Faders, How Often Do You/Did you Want to Pull the Pin on that Grenade?

by OnTheWayOut 29 Replies latest jw friends

chickpea

my circumstances are different in that
my family ( me hub 4 kids) were the only
ones in/associating and i was the last
one "out", by default, as i didnt even
know i was "fading" til i was well past
the point of no return..... i had never
even HEARD the term "fader" until the real
gods smiled on me and arranged
circumstance to lead me to aposta-ville
i have no keen desire to disrupt anyone's
allegience to the b0rg.... i WAS them and
at certain points attacks against "mother"
would have redoubled my efforts to cling
more tightly and actively.....
that being said.... i think i not only pulled
the pin on MY grenade, i fell on the sucker
and it completely blasted away any notion
that i have any regard for the b0rg or the
things it declares as truth.... i stood proudly
by my transgender son in a front page article
that included quotes about a lobbying effort
in washington DC he and i had participated in....
so i am PUBLICLY known as a queer ally AND
a political activist AND a board member on
the very active local PFLAG chapter...
think they think i am just waiting for
encouragement from a shepherding call?
(well, the phone aint ringing... not to arange
a "call" or to announce a JC... i am radioactive
since two of my kids were molested in that hall
and i am pretty sure i am a boil on their
uber-righteous asses)
what i DO hope is that the fakers/faders
who want out will figure out i am approachable
and if they want to know what i know, i am
sending them here... to JWN.... to deprogram
and get their real lives on track....
(this community has one KH and a huge
territory that bleeds into 2 counties)
Girlie

Honestly OTWO, I am contemplating turning in my DA letter after my trip next year. I am sharing a room with a sister/friend who is somewhat aware of my feelings about this cult. Don't want to make the situation uncomfortable and pay double occupancy for a room. lol However, I am somewhat hopeful that I can perhaps convince my parents to reconsider their stance with it before leaving. Their not totally indoctrinated yet, but I know that it won't be long before they become full-blown.
OnTheWayOut

I get it that some of you feel just like I do. You could blow up at the JW's in your life and try to slap sense into their skull. But you generally don't believe the sense would get through that way.
Just to describe the feeling of "wanting to pull the pin" a bit better, the JW's in my life assume the problem is mine. They accept that I am a caring, loving, intelligent person until it comes to religion. At that point, Satan must have gotten to me. It's a contradiction that they don't see clearly. Also, if I exchange gifts at Xmas, the wife finds it so strange- further proof that Satan got to me. If I take an interest in politics, same thing.
I am not desirous of putting a tree in my living room or picking up the smoking habit or joining the campaign of a local politician. Still, I am not fully myself as a fader. I have always advocated fading for those that want to try to keep family contacts. You can always abandon a fade if it doesn't work out. I will keep the fade for now because I have an understanding wife who isn't looking to report me to the elders. I can "dabble" in holidays and she is okay with that because I can run logic circles around her about why I exchange gifts.
blondie

I think it would be easier to have faded if you have no jw spouse or they leave when you do. The difficulty lies, I think, is living in a divided marriage. I never had much contact with my jw family the last few years and had no emotional ties and my husband more or less left when I did.
miseryloveselders

I'd love to toss that grenade, but it would bounce off a tree and roll back down in my foxhole. I'm fortunate in one aspect, that I'm not married. It's rough too, because I'd like to date, and there are definately options for me. However knowing the conflict I'm having with this religion, I wouldnt want to get involved with a JW woman, hiding the personal debate I'm experiencing, only for it to be a problem down the road. It's funny how, times I'm out and about whether getting groceries, or at work, even on my way to and from a meeting or field service, I see and know personally women I'm attracted to, but cannot do a thing because they're not JWs. So that's one frustration which some days is more difficult than others.
Then there's the internal debate. I'm hiding the most dispicable secret. Have I murdered anybody? No. Have I stolen something? No. Have I had sex outside of marriage? No. What's the secret then? I don't agree 100% with WT. I was over my parent's home a couple weeks ago, and mentioned a couple reservations I have. The response from my Mother was severe. She as much told me, she would be through with me if I left this religion. My Father was more reasonable, telling me to be careful of apostacy. He's more reasonable because he has some complaints regarding this organization too, but not as strong as myself. Plus he's invested too much of his life in it to cut if off now. Not to mention he deeply loves my Mother who is a die hard. They're older in years, and I owe them far too much. I couldnt hurt them like that. It might kill them. I couldnt live with myself causing that kind of pain.
Then there's the problem of hiding this secret while serving as an elder. When I do parts or discources any more, if there's something I disagree with, I don't touch on it at all. There's enough I can accept and agree with the WT on , that this doesnt create too many problems for me. But every now and then, somthing comes up, and I have to be very diplomatic with my tongue. I feel like a hypocrite, I probably am. To go in field service, and actively promote something your not entirely in agreement with, makes you a hypocrite, at least partially. To be considered an example in the congregation, a spiritual role model, and hide this secret, makes me a hypocrite.
Jesus said his load was light, but he also talked about how he would divide families. He talked about what was involved with carrying the torture stake. I guess all of this is what he meant to a degree. Not so simple to just pull the pin on the grenade.
lepermessiah

I won't close the door on my belief in God/Christ but I won't ever let a man dictate to me what I should and shouldn't believe.
X- well said!
I told my wife a few weeks ago, "those guys arent anymore inspired than my big toe" ..... she really couldnt argue the point with me, but fear doesnt allow her to get past the "F&D Slave Class" crap we were all ingrained with.
I am a caring, loving, intelligent person until it comes to religion. At that point, Satan must have gotten to me. It's a contradiction that they don't see clearly.
Thats a great point OTWO - My wife told me "well, if you can quit serving Jehovah, you could quit me too".....I told her that number one I still have faith in God, but I am convinced that this organization has nothing to do with him, and also that my love for her was not conditional on her being a JW, and that my marriage values and vows are MINE and MINE alone. I quit serving a man-made organization posing as God's voice....thats how I see it. Its not like I am going to go around and start acting like a prick or something - in fact I feel like I am a better person because I feel much more compassion toward others and have a totally different view of "worldly people" - I was always very liberal in my association anyway, but I feel my horizons expanding.
OnTheWayOut

Misery, you poor fellow. Strength to you on this. You are going to need it.
You all need to do what you need to do. My heart goes out to you.

lepermessiah

HI Misery!

I cant imagine still being an elder and dealing with the situation. Fortunately, I had already resigned 
before I started down the path I am on now. 
It sounds like the Grenade for you right now would be like the 
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail! 

I wish you all the best - there is great advice on here about resigning as an elder without causing 
a total mess....... 

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
 Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three
 shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
 shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
 excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once
 the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
 thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
 in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
 MAYNARD: Amen.
 ALL: Amen.
 ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
 KNIGHT: Three, sir!
 ARTHUR: Three!

undercover

I've managed to make it clear that I am done with the WT and JWs to most that know me well without having to use explosive devices. Mine was more like well placed sniper rounds that hit their target but did not cause panic among those in the surrounding area.
Even still though, there are times with family members that I want to do just as you described OTWO, scream at them that they're in a fucking cult and they need to get their head out of their ass. But I've learned, sometimes the hard way, that that approach does not work with hardcore dubs. It only reinforces their belief in being right and persecuted, so I bite my tongue and keep my cool and learn to just drop hints or point out inconsistencies when possible.
It's a lonely life...being a sniper. Sitting up in the town's church tower all by yourself going hours or days even with out an object to try to take out. Rations are light and the weather sometimes bad...and you never know if you'll get reinforcements in time if you're discovered by the enemy.
OnTheWayOut

It's a lonely life...being a sniper. Sitting up in the town's church tower all by yourself going hours or days even with out an object to try to take out.
LOL. If my JW family could read that example, they would be even more sure that Satan got to me.

Faders, How Often Do You/Did you Want to Pull the Pin on that Grenade?

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