Inability to develop close connections with others

by Lemon_Lime_Shasta 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  Finally-Free

  I had a lot of friends and a very active social life before I joined the JWs at 25. I lost those friends when I joined the cult, and I never really fit in with the JWs, so I spent the next 20 years with no friends. At first I resented it. Later I aclimatized to the situation, and eventually learned to prefer solitude. Now that I'm out I've found a couple of friends, but it's not the same as when I was young. After 20 years of living in an emotional and social vacuum, I'm no longer comfortable with too many people in my face. I'm not as easygoing as I used to be either. I've succeeded in driving off a few people that could have been good friends.

  W
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  yadda yadda 2

  I feel very similar to you. I think growing up in the JW's inculcates a very 'us v them' attitude towards wordlings that prevents you forming close friendships with them. I was aloof and distant from worldly males all my life as a JW, and now I struggle to relax and feel natural with them since leaving the org about 5 years ago. I still feel 'different' from them somehow that seems to inhibit my ability to form friendships.

  I would compare it to someone from anothe culture and country who moves to a new country but can no longer associate with persons of their own culture - they are going to really struggle to feel comfortable in forming new friendships with persons of another culture and country.
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  Beachwalker

  Hi, Lemon & Lime! It's all part of the process of grieving, I'm afraid. You'll get through it. How about going to classes or hobby groups? You'll find somebody with the same interests. Reading books about people skills is good too.

  People tend to sense if you have a 'great big secret' and could possibly shy away from that. So if anybody asks what are you doing for Christmas just say I'm going to see the folks or something, you don't have to tell the whole story from the get-go.

  Once you are comfortable with people then you'll be able to say, oh, yes I'm having christmas with friends this year, and if they ask why, then you start telling them.

  There's some fanstastic people out there, so let them in!

  Beachwalker
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  Simon

  It's funny, when you are being brought up you are indoctrinated with this view that non-JW's are somehow all dishonest "ne'er-do-wells" who you can't and shouldn't trust etc ... but one day you realize that the non-JW's can actually be trusted WAY more than your "friends" (really just vague acquaintances) that you were forced to chose instead. It is a powerful form of controlling people and keeping them captive by intentionally and systematically dissuading people from forming true friendships with anyone outside of the group.

  When I was a JW I was much more of a loner than I am now, since I discovered just how nice it is to have some real friends.

  There's some fanstastic people out there, so let them in!

  This is sooo true. Don't worry about making a fool of yourself - you probably will at times, but then the worse that happens is it makes people laugh which is a good way to make friends!

  Being brought up as a JW (or 'in a cult' as I like to tell it) is a talking point - contrary to what the WTS told us, most people haven't got a clue what it was about or some of the strange quirky beliefs (I commented to a friend just last week that I'd never had a birthday party and she was amazed 'cause she had no idea that was part of being a JW). So, talk about it ...

  I would compare it to someone from anothe culture and country who moves to a new country but can no longer associate with persons of their own culture - they are going to really struggle to feel comfortable in forming new friendships with persons of another culture and country.

  Ha, I think that may be us, LOL. Actually, we've tried not to be just 'ex-pat' Brits and instead work on becoming Canadian. It's probably been useful because just being foreign provides plenty of talking points to chat with people.
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  SirNose586

  Being open and honest about your feelings and past is a good start. That's what I'm fixing right now. The JWs taught me to clam up, so no one can know how you really think, and no one can catch on to your "double life." Now that there is no double life, just my life, I try to open up and talk about feelings and concerns, and express myself more fully to people.

  It's scary to trust people with your feelings. But the fear needs to be quenched.

  Good luck in your journey to meet and be open with new people, Lemon Lime Shasta!
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  AuntBee

  " They DONT hate you for it , and they DONT have all those prejudisms towards the JW as we have learned in the KH." -- Being a worldly person, outsider, never been a JW, i have to agree completely with this. I don't know anyone who would dislike a former JW, or think less of them ,etc. I think most people just take you for who you are now, especially if you seem basically kind and caring.

  If you develop even the most basic social skills, you'll be ahead of MANY people. LOL. Number one on my list is asking them questions about themselves, and showing interest in their life , and what they are interested in. I'm still amazed how few people can ask good questions of others, and show sincere interest.
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  Lemon_Lime_Shasta

  Thanks for the replies all. It felt nice to talk about that and have other folks share their experiences. Maybe I should have posted here earlier instead of lurking for 7 years...
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  yellow

  I sympathise with you Lemon-Lime-Shasta I'm in the same situation as yourself haven recently got out. I joined as an adult and through time I noticed the lack of depth, insincerity and superficialness of a lot of witnesses. Through time I recognized I was developing these traits myself and I hated it. I'm now working on this it aint easy but its getting better. Going to clubs and mixing with others its slowly wearing off and i'm getting my personality back.
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  cyberjesus

  Welcome!, not only you but most of us, remember we are told you are only good if you love johovah, so we learned all other people are wicked, so bad that they are gonna be destructed in Armageddon so why should we even mixed with them? Also we think of if you are not good then you are bad.

  I ve been Dfd for 14 years. only 3 months ago I opened my eyes. So during these years I went from girl to gilr they allways werent good enuf cuz they didnt love johova, I didnt really develop friends and the friends I used to have were gone with the religion so I was a loner for 14 years. Just recently started developing real friendships and now I m proud to say i was a JW not cuz im proud of the JW but becuse I am proud of being an ex-JW until i become an ex-exJW

  Cheers,
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  AdaMakawee

  Hey Shasta,
  Boy do I understand this dilemna! I grew up in a tiny mountain town in NW Montana US, we were not considered good association because my dad didn't (then) attend meetings. The other witness families were not allowed to associate with us, nor were we allowed to talk to anyone from school after (on the way home) or at any other time than during classroom situations.

  My parents were fanatical and we were raised on fear and intimidation and constantly told that we were nothing but that if we went out into the world satan would get us if the evil people out there didn't do it first.

  So consequently I find it extremely difficult to talk to people, I just can't seem to make a connection. Even with people here on JWN. I don't know why, but people just don't take to me. I don't know if I come off as stand-offish, mean, flaky, or what, but I never seem to have people want to engage.

  I call it being socially retarded, though that isn't PC I suspect. The older I get the more I like my dog! If you find a cure please do tell.

  Ada