I'm tired, i'm tired of feeling guilty all the time, tired of feeling manipulated into doing something that i am sure that I do not want to do anymore.
I am just back from a few days in Madrid at our assembly. Despite myself i found myself enjoying some of the talks - particulary some on Saturday. But probably not the right reasons. A lot of the talks were based around ourselves and our relationships with others - and I realised - these talks were about being "good humans" not good "christians". I started feeling a bit depressed, because i realised how mindless some of the brothers are, that they have to wait until being told from the platform how not to backbite and gossip etc.
I want out, i really do - I know we are part of a cult (on a side point, my wife was reading something on Wikipedia, and what ever it was led to the article on cults, which states the following definition of a cult ....
- People are put in physically or emotionally distressing situations;
- Their problems are reduced to one simple explanation, which is repeatedly emphasized;
- They receive unconditional love, acceptance, and attention from a charismatic leader;
- They get a new identity based on the group;
- They are subject to entrapment (isolation from friends, relatives, and the mainstream culture) and their access to information is severely controlled
All she said to me was "jeez, it sounds like us" before quickly changing the subject - showing she is ion the same path as me, just a few steps behind.
I just want out - it is that simple , and IF the BIG A does come, i'd at least like to be able to stand there and think "at least I was true to myself"