Is it naive to believe that you will always be faithful to your partner?

by nicolaou 37 Replies latest social relationships

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  Confession

  I don't think there's anything wrong with believing it. But I think making absolute assertions can be a sign of naivete. I am unbelievably happy in the relationship with my girlfriend, and I am not the sort who is given to infidelity (as many are.) But is it possible for me? In being objective, I could imagine a scenario in which I was energetically pursued by a woman, and with a certain set of circumstances being present, I could succumb. But it seems more likely (knowing me) that I would find a way to sidestep this scenario. Is it possible. Yes. Do I believe I will? No I don't.

  I think having been a Watchtower zombie has helped me in this way. For thirty-eight years I lived in a sort of virtual reality in which I often sensed my reality was not genuine. After my "awakening" I came to see that most everything was fake. Well, now that I'm out, I want things to be as real as they can be. I am free to discuss what I want to discuss, disagree with what I want to disagree with, believe in what I want to believe in... And when it comes to all of my relationships--especially the one with my lover...

  I want real.

  And I won't believe it is real if I am not treating it as real myself.
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  delilah

  It's not naive to believe that you want to always be faithful, but it is naive to think that you're immune from circumstances that could lead you to temptation...

  Right on, Undercover.
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  caliber

  It's not naive to believe that you want to always be faithful, but it is naive to think that you're immune from circumstances that could lead you to temptation...

  I would agree with this statement but to add there are two people involved in this outcome , this is part of the" circumstances" that

  could change the comecome down the road ! Also many have on other postings said avoid saying never... or always ..absolute words !

  Cal
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  StAnn

  You're not going to like this response BUT....

  JWs are very legalistic. They avoid wrongdoing because they'll get in trouble. A few years ago, I discovered Christianity and discovered God. Now that I understand grace and what my sins do to God, I find that often in life, when I'm confronted with temptation, my reason for not succombing is because I don't want to hurt God. Not that I want to hurt my spouse, but my appreciation of and love for God is generally my main reason for not giving in to temptation.

  I would say that, for me, so long as I stay close to God, which is a decision I make and actions I take, I can't see myself cheating. God is the only one who loves me unconditionally and, thus, the only one who can engender such a loyal response from me.

  If it were just about not doing it because it's against the rules, well, that wouldn't be enough to keep me in line.

  StAnn
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  nicolaou

  Yes it is naive to believe that...

  it is naive to think that you're immune from circumstances that could lead you to temptation...

  I think making absolute assertions can be a sign of naivete...

  So the whispered promise that you will always be true, the public marriage vow to forsake all others - what are they worth if there is always the caveat that, 'well you never know what might actually happen?'

  Don't you have to believe the promises you make?
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  sammielee24

  Interesting.

  I don't believe it is naive to believe..belief is what holds you fast to your ideals. Is it realistic? Possibly but then you would have to be psychic and see all your life and it's challenges before they happened so your response would always be the 'right' one.

  People talk about control and how control wouldn't allow such a thing to happen. It doesn't always work that way. People have been known to suffer from depression and emotional collapse and then find themselves in situations that they would never normally be part of. What about people who are unknowingly suffering from the initial stages of alzheimers or dementia - making decisions and doing things they normally wouldn't of? What about people who find themselves drugged or drunk and end up in a situation they normally wouldn't be in? What about people who in times of war or times of survival, use whatever means necessary to live and resort to sex as barter? In those cases, I believe one looks to whether or not life is of more value to them than being sexually faithful.

  None of us can ever say things are absolute. I believe we all have a standard we want to achieve in our lives but on the same hand, if you falter in that believe and those standards slip, then judgement and punishment needn't be the first reaction - understanding the reasons why are more important I think. sammieswife.
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  Confession

  So the whispered promise that you will always be true, the public marriage vow to forsake all others - what are they worth if there is always the caveat that, 'well you never know what might actually happen?'

  Don't you have to believe the promises you make?

  Let's consider that last question? Isn't it true that any of us can break a promise that we've made? Consider a few scenarios...

  If you promise someone you won't be late for an appointment, isn't possible that you could end up being late? "Yes," you may say, "but only because of circumstances beyond my control." Even if you left early, you could not have controlled the accident that caused a major traffic jam.

  If you promise an employer you will always be loyal to the company, isn't it possible you could later accept a position with a competitor? No matter how good things are at work now, they could change later. You may have received generous compensation early in the relationship, but in later times went years without a raise. A new, abrasive manager is brought in. Because of new circumstances, your continued loyalty might be without the meaning it once held.

  If you promise a religious organization you will always be a faithful adherent, isn't it possible you might leave that organization? Mightn't you later discover that it wasn't what you thought it was? Here again circumstances changed.

  I hate it that my post might portray me as jaded or cynical. Truth is, I'm a very romantic person who places great importance on integrity. But, at 42 years of age, having been through what I've been through, having observed what I have, I've decided that I am more comfortable with openness and honesty than I am with 'whispered promises,' since they seem to be based upon the idea that circumstances don't change. And while I don't think circumstances must change, I know they can and often do change. And these changes are not necssarily due to a lack of loyalty on our part.
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  yknot

  Don't you have to believe the promises you make?

  I think individually it depends on the amount of selfish tendencies a person allows themselves.

  Cheaters tend to justify their actions. Ultimately it becomes an entitlement issue.

  I personally wouldn't enter into a marriage without the mindset of fidelity until death due us part.

  I was told I was naive for saying that I'd never cheat - ever.

  It just comes down to personal responsibility and self control, some exercise those attributes and others don't.
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  sammielee24

  I personally wouldn't enter into a marriage without the mindset of fidelity until death due us part.

  I wouldn't either.....nor would anybody else I know - but life and situations can alter that mindset unintentionally. An abused woman or man who goes into a marriage fully committed and faithful can have their mindset challenged and changed by situations they never dreamed of - if they knew the future would be a kick in the gut or a knife at their throat, they wouldn't say till death due us part. An emotionally/physically/mentally battered spouse of either gender, can suddenly find themselves adrift without an oar or an ideal.

  I know of women who have divorced but remained alone while their spouses remarried. Their choice. Ditto men. They were separated by divorce and not death and wouldn't have envisioned that the day they got married. A woman on finding out her husband is a child molestor - death won't part them but prison might. People aren't perfect..we can hope to adhere to our standards and perhaps if we all fall short at some time, we can look in the mirror and understand that we should not judge others if we seek compassion and forgiveness ourselves. sammieswife.
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  FlyingHighNow

  I know that through out life, I have thought I would never feel this or that. Someone would say something to me and I would think, "I'll never feel this way." But I've eaten my words enough to tell you that at least for a lot of us earthlings, we really have to never-say-never.

  You can have the best of intentions when you marry. Or you could never imagine thinking of anyone but your mate or love, then something or circumstance changes and it happens that you are thinking of someone else.

  No matter how much we hate it, we have to live with imperfection in ourselves and others.

  I do believe though that two people can be so perfect for each other and be healthy enough to have a grand love that renders them captive to each other forever.