I really lived like there was no tomorrow, because in my heart I didn't believe there would be a tomorrow (or at least probably not another two years--does that ring a bell with anyone?)
Only a couple of hundred...
I would have been around 12 (possibly younger) when I first had thoughts of suicide. The guilt on not wanting to be a Jehovah's Witness, being told by my grandmother that I was a "mental retard" who "didn't deserve to be born", more guilt because I enjoyed this world and saw more good in it than the JW world and of course, yet more guilt for wanting to end my life which is murder... I should be patient and wait for Jah to end it for me.
It's that awkward teen stage when it seems like you just can't do anything right... and that's when they tighten the boot straps and rub your face in every little mistake you make, rather than helping you put it all in perspective, they blow it all out of proportion.