Rather be dead than in that faith.
How To Be Dead When You're Not
by Hopscotch 16 Replies latest jw friends
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GoddessRachel
Me too, LouBelle, me too! It's good to be free, with the pain and all.
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GoddessRachel
Hopscotch, I meant to respond to your point sooner, but got distracted with something that was going on in my household - nothing big, just something apparently distractable, which will happen - but your point about JW family being truly conditional in every capacity. The thing is they know it and do not think it a bad thing. To me, it is a bad thing.
Some may argue that all love is conditional, and that may be true, but the conditions are reasonable ones, such as that you honor, care for and respect one another, encourage and support one another. If you are a truly bad friend, you are not going to be considered a friend for very long.
The same should go for family, in my opinion. Just because you are "family" does not give you the right to abuse people. It is abuse to shun your family for making reasonable choices in their personal life. Yet more proof that it is not The True Religion, it is not even a true religion.
Never take the example of JW family as how you should treat and be treated by your true family, the loving family that you and everyone good deserves to have. Do not accept less than what you give to others (unless there are reasonable circumstances involved such as your husband or wife is ill and needs your help, and still I am sure they are still giving to you in the ways they are able). Your real family is out there. Real love is out there.
I know how badly it hurts to be rejected by the very people you thought always had your back. It is better to know what kind of people the JW cult has made them, and to move on and spend your time with loving people who love you for who you are. It is better for everyone.
Hope you are well, Hopscotch!
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Hopscotch
Goddess - what you say about a JW family knowing their love is conditional is so true. I believe that many JW parents (not all) use the JW fear and guilt tactics in the place of good parenting, and dole out their love and approval conditionally depending on whether you are a good little JW or not that day. Looking back it felt like that to me growing up as a JW child/teenager - every minor childhood demeanor was viewed through the lens of JW'dom and so became a major deal that would make Jehovah angry and bring shame on the family. I felt that I was never good enough (often being compared to other JW children) and grew up with this tremendous sense of guilt and shame. I would overhear my parents running me down behind my back. The thing is in reality I did well at school, was zealous for 'the truth' and never did anything to bring 'shame' on my family. On the other hand my father was an secret alcoholic and had an affair with a sister in the cong while he was PO!
On the other hand in most normal non JW families, children grow up secure in the knowledge of their parents unconditional love and support. That does not mean there is no discipline or punishment, but there is a real sense of love and approval that builds a child's self esteem.
Yet in spite of being treated like I was, as a teenager and adult it was always me who was there non-stop for my parents in their sicknesses and business troubles. Right up until my father told me in January this year he was cutting me off, I was cooking meals and doing baking for him (my mum died 4 years ago) and other things to help him out. I was also doing a lot to help my brother (and his family) who has been in and out of hospital many times in the last few years.
But that means nothing to a JW if you decide not to be one anymore. I was told I was Satanic, demonised, have lost all my intelligence, was never really in the truth, am deceitful and a whole lot of other sarcastic, insulting things that are totally untrue. It leaves you reeling, because in spite of everything we were a close family who did have many good times together. 49 years of being a dutiful, obedient, loving caring daughter to my father and sister to my brother and sister means absolutely nothing because I uttered the words that I don't want to be a JW anymore. They spit you out into the trash like a piece of spoiled food. That is conditional love at it's best.
Hopscotch
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GoddessRachel
Hopscotch, you are exactly right.
There is a post I feel you MUST read, but I cannot get my browser to paste it here for some reason. I created a thread called "What are my choices? Give up my niece and nephew or put up with Toxic and Abusive People?"
You can find it by clicking on my name and then clicking on Topics Started and then scrolling to the bottom of the list. All the responses are important to read, but in particular, if you only read one response, READ SCULLY'S POST.
I have printed it off and read it over and over. I have read it aloud. I have read it to other people. It rings true more and more each time. I hope it helps you the same as it has helped me!
I would rather accept the painful truth and then live my life than waste my time yearning for people who neither love me or deserve my love. Some serious food for thought.
Best to you, Hopscotch!
Rachel
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Hopscotch
Rachel - Thank you so much for letting me know about Scully's post on your thread. It is a fantastic post and I can relate to so much of what is said. Those 3 points in Barbara Coloroso's book about contempt are spot on in showing the underlying attitude behind the way our familes view those of us who have left JWs. The other book of hers that Scully mentions (the one on Evil and Genocide) showing how this attitude of contempt can ultimately lead to genocide also fits so well with the WTS. I have for some time been able to see a similarity between the way the WTS is able to get it's members to view as less than human those that leave JWs (and those in the world that are to be destroyed) and the way the Nazi party was able to whip up such hatred and contempt for the Jews to the extent that children would turn in their own parents. It is evil and frightening.
When I asked my father during the final phone call why he shows love to two members of his congregation that are both in prison for separate murders (he drives a long distance to visit one of them) yet is cutting me out of his life, he told me that these criminals are repentant and want to remain JWs whereas I don't, so he and the rest of my family have no intention of showing me love any more.
So Rachel just like you, these people who were my family neither love me or deserve my love. By the way they have decided to cut me off even though I am not df'd or da'd - it is their own decision as a family!
Thanks again Rachel. All the best with your family issues as well.
Hopscotch
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GoddessRachel
I am not df'd or da'd either, Hopscotch, so believe me, I understand your plight!
Here's to moving on with people who deserve our love and devotion!
Rachel