Thoughts on NOT dating

by wantstoleave 29 Replies latest jw experiences

  • wantstoleave

    Tell me about it, I had more male friends, brothers too and was constantly being told to stop talking to them. Rumours were spreading that I was dating this person and that, and cheating on one or the other. Whatever. The only man I ever dated was my husband, and we did it long distance! I have always thought it wrong that they can dictate who people become friends with. They say its a protection....from what? Ourselves? Our natural desires?

    Also, the rule about how a brother cant go into the home of a sister if she's on her own. So they stand on the doorstep. I mean, it hardly means everyone you invite into your home of the opposite sex is there to sleep with.

  • AdaMakawee

    What's a chaperone? One time in my teens I was packed into a car, can't remember the model, just know there were four in front and four in the back. The guy next to me turned around and kissed me on the lips, a peck seconds long at most. Within three days I was hauled into a JC. My crime: no chaperone, all in the car were kids my age. The kiss should not be allowed unless we were engaged, you know kisses lead to more serious things. I said with 8 people in the car how would that be possible? They were not amused.


  • Scully

    Any belief system that requires people (on pain of being ousted and shunned) to supress their most basic emotional needs - for socialization, for affection, for love and belonging - is a cult.

    I wish I'd listened to my gut when I was a teenager.

    How stupid is it to buy a car (a 5 to 10 year commitment) without taking it for a test drive? How stupid is it to buy a house (a 25 year commitment) without having it evaluated for structural stability? How exactly is someone supposed to know that they want to spend the rest of their life with someone, unless they've been able to live with the other person first? That's my position on marriage since before leaving the JWs.

  • bluecanary

    Praying, it's appropriate if the elders say it's appropriate. The only voice that can override theirs is a CO or bethel. And neither of those sources will override an elder at the R&F's request.

    A chaperone is whatever the elders present say it is. Some elder say it's ok to be alone together in a room as long as there's someone else in the house. Some say you must have an adult, baptized witness in good standing present and watching you at all times.

    Scully, I'm in full agreement with you.

  • Spook

    The only meaningful way to get to know a person is by spending long periods of time alone with them. Period.

  • Praying4Justice

    bluecanary - I know that's exactly how that elder (who was calling my daughter) felt, until he heard me tell my daughter how inappropriate it was. We were going through a family crisis and he was in constant contact with her to "advise" her how to act to everything going on. It was sickening when I realized what was going on. When I finally figured it out, I asked her, "Shouldn't it be his wife calling you?" When he heard what I said, ALL OF A SUDDEN, his wife started calling. Gosh, he makes me sick. Sorry, I get that way every time I think of this elder. Like my name says, I'm Praying4Justice! :)

    Oh yea, are there COs (or at least one) in every kingdom hall?

    Yes, Spook. No two people can totally be themselves together with others always around watching over them.



  • wantstoleave

    Scully, great thoughts!

  • dgp

    I believe that all this pain comes from the fact that the society does not see marriage as the coming together of two people, for their own good, but, instead, as something it LETS people do. As a necessary evil, that, therefore, needs to be regulated and curtailed. It's not about love and the two persons involved, but about pleasing others.

    Like Spook said, spending long periods of time with the person, being honest and open, sharing situations and seeing each other act in them, and, yes, having sex to see if there is compatibility, all this is fine if you want the marriage to last for the two people involved. If you want it to last because The Organization says so, then you get all the misery.

  • BlackTwisted

    Dang! you had more restrictions than my mom would ever do...O_O

    but however, i think dating shouldn't only e for just marriages, why? because what if you date the p[erson and find out you don't want to be with the person, sure, it is preparing for divorce, but then again...

    also, the reson why young people date behind backs is because they feel that the elders or the parents don't trust them, amnd half of the time, they don't. which that is the MOST thing that ticks me off. i mean, give us young people a chance, quit judging us on what we would do and such.

    i'm sorry guys, i'm kinda of in a dilema myself T_T

  • GrandmaJones

    We are five generations of JW's and none of us had had chaperones.

    I have to say in all honesty that none of the elders I have ever known has given me any counsel on this or any other matter. (No, I take that back, once two showed up and wanted to talk about my continued association with a member of my family who was disfellowshipped, but when I basically said it was really my business why I needed to, they dropped it politely) I would be curious if elders sometimes leave certain people alone because of family background or because they have strong personalities and would challenge them. Recently a young elder asked me if I wanted a sheperding call and I told him no, that he had recently given a talk that I disapproved of and that I was still a little miffed over it. We discussed the talk, why I felt upset about it, and I don't think there will be a sheperding call. I think I will post this question on a separate thread without my opinion and see what the elders say.

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