Hi I have been on a few days - Im not sure how it all works but heres my history - maybe people can relate to it..
well basically when I was nine years old my brother died from an epileptic fit. There were four of us, The eldest who died, another brother, me and my younger sister. shortly after the witnesses came knocking on my mums door. (do they read the obituaries)? a grief stricken mum - this seemed to provide some answers for her, and so the studies started. it was ok for the years my father was still alive, I dont remember much about the years he was ill, but he had been a witness as a young man but was disfellowshipped at 20. as his cancer progressed he started a bible study. - he was reinstated before his death but he was still my dad and he swore like a trooper. -
well, incidentally, the man who did the bible study with my dad, became my stepdad within 6 months and we moved into his house. thats when life actually stopped for us. - there was to be no contact with school friends, - we were put into new schools where we had to stand out as different -
I would get punished for the slightest thing - if i left a stereo plugged in he would take the fuse out and tell me it had fused - mind games, you know. - we had to have lights out by 9 and he would look for a reflection on the lawn. one minute late and it was early bed the next day. my mum strapped me with a leather belt because i had 'stolen a pound' - i really hadnt to this day i would admit it, but she found a pound in my room and repeated the phrase 'where did you get it andonette, where did you get it andonette, where did you get it andonette' over and over until I concocted some story. then i got strapped.
another time i got strapped for going into my mums room for some face cream as my lips were chapped. - all my childhood there had never been a problem going into that room until she married 'him'
well i grew up with frequent room searches where they would literally turn my room upside down, open every book i posessed hoping to find things within the pages that i may have been hiding. to date until the age of 19 my most serious crimes were being in possession of a band poster and holding my boyfriends hand in the cinema. oh how I was punished for that! I was not forced to pioneer or anything but if they felt i was doin g something wrong they would keep me off work. i left in the end and pioneered because it was the thing you should be doing. After my parents approved one bloke and let me actually go out with him, i married him a year later. - we had a totally chaperoned courtship = all of my phone calls were screened. My marriage lasted 14 years and he is a really good bloke, but because of how trapped i felt i sought escape and I used him badly. - something I will regret forever, because I know he loved me more than his religion and he probably still does. -
Our marriage crumbled after stupidly agreeing to buy my parents house and we lived there for three or four years. Im not sure what the motive was but i ended up spending most of my time with my mum belittling my husband and he became a scapegoat for everything. my parents had no time for him, they said he was lazy and the poor man didnt stand a chance. - my children were not my own anymore. my parents imposed bedtimes, dicipline and what they watched on TV etc - her reasoning was I bought the TV so I decide whats on it. - my life was completely controlled at 33 and i was on the verge of a breakdown. - in the end I just snapped and quit my entire life. - my job, my marriage 'the truth' - I almost choke when I try to use that expression.
My parents remained and when i was disfellowshiped they said they would stay in the house still and support me with the kids - I would not be able to cope alone. - there were stipulations - a man I was seeing - they told me to cease all contact.
at this point the realisation hit me - I would always be living under their conditions. - i told them that they had no right to tell me who to mix with I was capable of making that decision for myself. so they upped and left and told people I had conned them out of their home. - i never told them to leave - i merely told thm they weren't in charge. I know my mum fully expects me to 'sort out my head' or 'come to my senses' but the funniest thing is I have. - this year i have become a much stronger person - but I have gone through horrible depression. what is the most painful is the separation of my sister and my nephews and nieces - my brother has 6 kids - i know its all from the dominant control of my mum that they continue to not have any contact with me. I hope despite thinking she is doing gods will that she feels bad every day for what she has done to me and my family.
my step dad will be dead soon from lung cancer, and once again she will remember what its like to feel as alone as I have felt. so alone that I wanted to die. - they want you to not be able to survive on your own, and for those that have always followed advice and kept uneducated and have no worldly friends I assume it would work, but i did have other people and I had a career, and so i had somewhere to start again. slowly bit by bit my world has gotten bigger and I have realised I am capable of raising children, looking after a house and making decisions by myself. I have survived and so I know I can.
I do still have a good friendship with my ex. he takes the kids to meetings but they do have a choice and he respects my feelings and is always happy to discuss - so he isnt a bigot, and if all witnesses were like him Id have no trouble being one.
-- an update on this is he isnt happy to discuss any more he said the other day he thought I was influenced by Satan. - harsh.