paranoid and ready to officially leave!

by leftchica 33 Replies latest watchtower scandals

leftchica

so i officially realized today that i am paranoid!! everytime i hear a car door slam outside i peek out the window. My blinds are closed and the telivision is on low. why??
the witnesses from my cong are stopping by to "talk to me"!
well, havent been to a meeting in 7 months..didnt attend the 3 day assembly( a no no) havent been out in service for over a year and recenly had the elders visit me and my husband (a jw) and my husband asked them questions about 1925, and 1975. I feel he has told them about my "doubts". Now they are coming by randomly to try to get me at the door.
Months ago I wanted my husband to answer me the question i had about Jw's being selected as "Gods organization" in 1918 by Jesus but he got extremely flustered and upset and thought having the elders over to answer it would be best.
so they were here and now they want to come by and talk to ME again. Not him, but ME. He was the one Asking the questions and i sat there quietly and listend. He has been attending meetings without me and we havent discussed this between us again. Its been very akward.
Anyway, the point is that they have "dropped by" more than several times in the past week, called my cell and left messages twice. They want to know if " I have any further questions i want to go over"...i am baptised!! I thought you werennt allowed to "ask questions"!!?
So now when i am home during the day i do not going outside as much. I close all the blinds and curtains. I am not acting like myself. I am paraniod and on edge. I hate the fact that I am letting this really get to me. I think i need to write a letter and just kiss this entrapment goodbye. I feel like I am hiding in my own home.
My husband begged me months ago to "pretend" I still believe ..I know the elders are not fooled. and i fear he has told them the truth.
I envisioned leaving this organization with my husband hand in hand. I will be alone but with God on my side.
If I write the letter do I send it to the local hall and brooklyn? Does it guarentee you are no longer considered a witness? Will I ever be able to live my life in peace?
angel eyes

Sorry to hear your leaving :( I wish you all the best. I also hope that when you have handed the letter in you will have the peace you want.
mouthy

Will I ever be able to live my life in peace?
Yes you will...But why fear them.???..They are men who think they are Gods slaves.
They are NOT.!!!.But you may have to lose your husband ,when they tell him your
the Devils kin.( as I can promise you they will.) Open the door to them,
Tell them the TRUTH...They have been SO wrong about ALL their dates.
And the Bible told us at Deut 18:20-22 Not to be afraid of them... DONT
Let them into your house ..They are teaching another Jesus!!!
Dont be afraid of them...All they can do is walk away thinking your evil.
I am so sorry they seem to be intent on dividing you & your Hubby
When he asks you to pretend that your a follower,it is because he
is in FEAR of them... TRUE Love throws fear outside
dissed

leftchica
I wanted to think about your post and ask my wife her thoughts before responding.
She thinks, its not the time to force the action, until you know you have support from your husband.
As you might have learned from the experienced ones here, the Elders can take no action unless they have two witnesses to your doubts.
True, in the past you said some things to them, but so did your husband.
If you responded firmly to them at the door, but not rudely, that you're not ready to talk right now, they should respect your wishes. Unless they feel, they have enough info from a prior visit to pursue action.
Still, this should buy you some time to continue to work with your husband.
"Don't ask, don't tell" applies. They will push, but you don't have to respond if you don't want to. Again, if they feel they have the evidence, and are just informing you of a JC action, then you have some different things to think about.
Maybe, a PM to AlltimeJeff might help. He's had a lot of experience in these matters. Fortunately for us, they lost us and never came to call until 13 years had passed.
AllTimeJeff

Hi leftchica. I am responding to this because of the paranoia.
Right after I left, I moved into a little studio apt to chill. At the supermarket, not two weeks later was a missionary couple who were at Gilead visiting while I was there. She had to come back due to a cancer battle. There they were. They didn't recognize me, but you know what I did? I had a panic attack right in the middle of the store. I walked, head down to the pet section, then went to the car, damn near hyperventalating. (sp?)
I lived in Michigan, and I left that state over 2 years ago to move to an area where no one knows me. It did wonders for my nerves. To this day, I have met zero people who would know me.
Of course, that was my luxury that you don't have. I am sorry for the pain you have to deal with, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
As to your question, peace doesn't come from leaving Jehovah's Witnesses. Honest living does. You being honest with yourself and others CAN be a great first step towards peace of mind. But there are so many other areas that really take a lot of honest introspection, that it would be impossible to list them all. And because I don't know you, I would hesitate to offer much in the way of advice.
However, I will share a lesson learned. For 10 years or more, I pursued a "spiritual goal" while slowly having doubts. Though I don't blame myself, as I was lied to like everyone else, I did have moments where I knew I wasn't being honest about how I felt towards the truth. Yet, there was elder Jeff on the platform, pioneer Jeff in the car group, etc etc etc. Hell, I went to Africa after I already made up my mind that this was a big fat lie.
So I made myself a promise: To be as honest with myself as I knew how first. That didn't mean giving into self loathing fits. It meant acknowledging my past, my strengths and weaknesses, and to accept them.
You can't be honest with others, not even a marriage mate, if you are not honest to yourself, about yourself. And let me tell you, it sounds good to say, maybe better to read, but it is stinking hard. (worth it, but hard)
Because JW's are currently a religion of lies built upon the rubble of older lies, its important I think to be honest.
Why am I ranting on about this? Because when I read any JW wanting to leave asking as you did: "My husband begged me months ago to "pretend" I still believe ..I know the elders are not fooled. and i fear he has told them the truth. I envisioned leaving this organization with my husband hand in hand. I will be alone but with God on my side. If I write the letter do I send it to the local hall and brooklyn? Does it guarentee you are no longer considered a witness? Will I ever be able to live my life in peace?"
.... then I feel a need to say that this is only the beginning. You won't ever get what you want without realizing what is going on around you, and being honest about where you are. You are the only one who can best see where you are at......
That letter won't help your marriage, at least in the short run. I remember not telling my ex so many things I wanted to. Too late now. Maybe it would have made a difference or not, but I never gave it a chance. That letter will be sent to Brooklyn through your congregation, and you will no longer be a JW. You will be considered disassociated and promptly shunned.
I really wish for you the very best. This cult has you scared. I understand. Its tough to leave. I hope that reading here, asking questions, and learning as much as you can will help you both in the short and long run. I apologize if by being blunt, I have offended. That was not my intent. I just don't know any other way then to put it on the line for you, so that you can have as much information at your disposal as you make these important decisions....
PEACE! I really do hope you receive it. :)
StoneWall

leftchica,
Welcome to the forum!
I would like to make a few comments, suggestions, recommendations regarding your situation you described.
From what I can tell of your statements you're a grown woman (married), and you have your own place.
Never ever let Elders or anyone else for that matter invade your personal space(home), and intimidate you into
feeling like a prisoner in the one place you should feel most at ease,relaxed and secure.
This is your place not theirs. You call the shots not them. This isn't the kingdom hall so some elders you have to remind
just because they have the title/position of Elder doesn't give them the right to pop in anytime they want without
calling ahead and verifying it with you first.
They want to know if " I have any further questions i want to go over"
Just tell them you appreciate their concern but no you don't have any questions you want to go over.
Tell them you are trying to resolve some personal issues. If they try and draw you out by saying something like "we would
be glad to help in any way we can because we miss you at meetings", tell them thanks but thats why you said "personal"
issues.
It's sorta like when someone tells me they have a personal relationship with God, I say "good for you, but if you tell me
about it, it's no longer personal but public.
mouthy

That was great info Jeff.
It's sorta like when someone tells me they have a personal relationship with God, I say "good for you, but if you tell me
about it, it's no longer personal but public
LOL Stonewall Good thought .That is why I havent introduced HIM to you!!!You wouldnt believe me anyway
If I told you what HE does for me((((HUG)))We are very close friends
undercover

There's no easy solution to these things. The problem is compounded because your husband still accepts their authority and wants you to also (or at least pretend - It's good he isn't pulling the "headship" crap).
When elder visits to me turned into going around in circles - them asking the same questions over and over, me avoiding them - I fiinally told them that I was in a good place spiritually. I liked where I was but if I needed their help, I'd be sure to call them. "Don't call me, I'll call you".
That worked for me, but they weren't hounding me to find apostate leanings, they were just trying to "encourage" me or straigten my thinking out. Your results may vary.
One thing I think is important - never be afraid or intimidated by these people. It's your house. Don't hide from them in your own house. Stand up to them as if they were any other unwanted sales person. Be resolute and firm. Bulllies usually back down when a potential victim actually stands up to them...elders are no exception.
Good luck and keep us posted...
leftchica

thanks to all the advice. now that the time is passed normal "service hours" i have opened my blinds and curtains. I think i will keep it that way tomorrow too!
I will postpone the letter for now.. i do need more time with my husband. I think I will start with scriptures. I have found these and other sites helpful for posting changes that the wt makes regarding bible scriptures. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.
I will politley handle the elders if they come around or call. i appriciate all the comments.
This has been the most difficult and most freeing time in my life. I have never been so happy and so sad at the same time. I am sure anyone who leaves the watchtower org knows what i am saying is true..I feel so happy and free from leaving and living my life the way I believe to be good. I am creative again, funny again, concerned about my health again, want to live in the moment again. ect ect.. for 4 yrs i was introverted, depressed, overweight, ..almost the worst possible person i could be. The moment I decided it was not "the truth" I felt the "old me" come back to life.
I feel like myself more and more everyday. That "old personality" was too good to let go of. MY inner strenth is coming back and I hope i can help my husband out of this as well.
Goshawk

Hi leftchica,
Freedom feels good doesn't it? They have the power over you that you yourself give them.

paranoid and ready to officially leave!

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