My mom assigned an elder as her Health Care Proxy and now dr. won't speak to us

by heyfea 19 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  heyfea

  Hello to all,

  I haven't been able to visit the forum in a long time. Life has gotten complicated since my husband's business declined. I'm the only one in

  the household with a steady income (peanuts). On top of that I'm also the only one who does house chores. I'm getting worn out by the

  weeks, no longer by years. But there's another worry which fell upon me and is that my mom got a stroke, heartattack, she had a horrible

  infection, plus was dehydrated when found. I really thought she was going to dye. She has since recovered very slowly, more than two

  weeks in the hospital already. I'm glad she's coming along, but there is an issue that arose in the hospital. She had with her her health

  care proxy given to her to fill out by the WT in which she named one of her elders as her proxy.

  Can you believe that the hospital will not provide her children with any health updates about her because our names are not in the proxy?

  I spoke to her social worker regarding this document my mom signed really not knowing everything the document will imply, in other words,

  my mom was dupped, deceived, brain washed. All the social worker could tell me is that she needed to protect my mother's rights and that

  what my mom signed, she signed, and it needs to be respected. She made me look like I was trying to manipulate my mother into changing the

  proxy. In any case, she said that a psychiatrist has to evaluate my mom to see if she is fit to make decision before anything could be changed.

  My sister and I are fuming because we were told that if, God forbids, my mom died, we were not going to be informed. The hospital will only

  inform the person named in her proxy. We are pissed! I feel like telling that stupid elder named in her proxy to come and change her diapers

  if he's so concerned about my mom, or to pick up any bill not covered my Medicare.

  I think the WTS doesn't tell the rank and file what these documents represent. They should be accountable for what they make the brothers

  sign.

  Has anyone heard of something similar? How was it handled? I'll appreciate any light into this subject. I'll check for responses soon.

  Thanks in advance

  Heyfea
• 

  Snoozy

  Have the Brothers told you WHY they don't want you in to see her?

  I had one with hubby when he was dying but don't remember anything on it that gave me permission to exclude anyone from visiting him..I would have had that power being his wife though..

  I would think children would have that same right.

  I thought the proxy was just to make medical decisions for them if they were unconscious or too weak.

  Did you visit with your Mom or have a relationship before she went into the hospital? It sounds like she was sick for a while "Before someone found her".

  Did they show you the legal papers that showed you wouldn't be allowed to see her?

  When hubby was sick I had two forms I had to fill out for the laison committee..I have them stored away but I can find them if you need to know what is on them.

  I'm sure someone here has a scan of the papers.

  Sounds like you are going through some pretty hard times..hope you get a break soon..and tell hubby to step up to the plate and be a husband, not some spoiled lazy child. Tell him to go wash cars, pick up cans, anything to make a buck and help out..and teach him how to cook, make beds, and do laundry..
• 

  ssn587

  If hospital won't notify you about what is happening with your mother, then tell them to send any and all bills for uncovered medical expenses to the elder(s) named in the proxy. If they think they are able to make reliable reasoned decisions based on their bible (OR WHATEVER) the WTBTS is using to guide them. They they are fully capable of paying the bills.
• 

  heyfea

  Thanks Snoozy for your reply,

  We always had a decent relationship with our mom.

  My mom was babysitting for a friend when she felt sick and fell asleep. Her friend found her asleep and knew right away something was wrong, so she started dialing all the number's in my mom's cell phone.

  My sister and I have been visiting my mother every day. We even helped the nurses change her, clean her and feed her. The thing is that since my mom does not speak English, she asks us to tell her what is the doctor's prognosis, but when we ask the doctor, he refuses to tell us because we are not in her proxy. We told our mother the problem and she says that she didn't know the person in the proxy was meant to be the only one who could receive medical updates about the patient (aside from making decisions if the patient is unable to). That's the real problem. We could respect her refusal to receive blood, but we want to know everything about her health.

  My husband is working every day; he's very hard working, but his clients are taking longer and longer to pay him. It's a sad chain reaction. You see, he reglazes bathtubs, sinks, tiles, etc. mainly for management companies, but these management companies are not getting paid by the building's owners because the owners are not getting their rent paid by the tenants who, I assume, are out of a job. It's really a mess.

  I have tried to make my husband help around the house, but is a lost cause. He does have one excellent thing which I appreciate a lot; he does the groceries. He's at Costco with my son now.
• 

  Quandry

  I would try to ask someone from the hospital administration to come to the room and talk with mom while you are there. Or, have mom sign a paper stating that she wishes to change the proxy designation.

  You said:

  I feel like telling that stupid elder named in her proxy to come and change her diapers

  if he's so concerned about my mom, or to pick up any bill not covered my Medicare.

  By all means, do this! If you have no say in her treatment, you should not be asked to pay for ANYTHING.

  If any issues arise over bedsores, feeding, bathing, make the hospital call the elder...no matter the time...day or night.

  Ask him where he lives, and tell him that since he is willing to assume responsibility, he may need to come get her and take her to his house. Hand him a bag of adult diapers and diaper cream as you are telling him this.
• 

  Snoozy

  Heyfea, since I posted this I have talked to my brother..he is in L.A. and lives alone in a hotel with his 4 cats. He works there so he gets a discount on his rooms. We usually talk once a week or every other week but I couldn't get hold of him this week.

  He has been there for years and has several friends but they along with him are all getting older.

  Well I just found out he was in the hospital for the last 10 days. Seems he passed out in his room out and no one found him for two days. He had a lot of tests and I was furious as the medics just took him to the hospital without looking for ID of any kind. His wallet and phone were on the table in plain sight.

  He tried to call from the hospital but couldn't remember any numbers because of being sedated. It broke my heart to think of him being alone. I know the pain you are going through now and if I were you I would definately talk to the involved brothers from the laison committee to see what the heck is going on.

  Hopefully your Mom hasn't put them in her will if she has any funds to leave.

  With my brother I couldn't stress strong enough to have some sort of family list in his wallet . I keep a list in my purse..hopefully they will look in there if anything happens to me.

  Course if they don't bother to look for a wallet it wouldn't help.

  I wish I could count how many times they came in to talk to hubby about his blood type as they hadn't even bothered to read his chart and seeing the copies of his POA and Medical directive in it. I started getting angry after a while..what good does it do to have any directives if they don't bother to look at their personal chart?

  I had even made untold copies and had them put at the nurses station and gave one to each Dr that saw him and of course at admission. They were all notorized.

  I was wondering why your Mom couldn't sign a note saying it was OK to share info with you if she could. If she is still coherent the POA isn't effective Ifrom what I understood. . Isn't it only good if the patient becomes unconscious or incapacitated?
• 

  Georgiegirl

  Get a new form from hospital patient services. Have your mom sign it in front of witnesses (not the JW kind). As infuriating as it is that the doctors are not discussing care with you, legally right now - they can't. A proxy is not forever, it is just until it is revoked or changed. If your mom is telling you she didn't understand it b/c of language issues (or whatever) simply get a new one.

  Edited to add: Your mom has the right to change or revoke anything she chooses as long as she is cognitively functioning (i.e. not in a coma, not dementia or alzheimers, etc.) However, it cannot be changed FOR her which is what the social worker was saying - in order to have it changed FOR her, a psych eval would have to be done to ascertain that she was not competent when she signed the form. As long as she is competent NOW, there shouldn't be an issue. Get a new form. You can even google to get samples of forms that are valid in your state - still - try the hospital patient services first (or admissions office).
• 

  VM44

  she said that a psychiatrist has to evaluate my mom to see if she is fit to make decision before anything could be changed.

  Make them show you where that is required in the written rules! A person has the right to change who they want listed.

  I hate to say this, but you might have to get a lawyer (I hope not)

  The problem with having an elder listed as one's medical proxy is that a Watchtower elder's first responsibility is to take care of the interests of The Watchtower and to see that its directives are followed! They are literally like managers of a local branch of a business.

  The individual's care is NOT their primary concern!

  I hope that your mother will make a full recovery and that she can change the proxy name over to one of her family members.
• 

  wantstoleave

  My goodness, I didn't know that listing an elder changes who can or cannot get information on a loved one. That is scary. Is this the blood card we're talking about? Let us know how you get on....hope your mum can change it!
• 

  Scully

  If hospital won't notify you about what is happening with your mother, then tell them to send any and all bills for uncovered medical expenses to the elder(s) named in the proxy. If they think they are able to make reliable reasoned decisions based on their bible (OR WHATEVER) the WTBTS is using to guide them. They they are fully capable of paying the bills.

  Absolutely DO THIS. And make the Elder™ FULLY aware that you will NOT assume responsibility for ANY bills related to her medical care, NOR will you assume responsibility for ANY funeral expenses on her behalf. By signing that proxy, your mother has decided that the Elder™ (having accepted the responsibility) is calling all the shots, and there's no way you should be expected to assume any of the costs he incurs as a result of his "decisions" on her behalf.

  Get a lawyer or even a notary public, spend the $200 on a consultation and send a letter to the Elder™ and the Congregation™ and the WTS to inform them of their assumption of all costs by accepting to be your mother's health care proxy, and further inform them to expect to assume financial responsibility for her care once she is discharged from the hospital, or for her funeral expenses in the event of her death.

  When you make it about MONEY, the Congregation™ and the WTS prefers to extricate itself from potentially
  ¢o$t £¥ situations, and will put it all on the Elder™ she's named as her proxy. When he realizes what this can potentially cost him (his house, his retirement, etc) he'll be more than happy to step aside and let her family take care of her.