I used to go out in service and I always felt not wanted. I would meet for service and if they could they would send me home, no one wanted me with them in their car groups. And yes I did shower before going. They would take the mentally ill ones before me. Still I thought that this was the truth how stupid was I. Even with all of this I still longed to pioneer.
I used to go out in service and I always felt this way but especially when I pioneered and I would wonder if I slit my wrists how long would it take for someone to notice I was bleeding out. And if they did notice would they care or would they just let me die.
Please do not think I am a nut case. I was around a lot of people who hated me. I passed out in service once and the sister I was with never even came to see if I was OK. I woke up on the floor of the laundry room and crawled outside. The sister told me she heard me fall so I knew she knew. Oh I could go on and on.
Now that I am in the "world" I have made great friends who care. I mean they care they really care. They call if I am sick with just a cold. My husband an elder for 29 years at the time had a heart attack conducting the TMS and the other elders just let me drive him alone to the hospital. Only one elder and his wife came up after the meeting to be there with me and that was it. No one came up the next day. No one called nothing. Not even the elder who had been up their with me or his wife. No one cared. I tried push it all under the rug and tell myself everyone is just so busy.
What is with these Jehovah's Witness and the coldness of it. My husband had a second heart attack two years latter and I called the PO's wife or COBE what ever you call them driving on the way to the hospital to have her tell her husband that my husband could not conduct the TMS that night. I had already tried to call the PO and he was not answering his cell. His wife said what can I do. I have to go out in field service today. OH MY GOD my husband is having a major heart attack and may not make it but this fellow elders wife had to go out in service. That was more important than my husband and I.
I have made friends in the world and they call they care. My husband was in the E.R. this last summer yet again and a non witness friend called just to check on me. I never thought to call anyone. Her and her husband came right away. Dropped everything to come to be with me.
I am sorry for this rant but I have just been doing a lot of thinking and wonder if I am the only one who feels like this. I am going to a therapist and she said the JW are abusive at least to me. Why? My husbands who is still a strong JW says the there have always been bad people in Jehovah's org even in Bible time and I just need to tough it out.
I just cannot do that. Ones on the board like MR. Flipper and Mrs. Flipper, Big Tex, Palmtree. Have been so kind. I just cannot see it like my husband does. He keeps trying to point out see sister don't care if you live or die called you four months ago. See she cares. When I point out that she has not called in four months he say well she is really busy.
I feel like I am going crazy leaving this cult. Anyone else ever feel this way. Thanks for letting me rant. LITS