End of Year 2001 - Conclusions Drawn

Celtic

If there is one thing that I think that I have learn't this year, it is that people really do not give a shit about you, unless there is something in it for them to gain. Family? They don't give a shit, they say they do, but when it comes to any real communication about feelings, you just get told to shut up, go away, not needed, useless, liar, your just making it up etc etc.

My old faith, Jehovahs Witnesses, do they care? Did they ever? No, again, always pushed out, cast to one side, abused, trodden down on, taken the mickey out of, laughed at and scorned often, called names that had no substance in truth.

Friends on the outside? Well, yes, but only one or two very good ones, no more than that, the rest, to them, I am considered a mild inconvenience, I hear their back stabbing comments, their pull downs, their sarcasm and their whispered ridicule.

Why? Why is human nature so? All my life, all I can ever remember is that I wanted to be kind to people, to care for them, to be sensitive to the needs of others, but this year, the remnants of my trust in others is being stripped away, faced by a rather bleak realism, a living day to day reality, of people saying they care, but actions that belie a completely different attitude.

Maybe, it is me afterall, my attitude that is wrong. Do I still care as much as once I did? To be honest, no. Whats the point? Its like pissing into the wind, as much as you try, there is no encouragement, no one there to assist you along the way, no one there to give you that much needed reassurance. So, is it any surprise that I'm ending up so cynical, upon the face of human nature, knowing that the only one that I can depend on is myself, to carry me through.

Does God care? Does He indeed?

Next year, will not be the same as this year, cos for once I'm not going to think about caring for others quite so much. No point, when all your beliefs are just constantly thrown back in your face as having no worth. No, I'm disappearing, I'm even closer to believing that death is a better solution than to carry on living this absurd madness.

May the organisation known as Jehovahs Witnesses know that I now hate what you stand for and the ruination that you have caused to my life, through your corrupt elder network and for all the pain and distress you have caused to so many individuals like myself.

Happy bloody christmas!!

Mark

alliwannadoislive

hey celt - do we count as your friends ?

ashitaka

I feel a little hopeless this year as well, Mark. I think that your observations pretty much mirror mine, except that my family has pulled through ok, my wife's hasn't. It's in shambles.

You're correct in saying people really don't give a damn. I think that is basically true. People here on the board care, but can only care so much. Frankly, we all are just typed words without flesh here.

I agree with what you said about only one or two friends sticking by you, no matter who they may be. Very true. Most people are the hit and run types. They want you to have time for them, but not they for you.

I think next year will be better. I, too, will not let my heart out as much as I used to. I applied it this year, and I was much happier.

I think you'll be, too.

ashi

P.S.-remember Celt, all people aren't hopeless. There are still some subtly beautiful people left in the world.

Celtic

Not in the truest sense of the word, no. You are cyber friends, binary alphebetical code disappearing up a computer screen, not real in the real sense of true friendship. I try to write my feelings, to express so much all of the lived experience, but in absence of your physical company as friends, where I can see your faces, see your warmth, your gestures etc, I am trapped by my own inability to express myself clearly and to feel understood. Too many times, everyone here just tells me, 'Celtic, haha we don't understand a thing that your on about'. This doesn't help. I need real time contact, friendship, warmth, understanding, compassion and reassurance, thats what true friends are supposed to be there for, real time support, not this emptiness, faceless image. Thankyou anyway for trying, it is appreciated.

Mark

And thankyou Ashi. Trouble is, I'm almost ending up believing what everyone else says about me, I'm so tired of this life, I really am, but what can you do when all the fight is out of your system and you have almost nothing left to give? (Rhetorical)

toddy

If there is one thing that I think that I have learn't this year, it is that people really do not give a shit about you.

Exactly my feelings about the j.w's i work for!

And i won't be saying "next year will be better" because iv'e been saying that for the last five years and i never is.

Scully

Mark,

This is a tough time of year for many people, and those of us going through the ringer right now understand the feelings of futility that you expressed so eloquently here.

We have been kicked around by the JWs' rules and heirarchy, and basically we've discovered that they aren't much different than other religions. People are people, and organizations are unable to mandate kindness and caring in their members; it's far easier to make spitefulness and hatefulness the rule as many people will jump on the bandwagon to be mean once they have permission to do so..... but to be kind to people??? BAH HUMBUG.... that's for sissies!!

Well, I for one, do appreciate the kind of person you are Mark. Your thoughtful posts here and your concern for others in the chat room were one of the first things I noticed when I started lurking here just shy of two months ago. I was impressed, and I daresay I would feel a sense of loss if you disappeared from this little corner of cyberspace.

Caring is a tough thing to do when it seems that nobody appreciates it, or even bothers to care in return. In my job as a nurse, it's what I do, and sometimes it can be so draining that I'd just as soon be at home in bed with a good book instead. It's important to take care of yourself Mark. If you have a basket of apples and give them all away, there's nothing left for you.... so take some time and let other people share their apples with you!! Take a break, do something that's just for you for a change, and do not apologize for it!

For what it's worth, I do feel for you and care about what you're going through. I wish I could do more.

Love, Scully

ashitaka

Mark,

You sound like one of my best friends. His situation is not similar to yours, but your thoughts are alike. I think I understand you, especially the "I need to see people" to associate with them. How true. It's hard getting close to a computer rendering of a soul. The body is so necessary to bring the love forth. I wish I was geographically nearer to you, Mark. Then I could stop by for a cup and a talk. The world can get to be a lonely place.

If your tired of this life, live it out. A day of beauty now is worth more than a thousand passed on. I don't know your thoughts on eternity, but I'm utterly confused on the matter. I try not to suppose anything. It's going to come, and Goddammit, I had better accept it. For now, I'm going to use my frail body to make other frail bodies happy. That's a reason to draw breath in itself.

I sometimes worry about leaving the earth without making my mark, and perishing, a worthless spirit. But, that's not true, ever. Even the basest man who ever lived, had some worth, some love, at least one thing that dignified themselves in the eyes of SOMEONE.

And "nothing left to give"?

You gave me something tonite, Mark. Don't discount yourself until you're dead, and since at that time, you'll be in an obviously darkened state, you won't have to worry about personal worth anymore. Enjoy any part of living you can right now.

Life doesn't have to be a fight. Just live it.

ashi

BadAssociation

I also agree Celtic. No matter how nice a person is it always seems that it works out better for the ones who really don't give a damn. Next year, I also hope to stop caring as much for others unless they approach me with kindness first. However, I do agree with ashitaka about there being a few good people in this world....I just don't think I have found them yet. :)

Joyzabel

Hi Celtic,
I enjoy chatting with you in the chat room and wanted to comment on a couple of things that you have said here.
Sometimes when we give so much of ourselves, we get discouraged when we don’t see any like response. (Please don’t think this as being preachy, because it’s not how I want to come across. But I do want to let you know how I feel.)
After years of giving more to others, it finally hit me the point Jesus was making, to love others as yourself, AS YOURSELF! You HAVE to love yourself first before you can love others. If you are not really doing this, then you will get discouraged at your efforts to help others. Please make this New Year a time to really get to know who you are and learn to love yourself. You may think it is selfish on your part, but it really isn’t. If you are truly taking care of yourself first, helping others will fall into its proper place with its proper rewards.
The comment you made “No, I'm disappearing, I'm even closer to believing that death is a better solution than to carry on living this absurd madness” sounds like a cry for help to me. Please go see a counselor or someone you trust to help you. I don’t take lightly someone’s comments that death is a better alternative to life.

You are so creative in your writings here on the board. It shows great thought and concern for others. Your humor is simply wonderful and makes me laugh many a time when things can be tense in the chat room. Please take time to look around you and see the things that you enjoy and concentrate on them. I’m sorry that physically are worlds are far apart, but I’m glad the “net” has brought us together as friends. You have a standing invitation to physically come visit me if you would like, I would love to have you here and listen to your wonderful insight on life. J2bf

Siddhashunyata

Celtic (Mark) , try this site...... http://www.kfa.org. A start would be the publication "To Be Human".

End of Year 2001 - Conclusions Drawn

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