My mother became a JW when I was six months old so I was brought up within the confines of the organisation. I left properly in my early twenties and I am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have I travelled and documented thus far. Mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep. My first tentative steps in my quest for freedom way back then began with a letter to my congregation requesting that I be disassociated when I was just 21. I remember vividly the day I was visited by two elders, both of whom I had known all my life and were as familiar to me as my own family. I will never forget as one of them said as though he was requesting two spoons of sugar in his tea as opposed to one. “Oh Mark I am very sad for you as the last person that said this to me ended up blowing his brains out with a shot gun”.... We sat in silence for sometime as I recall as my young wife rocked quietly sobbing and cradling our beautiful 18 month old baby on her arms. She was asleep and blissfully unaware as to the momentous decisions I was making that would also shape and effect who she would later become. Yes that is one of the memories I have that we file under “damage do not open”! As god is my witness (all puns intended) those were his exact words. A cold front designed to chill a vulnerable 21 year old young man. Contrary to what was being said to me by all those around me, contrary to the threats of losing my right to the resurrection as I was baptised, contrary to the chorus of “like a dog I had returned to my own vomit “that echoed in my head during those 4.00am moments of which I had many. The truth was (and again all puns intended) fairly simple, I had reached a juncutre whereby I couldn’t breath anymore. I had honed to perfection the brotherly mask as I played out my role. The truth is I had no idea who I was. And as I looked at my little daughter , my heart rang out that I didn’t want her to grow up half asleep .
As I stared up at the microphone in my smart little bow tie, reaching my hand up as far as it would go to answer my Watch Tower question that had been so well rehearsed, the most precious thing I had, that we all have we all have is the essence of who we are, and this was being taken away from me little by little, day after day, month after month that turned into years. The essence of who we are feeds the organisation. From the mouths of babes indeed. Yes those were my first tentative steps on the journey to find out who I actually was and looking back then at my reflection that stared back at me I was was someone I wanted to get to know. I wanted to be a friend to myself, not the enemy from within.
I would say to anyone just leaving or thinking of leaving the organisation. Be true to who you are. Be aware of course and effect. Damage is damage. Low self esteem is just that and it manifests itself in the same way whether you have been in the organisation or not. Emotional deprivation is just that and all humans react the same to a greater or lesser degree. Contrary to what you are told do listen to your inner self. It is part of who are adn is there to guide you. It is true we are not designed to walk this path alone, but if you have a spiritual need within, which I believe we all do, you come to realise we are all one and we are as lonely as we allow ourselves to be. I have come to know and love the universe as it should be approached and that we are all part of this journey and we all have a responsibility to do our bit. This is a big subject and I digress! I have devoted over twenty years to being the best person I can be since leaving the organisation and hopefully another 20 or so on top of that is to follow.The relationship I have with my daughter is amazing, though boy did I have to fight for it over the years, but is was more than worth it.
What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation, but as it should be for each individual reading this, totally bespoke to you. It is these perfect pieces of the jigsaw, so denied to those within the organisation that is real soul food and leads to enlightenment and emotional well being.
Your friend (without a shotgun licence)