Alrighty, well I came up with a list of fifty, let me know if you find this funny:
1.) Don't tell my children that I'm going to die soon at Armageddon
2.) Don't tell my child that the only salvation from dying at armageddon is in the bible and show him pictures of stones falling on people from heaven? He now thinks he literally has to fit inside the bible to be saved from falling rocks.
3.) Why does my child call Fruit2O "wormwood"?
4.) Try not to mention anything about Jesus having a spiritual marriage with 144,000 people in heaven (it's hard to explain to them later on)
5.) Don't let my children be molested by elders
6.) If they are molested it would just be fantastic if you could not try to cover it up to not bring reproach upon Jehovah's name.
7.) Don't flash pictures of extreme violence to my children (this includes depictions of people dying in Armageddon)
8.) Satan may indeed be roaming the earth like a roving lion seeking to devour people, but don't tell my children he will if they don't take their scheduled naps
9.) In a medical emergency it is fine for my child to receive a blood transfusion, please don't coach them to tell the doctor "it's like I'm being raped". (which is quite ironic as when they are actually raped they are not to say anything regarding it).
10.) Can you not read them the proper bleeding techniques from Exodus as when I cook my child a steak he now has to hang it upside down from a coat hanger for an hour before he eats it?
11.) I know the title of the book is young people ask, but oral sex isn't really a topic I want my two year old learning about.
12.) If you take my kids to a garage sale, never tell them that the toys they want may be inhabited by demons
13.) Don't ask my child when he takes a while in the bathroom if he's masturbating, he's two! And pull-ups are hard to figure out.
14.) Allowing my daughter to crawl around in just her diaper is by no means "seducing" anyone. (despite what some creeps in the organization say...I'm looking at you Timothy Gardener)
15.) Don't blame my child for accidentally mixing the exact mixture Jehovah states is specifically for him in Exodus, they're just haphasardly throwing things together, what are you doing with all those ingredients in the first place?
16.) My child owns a stuffed animal that is a yellow cow, they are not worshipping a golden calf.
17.) Don't bring my child to the Assembly, you'll end up having to buy them one of those stupid mini-fans outside and when it breaks later on I'll have to bring them to every store in the state to try and find a replacement...and I just don't have that sort of time on my hands.
18.) I don't care how righteous Phinneas was could we avoid mentioning people getting impaled by the genitals?
19.) No stories about Balaam while you realize the bible is talking about his donkey I don't feel like explaining how it's a physical impossiblity for one to talk out of their ass (unless they're on the platform).
20.) No stories about Noah, first our kid will name all their stuffed animals after food products (Ham? Seriously, Noah named his kid Ham) and every time it rains my child will start collecting two of every animal from around the house.
21.) The whole Flood story in general should be avoided because I don't want my child telling the person holding the gay pride flag that they're God's tool to show he'll never flood the earth again.
22.) David and Goliath may be a great story, however I have to stop my child from slinging rocks at the forehead of anyone over 6'5.
23.) Why will my child only drink water by putting it in their hand and bringing it to their mouth? Do you know how much wasted Juice is all over the floor?
24.) Really where am I supposed to find a scarlett rope to hang out my child's window?
25.) Great, when I bring my child to wrestling shows and the children start making fun of the bad guy for being bald my child cowers in fear thinking a bear is going to rip everyone in the hall apart.
26.) Do not read my child the story about Samson killing the Philistine army with the jawbone of an ass, he's now convinced he can eat food through his butt.
27.) Do not tell my child about how to make the world less violent God is going to kill every person on the earth, even a two year old can see the redundancy of that.
28.) Again no flood story, every time it rains my child tosses a dove out his window to see if there's any dry land.
29.) Please explain to my child that Sarah having a child at 90 was a miracle so he stops asking elderly overweight women if God is giving them a child? (also while you're at it explain how Sarah had another child shortly thereafter without divine intervention?)
30.) Do not read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah to my child, he was asking me if we owned a "fire proof umbrella" for our trip to San Fransisco.
31.) Explain to my child that even if he prays, painting a stick black and putting it in our cat's drinking water will not make it produce black kittens. Our cat is male, I don't think even God could pull that one off.
32.) Please avoid reading the story of the burning bush to my child, California has wild fires you know!
33.) Exodus 30:20 is a little harsh when my children don't wash their hands after using the bathroom!
34.) Do not read Leviticus to my child, we enjoy eating seafood and apparently that's an "abomination against God".
35.) God may think it's incredibly important for my children to be circumsized, but I don't think it's appropriate for my two year old to be nervous if he isn't.
36.) I understand that Joseph, John and Daniel had prophetic dreams, but my child's dreams about being inside Blue's Clues doesn't mean the coming apocalypse!
37.) Tell my child that the sabbath no longer exists so he'll stop stabbing me with his plastic sword when I work out on Sundays.
38.) Please tell my child that a bat is not a bird and the Bible is wrong on this one! He's going to fail science.
39.) You realize that Mike sometimes handles homicide investigations, please refrain from reading Deut 21:1-8, Mike and the other detectives don't think it's necessary to collect the elders and kill a horse every time they come across a dead body from unknown causes.
40.) Please explain symbollism to my child, he just asked the doctor if he can get his heart circumsized.
41.) Why does my child keep wanting me to pour oil on his head, Extra Virgin Olive Oil is expensive?
42.) Tell my child when I'm angry it's because they've done something wrong, not because "the Lord's evil spirit has come upon" me. (1 Sam 19:9)
43.) Before leaving on a trip we have to do a head count to make sure we don't lose any children, please tell my child it is not a census and God will not smite any of them like he did the Israelites. (Maybe show them the scripture where Moses does it and gets blessed instead of the one where David does it and thousands die)
44.) My two year old is not ready to be baptized, I know he would be accepted to be baptized, but please do not tell him to "take a stand for Jehovah" now. Armageddon is not that close, remember you told me the same thing THIRTY YEARS AGO!
45.) My child does not aspire to washing windows for a living!
46.) Why does my child insist on knocking on all the doors when we're walking through Home Depot?
47.) We're trying to go green with our cars, so kindly tell our child we don't need a four door car.
48.) I don't know what you've heard, but I don't know of anyone being possessed by demons for reading Harry Potter.
49.) Pick one thing for my child to do for God, he's spending his days and nights trying to figure out how to fear and love God at the same time.
50.) Tell my child that disfellowshipping has to be announced in the congregation and he can't just randomly ignore and not speak to people whenever he gets angry at them. He's told his brother that he's disfellowshipped and hasn't spoken to him for the past three days.