Did u have a well trained conscience?

by Newborn 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  WTWizard

  At one point, I would go the whole nine yards (although I would not pio-sneer because I would not do something like that after being hounded for bad motives). I got rid of a lot of music that was not even all that bad, and wasted all too much time in field circus.

  However, the rule was that, if Jehovah was going to continually do things to p*** me off, then I am not going to do things to please Him. He wants me to suffer, I want Him to suffer. Ultimately, as He continued to p*** me off, I started p***ing Him off on purpose. I started blowing off boasting sessions and cutting way back on field circus, getting the "bad" songs back (and even worse ones), and eventually doing apostasy just to p*** Jehovah off even worse for p***ing me off with not fulfilling my needs.

  Now, the only thing that would bother me would be to go back to doing the things that witlesses are supposed to do, and supporting the witlesses.
• 

  creativhoney

  things that gave me a bad conscience.

  going on the christmas do

  sex

  booze

  rock and roll.

  - hey guys if your going to have a bad conscience, enjoy - dont have one for not pioneering :)

  On a serious note though, the guilt you carry daily as a witness is phenomenal. I have so much calm around me now I dont wake up every day answerable to the elders (I dont say Jehovah, he didnt bother me too much) - but now if I make a mistake or do something Im not particularly proud of I put it down to experience, not think do I go to the elders do I hide it, i have to disappoint my mum, will I get DFd what impact will it have on this that etc, - its no wonder most of them have to take medication, its shameful.
• 

  jamiebowers

  I pioneered for most of my time as a jw, so there was no guilt about not doing enough in field service. And by the time I quit pioneering, I got a fulltime job to save enough money to eventually flee a dangerous jw marriage. I did feel guilt over the fact that I couldn't seem to be a better wife, at least a good enough one to keep my jw husband from physically assaulting and threatening to kill me.

  I also felt guilty about watching the occasional PG movie and listening to the radio in the car.
• 

  creativhoney

  thats horrible. they really had you. then you have shown extraordinary strength of character in standing up for it. how dare someone beat you and dare to advocate the true religion! - but thats a story of many women in bad relationships. - i read a really good book on that topic.. women who love too much by Robin Norwood.
• 

  jamiebowers

  women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

  I read that book. It was good. But the only reason I stayed in my jw marriage as long as I did was due to cult mind control. Staying was expected by everyone I knew, so I stayed. And I hated my jw husband with everything that I had from almost the very beginning.
• 

  White Dove

  I've thought about this and came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a Bible trained conscious. It's more like how in touch are we with our own humanity and how it affects our quality of life. We should avoid things that could strip us of our humanity and self-respect.
• 

  blondie

  Things worked pretty well for me when I stopped trying to please humans and looked at what Jesus required of his disciples. I was always prepared with a JC answer for any human who tried judging me. That thinking probably kept me in longer.
• 

  yknot

  I think my conscience speaks of the era it was first molded.......

  The main focus until about 79'-ish was suviving Armageddon and NewSystem readiness.

  From 79-81 it was about biblical principle and not following the mere dictates of men. It wasn't enough to 'serve' one had to be discerning so as not to be misled when Satan really began to do his worst....Be like the Bereans was the battle call.

  I rejected what I have since learned was the circling of the wagons around the Oracle instead refining the teachings back to the Bible. I am in awe of Ray for standing his ground and the path he has taken.....

  There have only been a few things in my life in which my conscience was disturbed......none of the were JW related.

  As for Newborn's list..... I was restricted by the Nazi PO so I figured the fault would fall at his feet.....though I did an awful lot of informal witnessing and with the exception of not starting studies at school was a model WTS child. Every report was WTS based or related unless directly assigned, every comment I could make I tried to incorporate the Truth......Being a JW was more my identity than being me as an individual.

  I knew the Nazi PO didn't decide my salvation but at times I would have nightmares as a child of being the only person left on earth that wasn't allowed into the safety zones created by Jehovah in the last days....... I was at the airport watching everyone else being approved and accepted, my mom was always the last to go......and then i was completely alone watching the last planes leave and waiting to be destroyed....such cruelty and desperation all borne from those who believed the WTS when it said (as said today at the PT) we were living in the last hours of this system of things.
• 

  White Dove

  Yknot,

  I enjoyed reading your heartfelt post. Trying to be the best JW ever and then fearing that it wouldn't be good enough is a horrible thing to instill in a child, that and fear of demons.
• 

  White Dove

  I'd think that a consious is simply what keeps you honest. Why even need the Bible for something that is naturally regulated in everyone? If it falters, your nature takes over and sets it right again by torturing you with bad feelings. I'm just musing here.

  Edit to add: It's conscience and not that wakeful period word, right? I get them mixed up.