I went to the grocery store tonight to get some supplies for the small party (with a few JW friends) I'm having this weekend. While trying to find the aisle with the canned vegetables, I spot them, at the back of the store in dairy... the ancient and insane JW husband and wife duo that goes to my congregation. It was minutes until 9pm, what were they still doing awake, and out shopping at that? Shouldn't they be in bed by now so they can get an early start in service tomorrow? Perhaps they don't need a lot of rest because of the wife's secret weapon. If the house holder tells her not interested or to get off their property, she'll offer to make them a homemade baked dessert if they'll listen to her. (No, not joking. She has done that).
Quickly, I dart into some random aisle to collect my thoughts for a minute. I then walk down the aisle towards the front of the store, the opposite direction where they were at. I get to the end of the aisle , make a right turn and there's the husband about 10 aisles down from me at the front of the store. I don't believe in Satan, but at that moment, I thought maybe he's real and wants to sick his old JW minion upon me. I mentally picture him spotting me, calling out "Hi Brother Jerkhovah!" and hobbling over to me ready to ask where I've been all of these months. "The last time I saw you was at the memorial and asked you if you were stumbled by anyone. You said no and then rejected my offer for me and the rest of the elders to offer you some help. Would you like some help now? If you've done something wrong, you can confess to us. Do you still believe this is the Truth™? Things are getting so bad, its so obvious how close the end is. You should really come back. See you tomorrow at the meeting?" I come back to reality and dash back into the aisle that I came from before he really does see me. "How did that old bastard get to the other end of the store so fast?!" I thought. It must be Satan!
Once I reach the opposite direction of the aisle again, I peek around the corner... there's the old nutter wife, still is in dairy. I make a hasty sprint out of the aisle heading away from her. If she sees me, it'll just be my back. I'm far enough away to ignore her if she calls out. Cutting into an aisle a few rows down I end up in first aid. I'm there for close to 5 minutes before I peer from around the corner and spot them both together again, by the packaged deli meats. They're slowly advancing towards my direction with their eyes fixated on the pretty airtight wrapped packages of decaying animal flesh, fantasizing about the birds of heaven gathering together, to feast upon the previous owners of their post-Armageddon claimed mansion.
Now is my chance to flee back to the front of the store. I make it to the front and head the other way from where they're going, the whole time hoping the old man isn't sent back up here to get something else. I decide to go as far as possible and ended up at the very end of the store by a small pet food section. I'm fairly confident they don't have any pets. After all, with Armageddon being so close, it'd be better just to wait until the new system. Someone could use their pet's life as leverage during the Great Tribulation to get them to renounce their god the Watchtower. So, there I hide for around 15 minutes. This whole time I'm still carrying an empty green basket, probably looking crazy or up to no good to anyone on the security cameras that have noticed me.
Through the wired display rack, I take a look at the registers. I don't see them walking around out front anywhere. I hustle out of the pet food section, down the ice cream aisle to the back end of the store once again. I don't see Gog and Magog by the diary, the meats or produce. Am I in the clear? My heart races as I rushed past all of the places I saw them before until I reach the aisle I was after when I first spot them. I stay there for close to 10 minutes, always turning my back away from the ends of the aisle when I sense someone is walking past, just in case its them, maybe they won't recognize me from the back. After making my selections, I covertly make it into the next aisle I need. I grab my crap and quickly pace to the express line.
I can't believe it, here I am checking out and they didn't see me! I bag my own groceries while the cashier is ringing them up. I need out of here NOW and have no time to waste. I pay, walk out of the store, keeping my eyes straight ahead in case they're out there in the parking lot and looking around ends up with me making eye contact. Once I make it into my car, I throw it in reverse and peel away laughing, sarcastically saying "Oh, thank Jehovah!"
I see other JWs all the time, but they're friends and I know there won't be a confrontation. Even if there is, so what, they hold no JW position. Whack-job JWs in positions of pseudo authority frighten me though. No telling what they'll say and how I'll react. I have a problem keeping my smart-ass apostate mouth shut and have exposed my position in front of a large group of JW family members before when my button was pressed. I can't have that happen with an elder...
Update: Haha, thanks for bringing to my attention the mistake of the word aisle. I didn't even notice or think about it. I just changed the mistake in the post. I think I got them all. If only spell-checker could know what word a person really means...
I also didn't notice how mean I seemed talking about older people. It was around 5am when I posted this thread. It was before I went to bed, so thinking clearly about what I was writing wasn't my main focus. I should clarify that I was referring to the elderly JWs with the old-school foot in the door mentality. Not older people in general. No one has complained yet, but sorry if I offended anyone!
<Jasper