Please read all of this post:
Since you do not want to be DF'd, then there are steps you can take to try and avoid this possible consequence.
1. It would be helpful is you could someway share the letter (not your name) in an email or PM. The content of the letter and its forcefulness are important factors. I was forcibly DA'd due to a rumor first started by the Elders, and then believing their own rumors. However, my letter to the Society and follow-up letter to the Elders determined my fate. You may PM me on this forum, or email me at: [email protected].
2. Go to the Elders before they come to you, if it not already too late. I did not read all of the follow-up postings, so I am not sure if you said anything more on whether that took place.
3. Express your concern that while you have some things you need help "understanding," you still accept the F&DS at God's appointed channel of Truth. This should help you.
4. There are some good Watchtower articles you can find on CDs that will help you in how doubts are treated. Do not take these articles with you or refer to them, except in an emergency. It will make you appear to be overly prepared, as though you are only interested in preventing being DF'd. You have to appear humble, vulnerable, submissive, innocent, repentant; and for God's sake, shed some tears, but not too many! But the articles on 'helping those with doubts' will give you some ideas on how to behave and how to form your wording and attitude.
5. All of this is only recommended, of course, because you really want to be a JW, and do feel regret at deviating from the organization. If you already do not accept the Watchtower and the F&DS or their doctrines ... then you need to consider the following:
6. If you are an atheist, or have no concern for any integrity to God and to yourself, and if you really do not feel any repentance, then steps 1 through must be play acted, a lie. If that is the case, then so be it, but again, there are no guarantees, as Elders can sometimes spot liars.
7. If you are still Christian, but simply do not want to believe and accept the JW system, but still remain among them without being DF'd then you have a problem. Your letter, depending on how incriminating it is, is enough testimony to get you DF'd for apostasy. Sorry, but anything in writing is enough, there is no need for additional 'witnesses' as far as the Society and Elders are concerned. All the rest depends on how you are perceived, how you act, and what you say from this point forward.
So, assuming that Step 7 is descriptive of you, here are my thoughts: As a Christian, you should not lie. You can be honest, and still possibly avoid being DF'd, but it will not be easy and there are no guarantees. If you come back to this board as DF'd, don't be surprised. But, again, take the initiative and go to the Elders with this point of view. I have inserted some points in blue ( ... ) to explain why you need to use certain cautions):
"Brother (preferably one Elder or brothers if two Elders. Make sure you do not see or know that the original Elder who had your letter is the Elder you are seeking help from, as you are obviously already his unspoken adversary, and he will act to protect his own interests and make you look like an apostate. Ask a different Elder or two. You want to appear innocent. And if they get the original Elder, act innocent and say that you are pleased to see him.) I asked to meet with you brother(s), because I wrote something I regret, expressing doubts about some of the things I don't understand. (Be vague and non-descript. Do not accuse the organization of anything or say that you do not believe a certain teaching, just say that you do not understand.) So, brothers, in an effort to get help, I wrote up some notes about my confusion and shared it with Elder _________ in confidence to get his help. Somehow, what I shared with him has been passed around the congregation and has caused some to wonder if I am leaning the wrong way. (Do not use the word 'apostate' in any way, as that loaded word alone will automatically put you in a bad light psychologically.) I did not mean to cause any concern in the congregation, but rather I am seeking help from you brothers to better understand some issues. I wish that Elder Trustworthy had been more careful, maybe somehow he accidentally dropped my notes. (Even though the Elder betrayed your confidence, you do not want to hit on him too hard, as it will make you appear in the wrong, even if you are in the right. You need to appear as though you are not his adversary, and no threat to him.) So, can we talk and pray about this, and help me get some answers, to get Jehovah's thoughts on things, and put this matter to rest?"
Do not, under any circumstance, put anything into writing. That is what got you into this situation in the first place. If your letter is recovered and discussed, do not insist on covering every point. Let things drop off as really unimportant, and let the Elders convince you of you errors. Work with the Elders. Pick out one or two Elders that you respect. If you do not respect any of them, which is quite reasonable, then choose the lesser of the evils. Do not start with three Elders, as that starts to look like a Judicial Committee. Believe me, I have been an Elder and know how the psychology works with unspoken suggestion. On one JC I sat on, three of us were just standing around in the back of the Hall, when a brother started asking our advice ... and before we knew it, we were meeting with him and his family. And while we never called is a JC, it functioned that way, and action was taken from what otherwise was a small wrong by one of the brother's children. By picking one Elder or two at the most, you appear to be seeking help and guidance. You make them feel special and needed as Shepherds. Remember that Elders first role is an agent of the Watchtower Society. They are groomed, molded, trained, appointed, and maintained by the Society. They function to 'protect' the congregation, and in so doing, are not acting as much in a healing role, as they are as Judge, Jury, and Prosecution. They are in essence Watchtower style Cops, to enforce Watchtower rules, and your interests are in last place. You are the accused. This is unspoken, but it underpins their prime function. However, they have also had a measure of training in being Shepherds (albeit very poor training), they still have some humanity, and if you approach them from this perspective, it will help offset their prime role as agents of the Society. Especially if you take the initiative to work with them. All this depends on what you originally wrote, and how you acted and how you act now, and your personal integrity to yourself and to God. If my above idea does not fit with you, and you cannot play act that way, then don't do it.
Last but not least. None of the above is guaranteed, and you still have a good chance on being DF'd. Why? Because Elders are also unpredictable, adversarial by function, and may have another concern or agenda that you are not aware. For example, you may have at one time or an other said things in conversation that have innocently or deliberately gotten back to the Elders. Unknown to you, they may already have you on a watch list. I have been there on both sides, the watch-er and the watch-ee. If that is the case, they may take any approach as simply a ruse to get off the hook, and decide to DF first and ask questions later. When I was in your boat, my first letter was written to the Society. It was not about teachings, but about local conduct toward my family and suggested some criminal issues (I had reported a child molester to the Sheriff). The Society did not respond to me, but sent a letter with a copy of my letter to the local Elders. They sent out two District Overseer visits back to back and a Circuit Overseer. They sent in a Special Representative to move in and become part of the Body of Elders. Then they trumped up a charge that I started my own Church, and then two years later the Society notified me that the local congregation Body of Elders (Judicial Committee) determined that I had Disassociated myself. Not one word was stated as to nature of the charge or evidence. The Society will not put such things into writing to avoid liable in case it is untrue. I was given a last opportunity to work with the local Elders. They showed no concern for me or the issues of criminal activity. I tried to work with the local Elders, but they deliberately made it impossible. I wrote a 29 page letter outline my theological concerns to help generate discussion ... bad move on my part as that letter came back at me during legal depositions against the Society. However, I knew I was already toast, and my letter, sent to each Elder, was designed to help them in case any one them privately had their own concerns. They never even called to say what action they were taking or if I could meet with them ... they simply announced my DA, and called several congregations in other states to make sure I was duly marked.
Take Note: All of my above advice depends much on your actual circumstances, what you actually wrote, and how your local Elders will respond. Any or ALL of these unknown variables may have already sealed your fate. If you can, please find a way to share your letter with me, not on the board, as the Society monitors this and other ex-JW boards, and give me more details (without names or locations) as I don't need that information. I have been out formally 14 years, and do not have anymore contacts on the inside of the organization. This way, I can better determine what you may be going through.
I do not like to post my real name on discussion boards anymore as I work in classified jobs, and background searches pick up this stuff, and cause me to have to answer silly questions. If you need to verify anything about me, contact Randy Watters at http://www.Freeminds.org and ask him if Jay Walter, aka Amazing) is a good resource.