I know there is talk on here about post traumatic stress and its affects, but I never imagined I'd feel like I was going through it. Now, not on a large scale I hope, but the last few days I've just really been feeling the hurt of losing my family, and those people I counted as friends in the congregations and assemblies that will not longer view me as acceptable to be around. My teen daughters have friends, and a crowd to be around, and my husband has even made some contacts that he had before, and ones that he's met new that share hobbies and interests. My younger ones are just thrilled to be attending parties for birthdays, and class holidays etc.
Then there is me. I can't seem to get over this hump. I reveled in gathering new information and feeling right in my leaving the Org. and that hasn't changed, but my need to fill myself with words of others, and their lives experiences has lessened.
I recently had an oppurtunity to start a new business, and it is moving along quickly, but I'm just panicked. I can't put my finger on if I'm just drawing too many parallels to the Org with this job, or what, but I'm just deer in the headlight panicked by it all, and I can't stop just sobbing from my belly today. Just sobbing. It doesn't make sense!
My job is as a broker/agent for major life and health insurance companies. We insure all people, those that figure they are uninsurable, those that are self employed, those that have no coverage from the small companies they work for, or their companies insurance is too expensive, you name it.
BUT....I have to also drum up these leads and people, leaving pulltabs, and flyers, and handing out my cards and talking to strangers about it. I went up to a few business to see if I could leave a flyer, and it was like informal witnessing to me. I had a crunch in my gut over it. I hated the preaching work, absolutely hated it. I felt like if people wanted a religion, they'd find one, who were we to come in an try to change people, and with threats no less. I tried to disassociate the two in my mind, and move on. I was just being silly. Then there is the calling. Sure these people are filling out info that they WANT coverage, but I still have to call, and with a script just about, and try to set up a meeting with them, and damn if it doesn't feel like trying to start a bible study!!! Add into that I really have a hard time on the phone, making and taking calls is a sort of phobia for me, I could go the rest of my life and not talk on the phone and be just fine and dandy.
My husband left for a (free) hunting trip this weekend, and got snowed in where he is, and can't make it back today, and now I have the dilemma of keeping kids out of school so I can go to the mandatory work meeting, and I'm feeling poor woe is me thing, because I'm not having any fun, I don't have any friends, and everyone else is going and doing and living life, and here I am calling on people that may not want my message, trying to talk to them about something they may not want to change, or afford, and while the money is SO DAMN GOOD, I just don't know if I can do it. The constant pushing myself to sell sell sell, I feel like a regular pioneer of insurance world. My manager is pulling in 6 figures, and we are about to lose our house to foreclosure. My husband and I have been unemployed since the spring, and stand to lose everything materially, have lost everything spiritually, family, friends...it's just too much. And now they are all counting on me to pull it out of my ass and save em all. Don't get me wrong, my husband has small construction projects here and there, but the market is just not there for his line of work. He's trying too, I just feel the pressure. I spent the last 16 years raising our children, and was finally about to get a break, and now I feel like I'm the one who is going to break. I just can't handle the pressure right now, and I'm sad, and I'm scared. And you