I need help in facing our abuser...

by cognac 36 Replies latest jw friends

  • palmtree67

    If there is a Paradise,

    And if I could give a free pass to go directly there,

    You cognac, Lady Lee, Jamie (my hero who saved me my first night on JWN) would get a free pass.

    Everyone who survives this kind of abuse is a hero in my books.

  • jamiebowers

    Thanks Cognac, Lady Lee and Palmtree. Now, Cognac, let us know what you decide and how it went. Good luck!

  • cognac

    Thank-you Lady Lee... I think it's just gonna take some time to really comprehend. I understand the logic, I don't understand how when push comes to shove her heart wouldn't have won out...

    You cognac, Lady Lee, Jamie (my hero who saved me my first night on JWN) would get a free pass.
    Everyone who survives this kind of abuse is a hero in my books.

    This brought tears to my eyes... Thank-you... I thought about my oldest brother when you said that. He is my hero. He got it so much worse then the rest of us. Yet, he came out a strong person. I don't know how he did it. But, your statement not only touched my heart, but also made me realize that I have to tell him that...

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    I know my mind will go blank so I'm simply going to write out what I have to say and read it to them. I'm going to say how it affected me, how I see it affecting some of my brothers and sisters, and that my mother is just as much to blame.

    I just wanted to add to excellent posts already on this thread. They're right, your parents will deny, will most likely be angry and blame you and your brothers.

    The only reason to ever confront your abuser is for closure. It's usually done toward the end of recovery, when you have faced and confronted long buried anger, fear and sadness over the abuse. It's part of the transformation from a victim to a survivor.

    I would encourage you to write down everything you want to say, because you're right. Your mind will go blank. You will "numb out", disossciate in other words. It's the process where the mind shuts down because the feelings and/or experience is so big it cannot be processed at that time. This is how feelings and memories are buried.

    I would also encourage you to take along someone outside the family. Someone that is 100% on your side. You and your brothers will need someone to ground you as well as to know when to bail out. Do not be surprised if your parents say some pretty hurtful things to you.

    It would be good if you could record the conversation for listening later. When I confronted my parents, my wife took notes and since she was a secretary and knew short hand, she took almost word-for-word notes. Reading it later, even decades later, I am shocked at how cruel they were and how hard I tried to love them.

    At the very least, when you get home, immediately write down everything you remember. For one thing it will be healing to purge it out of your system, and for another you need a record for later.

    Good luck. This is a really tough thing you're about to do.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    What are your thoughts or anyone here's thoughts on what was going through there minds when there own husbands were actively abusing there child? Did they not feel anything? Did they want to step in and stop it? Did they think there own child deserved it???

    I've often wondered this. How does OJ think about the murders? People who do hideous things remember them, how do they live with themselves?

    I don't know. I am coming around to thinking that they find a way to justify it in some sense. "Well maybe I went a little overboard, but you shouldn't have done XYZ so you deserved it!" That sort of thing. The class wife-in-denial justifies her husband's (or boyfriend's) abuse "At least he provides for us". Usually these women are timid and fearful while being self-absorbed. They're quite willing to sacrifice their child so long as they get what they want.

    I think they sometimes have to change the past, re-write history so they remember themselves in a better light. This was my father.

    Lastly I think other times what they did was so awful, without justification, that they repress it, compartmentalize it and forget it.

    Bluecanary is right. Offenders are narcissistic and self-absorbed. It is very difficult for them to think of others, only what they want and desire at that moment in time.

  • DJK

    You should expect the inevitable JW parent response.

    "Lets go to the bible, (book, chapter and verse) where it says that a loving parent will discipline their children in the ways of the Lord. Next scripture, spare the rod and spoil the child." etc, etc. It's all denial in many ways.

    The WTS is now encouraging "Reproach" instead of physical punishment. (They are just trying to keep up with local laws.IMO) A parent should sit down with a child and the bible, using scripture show why their behavior was wrong. (OH, give me the 2x4, Pleeeasse!)

  • cognac

    Rod - They know full well that that means "guiding". The way a shepard would use the rod to guide there sheep. Common sense tells you that when you leave bruises that something is very, very wrong...

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