...or, Love Stinks. Yeah. Yeah.
I am so unprepared for this. I feel like a kid just walking into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Overwhelmed at how awesome and fun everything looks, but not even comprehending how easy it is to screw up. I'm lost.
Relationships are such a simple formula in the JW universe, which basically boils down to: 'Submit, Wifey! Submit! Goooooood girl! Whos a good girl? You are! Now go fetch me my slippers and Watchtower.' I never bought into the whole JW 'wifely subjection' concept (some might say 'subjugation'). For a marriage, it just seemed to make more sense for the husband and wife to be on equal footing, while excercising mutual respect for one another. Why throw some kind of arbitrary hierarchy into the mix? Esp. one that is demeaning and insulting to women? (See Awake! - August 22, 1967 pg. 27) But, as with many other JW concepts, their philosophy on dating and marriage is at odds with reality. When I was first thinking of doing a rant on this subject, I went back and looked at the latest 'light' on the topic from the YPA book, under the section Dating, Love, and the Opposite Sex. The very first sentence in chapter 29 says, "In many lands dating is viewed as a romantic means of entertainment, a fun activity." Ahhh, the predictable setup by the "brothers" to indicate that dating is NOT to be romantic, entertaining, OR fun. Boiling down their advice...
1. Don't worry about looks. The dirty, smelly, unkempt, middle-aged pioneer who sits in the corner trying to ward off "demons" can give you every bit as much fulfillment in marriage as that hot young stud/babe you've been thirsting for. As long as they put Jehovah first.
2. Worry about how their publisher record card looks. 10+ hour-per-month publishers are the bottom of the barrel and are also boarder-line apostates. You need someone who is over 30, putting in 90+ hours per month, volunteering at KH builds, has responsibilities, serves 'where the need is greater', AND feels like sh!t because they can't do more. Prime choice for a mate that one is.
3. Take the 80-year-old P.O. and his wife with you on a "date". You know, that way you're both too scared to be yourselves, and you're terrified that you might slip and reveal your X-Files obsession. You should go to a zoo, wear a ridiculous 80's sweater, and point blankly at unremarkable things. This is fun. You should be home by 8:00 pm to study your Watchtower or prepare a presentation for the field ministry.
4. Speaking of ministry... The BEST way to get to know someone is out in field service. Do they give a zealous presentation? Are they quick with the scriptures? Do they show genuine fellow feeling? If they want to take a break at 10:30... move on. Leave that future apostate to the birds.
5. If you touch your prospective mate anywhere other than their hand, you will not only contract an STD, but you should prepre to be interrogated regarding your "loose conduct". ("Now tell me sister... how did it feel when he touched you... "there". Go slow and use lots of adjectives. I want to get this on tape...")
6. Etc... etc... etc...
Alright, alright... I'm getting a little extreme. But how far from the truth am I? (No... Not that "Truth". I'm REALLY far from that one.)
This is funny... Chapter 29 pp. 2 starts, "Dating was not the custom in Bible times." That's their way of saying, "The Bible really has nothing to say on the matter, but we're going to legislate how it should be done anyway." I love the second subheading in that chapter too, The DARK SIDE of Dating.Holy sh!t!!! I'll fall to the Dark Side of the Force and become the evil apprentice of Emperor Palpatine if I unleash my lightsaber too quick! This is also good too...
***yp chap. 29 pp. 226-228 Am I Ready to Date?***
Even so, a biological fact of life comes into play: The more you keep company with a member of the opposite sex, the more sexual desire can grow—whether you want it to or not. (See pages 232-3.) It is the way all of us are made! Until you are older and more in control of your feelings, dating may simply be too much for you to handle. Unfortunately, many youths find this out the hard way.
And WHO is responsible for that "biological fact"? I love (hate?) the reasoning used here. Their essentially saying that we were MADE TO SIN. Gee, thanks God. If you program a computer to execute a certain task, who's fault is it when the computer executes that task? Sure we're not computers, but our biological urges are the most diffcult impulse to resist. This makes perfect sense in evolutionary terms, but not so much from a "design" perspective, at least if you're going to deem the act a "sin" in certain circumstances. And the last part... "Unfortunately, many youths find this out the hard way." Find what out? That sex is frickin great? What's so "unfortunate" about that? *sigh*
*** yp chap. 30 p.236 Am I Ready for Marriage?***
MARRIAGE is not a game. God intended for husbands and wives to forge a permanent bond, closer than that with any other human. (Genesis 2:24) A marriage mate is thus someone you will stick to—or be stuck with—for the rest of your life.
So what's wrong with this statement? Consider...
*** yp chap. 30p. 237 Am I Ready for Marriage?***
Many youths also have unrealistic expectations regarding sexual relations. Said one young man who married at age 18: “After I got married I found out that the great thrill of sex wears off very soon and then we started having some real problems.”
Yeah, that's what happens when you tell kids they can't have sex unless they're married. Biology wins. Somehow. Eventually. Every time. And it doesn't give a rat's ass if you actually 'get along' with your partner. Yes, some are better at controlling urges than others, this too is a BIOLOGICAL FACT, not an indication of "sinful tendencies". So a poor unsuspecting 20 year old is feeling his "biological imperitive" burning inside him. He seeks to do the right thing and marries a young good-looking sister that he's been semi-friends with for a while. They go on all the "kosher-style" dates that the Society recommends. Everything's gravy. She's a strong publisher, comes from a faithful family, has all "qualities" of a "Christian Wife" the Society says she should. They get married... and find out they absolutely can't STAND each other. This is because they were only allowed to 'get to know' each other in the whitewashed, sterilized, sanitized, FAKE, environment of the JW community.
What they're really getting to know is not actually the other individual, but rather that individuals best impersonation of the sterotypical "Witness" the society says they should be. And that IS NOT a real person. It is a fantasy.
So, cut to ... ME. This is the pitch that I bought hook, line, and sinker. I really thought all that bullsh!t was legit. Well I'm divorced now. A lot of good that "three-fold-chord" did me. So here I am, single, 29, and with NO concept of what dating in the real world is like. I've gone on prebably 6 or 7 dates with about 4 or 5 different women in the last six months. None amounted to anything. Self esteem isn't too much of a problem, I've learned that I can attract good looking women. The problem is getting them to stick around. I find out that a hot female is interested in me and I turn into a bumbling idiot.
I was flirting with a gorgeous 20 year old for months. Didn't really push too hard because the age difference made me slightly uncomfortable (she was 19 when we started this), but we became pretty good friends anyway. I didn't want to instigate a romance, but I decided if that's what she wants I would let her pursue it and then go from there. She was boy-crazy (meaning 'more than one') and I knew it, but hey... she kept talking to ME. Alot. Well eventually things ramped up, and she said she wanted a relationship. And I'm thinking, "She's soooo young and immature!!! But she's HOT!!!" She's telling me how much she can't wait to see me, she misses me, that I belong with her...etc, blahblahblah. So, me... despite my better judgement says, "Eh, what the hell?" At this point, I'm still numb from my JW exit, I'm not emotionally attached to this girl, I honestly did not expect a serious relationship, but she's obviously sprung on me (for the moment), and I DO like her as a person, so give in and say "Yeah, I've got feelings for you too." Well our "official" infatuation lasts about a week, and then I'm asking her "How was your weekend?" And she starts telling me how she cruised up and down the coast on the back of some OTHER dudes street bike!!! WTF?!?! Needless to say... we're just "friends" now. LOL!
It's a good thing I went into this with eyes wide open, totally expecting the worst. If I were a lesser man I might be pissed. But I knew from the get-go that a 'real' relationship would not be possible with this girl due not only to her issues, but also my own. The funny thing is, I don't regret it. I'm not mad at her. I chalk it all up to experience. She essentially, COMPLETELY, lived up to my expectations. Which is sad.
But any way... that's what inspired this rant. Here I am... pushing the big 30, and learning things that 'normal' people learned in their teens. I was a near perfect JW child. I did everything "right". And of course you see how that turrned out. So I'm stuck with all that left-over JW baggage, misconceptions, and warped world view, and now I'm trying to figure out the opposite sex. I mean REAL women. Not the JW "Stepford Wives" type women. You know, the ones that actually have brains and use them. The ones that come equipped with thieir own thoughts, feelings, desires, and kung fu grip.
I'm still just a kid. Just a kid trying to make a life for myself, and getting a very late start at it.
Wish me luck.