"I'm not a fan of facts. You see, facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are."
I love this quote. Sounds like the mantra of certain apologists we've seen lately.
Here's some more wit:
"Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now, I know some of you are going to say, 'I did look it up, and it's not true.' That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut."
"I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit."
"All God's creatures have a soul. Except bears. Bears are godless killing machines."
"It's never okay for men to cry. Man holds it in until his eyeballs swell to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it's going to explode, and his gut just aches like there's a snake wrapped around his heart. That's why we die earlier, but it's worth it. At least we don't look weak while we're alive."
"I've never been a fan of amphibians. They are nature's fence-sitters. Come on, amphibians, which is it? Water or land? Pick one!"
"Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job."
"Just because the Pope is infallible, doesn't mean he can't make mistakes."
"If these foreign newspapers have nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?"
"Why do we have to wait for elections? Why not have every elected official have electrodes implanted in their chest? If they don't please us, every morning, we stop their hearts."
"America has a simple deal with the wealthy: we cut their taxes and in return they inspire us with their golden toilets and trophy wives."
"There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy and that just makes it more delicious."