear, but it doesn't make me resent my upbringing any less and I'm not sure how it should affect my behavior towards them moving forward. Just because you're not living out on the street doesn't mean you shouldn't aspire to getting out of living in your car.

  I'm extremely nervous about having my parents in my life as long as they're still in. I do not want them to have any chance to be able to teach my daughter any of the things that I had to deal with growing up. I may just let things be as they are and not make any effort to have them in our lives, or I may give them the ultimatum that they won't be fellowshipping with me until/unless they make some hard choices.
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  jamiebowers

  It sounds like to me that you need to do some forgiving; not for the sake of your parents but for the sake of yourself. Once you stop wasting energy on resentment you can employ it elsewhere with better results. Really, dear heart, it doesn't matter whether you had it slightly easier than many jw kids. What matters is that your parents and upbringing caused you pain and continues to do so right down to this day.

  Deal with that first, and everything else will fall into place. Please don't forget that your sisters were victimized by your parents' misguided cult thinking. A "whatever gets you through" attitude may be appropriate for your siblings than resentment for whatever they had to do to survive and thrive. IMHO, you can't see the forest for the trees. The WB&TS is what screwed up your family.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I'm extremely nervous about having my parents in my life as long as they're still in. I do not want them to have any chance to be able to teach my daughter any of the things that I had to deal with growing up. I may just let things be as they are and not make any effort to have them in our lives...

  If you stopped there, I think it would have been okay. You don't have to force anything. You don't have to exclude them. I don't recommend unsupervised weekend visits of your daughter with JW relatives, as they would highly likely want to indoctrinate her. But it's not a big deal if they visit on their own and try to enjoy family. I even recommend dropping them a card or call for all the big events so they know what's going on and feel like part of the family. Any brief indoctrination attempts can be overcome by debriefing the daughter.

  ....or I may give them the ultimatum that they won't be fellowshipping with me until/unless they make some hard choices.

  If they gave you an ultimatum, you know what choice you would make. In my opinion, leaving a door open is the anti-JW way to act, it's loving and understanding.
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  freewilly01

  From reading your post it seems that you are really pissed off by the negative influence that the BorgOrg had on yourself and your family over all those years. I honestly feel the same with a similair story, without the college education glad you had the perception to pursue that.

  Is your motivation out of revenge? or well intentioned and purposeful? I have to admit that there are times when I feel exactly the same. I have even ponderd the thought of plackarding at the summer assemblies with a sign that reads.......................JW'S A DANGEROUS RELIGION THAT RUINS FAMILIES CONTROLS MINDS .....BREAK FREE ASK ME HOW! (so I got it bad also)

  What helps me to get those feelings under control is to put myself in their shoes , If I was still in what would I still think?Probably that I wouldn't give a damn about what you said personally of if you were DA'd.

  Its also a no win situation, a one in a million how did we ever get into this situation with the whole BorgOrg, I guess we can thank our parents for their really bad decision making. When we are away long enough and are older we really appreciate how much family really does mean , so I guess what I am getting at is that a little disfunctional family contact with our members who are braindead is better than none at all (in most cases). The main fact is that we show our integrity to those who are close to us and that we are honest about why we left.... make sense?
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  Doubtfully Yours

  Congratulations on your successful fade.

  Now, please, do yourself a huge favor and move along positively with your life. Don't marinate on the JW thing another minute.

  Perhaps you shouldn't even lurk in here; this place is crawling with folk that have nothing better to do than ponder the whole JW thing instead of moving on and creating a good life for themselves.

  Be happy with life and yourself.

  DY
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  NutFlush

  Although I do believe there's a part of me that's acting out of revenge, I don't think that's the primary factor at play. I've only really started thinking about all this in earnest since my daughter was born and I had to consider what, if any, relationship she would have with her paternal grandparents.

  Shunning my parents is cruel. But, as the WTBS has proven, it can be a very effective and powerful Machiavellian tool to accomplish a desired purpose. In the past couple of years, I haven't been the one seeking out their attention, but the other way around. They would be the ones getting hurt, much as WT shunning is most effective when the DF'ed person still desires friendships with those who are still in.

  I am not mad at other Witnesses who I knew growing up, whether they were congregation leaders or regular brothers and sisters. I won't be picketing conventions or making videos. One reason for this is that I'm lazy. The other is that I have nothing to prove to anyone still in the organization. I moved across the country with no money and only one friend in a new city. I weathered layoffs, a recession, and many, many bad dates, most of which were unsuccessful due to my then-awkwardness with actually being on a date with (gasp!) a worldly girl. I ended up marrying a wonderful and understanding woman who is also my best friend. I own a house in the Hollywood Hills. I was a cash money millionaire by the time I was 30. I had just about everything in the world stacked against me, and I overcame. I won. For those who were and are severely handicapped by the effects of the time they spent in the organization, speaking out against the WTBS is like standing up to the schoolyard bully. For someone like me, it's like beating up a quadraplegic.

  I disagree with the notion, which seems to be prevalent around here, that it was really the WTBS that was responsible for what my family has gone through. Sure, if my parents hadn't been taught how to behave by the WTBS, I wouldn't have had the painful experiences that I did. However, as my dad often told me, we are all ultimately responsible for the choices we make. My parents had many opportunities along the way to consider if what they were doing was really beneficial, really something that "God" would want from them. My dad stepped down from being an elder when I became a teenager and my folks encouraged me to do well in school. This tells me that, if anything, they were more capable than most sheep of realizing that they were heading down the wrong path. That makes it their failure to act all the more disappointing and that much less forgiveable.