I quit
good for you
Im probably getting a divorce.... :*(
by WuzLovesDubs 27 Replies latest jw friends
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quietlyleaving
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AudeSapere
I don't know how it is in other states, but in California there are also mediators to assist with divorce details.
Since there appear to be no real assests, an attorney may not be fully necessary. If you get an attorney (say for $1500), your husband will likely need to get one too (say another $1500). That's $3000 upfront that you don't seem to have (reference late mortgage payment).
Do both of you currently work? If husband works, you may be able to get alimony.
I have a few friends previously in similar dire situations who just walked away from everything and found life to be much more enjoyable without the albatrosses.
Get a job. Rent a room. There are even some families who need elder or child care in early mornings or in the evening who provide free or discounted room and board in exchange for elder or child care in the early morning hours or in the evening. Many community colleges provide significant financial aid to re-entry students and especially those in mid-life transition.
Once you are out, you may find that your biggest mourning is not the loss of the marriage but the loss of time spent in a fruitless endevour.
I hope it works out well for you - whatever you choose.
-Aude.
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CoonDawg
Here in FL, I know you'll get alimony if your lawyer asks. Just make sure you consult one before you broach the subject with him. I've found out the hard way that there are no nice divorces. Make sure you protect your interests, plain and simple. Believe it or not, you can get through the initial grieving over your loss if you are prepared. I remember when my ex and I were at the brink of divorce, I knew that she'd been unfaithful to me and I read a book about surviving infidelity. It gave me great steps to take and that the other person must take if you decide to try and make it work, and steps for if it's not going to work. To this day, I feel that I was liberated rather than crushed by my divorce because of this. Also, talk to your regular doctor about your situation. Sometimes they can refer you to a therapist or at least prescribe anti-depressants to help you cope - just on the temporary basis. Concentrate of the freedom you will have. 54 isn't that old. Just think of yourself being a cougar in the wild again. You can be happy and fulfilled on your own first. Finally, you will have the freedom of your own identity - not "sister" so and so, or "such and such's wife" or even "so and so's mom". Choosing a job that gives you fulfillment is a great option. Go back to college and study something interesting. Hell, I see people on campus every day that are easily over 50.
I know it's not easy. But I do wish you well. Don't be down, be excieted about your new prospects. This truly is the first day of the rest of your life. I know all of us will look forward to hearing stories about your steps on your new path.
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no more kool aid
Sorry, I hope you do find happiness. I think you are more likely to be happy if "you" are in control of your life. Who could be happy with a dry drunk yelling at you all the time. You've probably become so accustomed to bad treatment you think you deserve it. You don't, all the best.
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Bubblie
So sorry this is happening to you. Divorce is never easy. I just got one after over 35 years of marriage last year in July. I am older than you and am looking for a job in a depressed area of Tennessee. I never had children because of the dubs. Hope you are able to keep it together. It is a very difficult thing to leave but I wish you well. I personally hate living alone but am doing it much better now. I can do what I want when I want. I love my freedom now. Many on this board have given me good advice. I have just joined a divorce support group. I am able to go to therapy as well. You are scared because you remember what you went through before and how long it takes to work through the grief and how hard it is to do. Even when you are ready to go you still have to deal with so much. I wish you strength and power. So many of us have had your situation. If we were men we wouldn't give it as much thought. But then again we are able to cry easier than then, huh? Thats a sign you are on the road to recovery. You will not always feel like you do. The grief will not destroy you. You will get through this experience as others have gotten through it before you. Power to us women!
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flipper
WUZLUVDUBS- I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. Been there done that too. It's never easy - but I agree with BEKSBKS ; once you get through the details and the pain , and are able to move on with your life it does get better. This too shall pass. You will live to love another day - if you so choose. If not - that's fine as well , at least try to keep a good , close relationship with your children in the process while the divorce is going on. Help your children feel your love ; and by all means reassure them that THEY are NOT to blame for the divorce . Children will blame themselves and feel guilty that they did something to cause mom and dad to split. So it's up to you to reassure them of your love.
And please don't let your witness ex-husband try to manipulate your rights to see your teenage children by him bashing you over the head with the controlling jargon of the witnesses. It's plain and simple in California law and most states ; both parents have equal rights to visit and have normal family relations with their children, no matter what a " mind control" cult says. Don't let him use the witness cult to control you. Insist on your rights to be a part of your children's life. If he tries to prevent that - he's breaking the law of the land. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me - I went through a divorce with a witness wife 10 years ago and teenagers were involved . I might be able to give you some tips. Please take care, be good to yourself , get a massage, take a hot bath with wine , you will make it through this
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WuzLovesDubs
You guys rock...you totally do. xoxoxoxox
Yesterday after I finished my "I quit" letter and handed over the bills. I watched a movie called the Dutchess. I love period pieces like that. But this poor lady, marries this Duke she thinks loves her and afterwards finds out he only wanted to marry her to produce a male heir. So her life with him is empty. He wont speak to her. He has affairs on the side...kids all over town...all females. And she herself only has female children. And someone else loves her out there but this Duke wont let her go. He threatens to take her children and to destroy the man she wants to be with and so she is trapped. He brings in another woman in fact with her three boys to live with them and is bedding her too. And I just balled and balled at how I related to her...that "trapped" feeling. But now my kids are 20, almost 18 and almost 14 and there would be no custody battle. They are old enough to decide for themselves where they want to be. Im sure the two youngest will want to be with me and the oldest will stay with his dad so they can "bach" it but I have not told my oldest what Im thinking yet.
Today Im not crying. And I will be going back and forth like this for a long time. I havent spoken to him at all. Zip nada. I want him to see what it feels like to be ignored like you were furniture in your own home. Perhaps I will be surprised by his reaction. Maybe he will be happy to be free of me. Maybe because he is a JW he wanted to divorce me but wouldnt. In any event, he wont ever be able to marry again as long as he is a "true" JW because me and MEN are through baby. Done and done. But then you know how that is...he gets remarried, they DF him for six months, he repents and all is well again.
Im sure that as soon as I say Im leaving and will be asking for alimony, the men in my husbands life...whom I mentioned before all HATE women...will be looking for ways to screw me. I watched them do it when my sister in law (his sister) tried to file for divorce from her husband. They own a business together and the uncle hired a big time divorce attorney to keep her from taking money from the company. She in turn hired a forensic accountant who found out they were trying to hide assets and cheat her...and it ended up costing the two of them tens of thousands. Then he convinced her to call off the divorce by promising her he would change. She did....he didnt. So now they are back to square one.
I considered a legal separation for a year first...but then decided there is no way I would go back to him. 22 years of trying to make it work is quite enough. I will let you guys know how it goes.
hugs to all of you.
LD
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OUTLAW
Purps says:"It`s better to be alone,than to want to be alone."........That line has stuck with me..It`s funny and it`s so true......I still laugh when I think about it.......When a relationship is Toxic,your better to leave......Good Luck!... OUTLAW