by John Doe 4 Replies latest social humour

  • John Doe
    John Doe

    man in touch with his inner monkey and who has taken on home improvement projects ought to relate to these definitions. ;-)


    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which
    you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    ''What the...??''

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
    until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
    your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
    of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
    you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
    under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
    off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
    drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
    future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
    good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
    trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
    and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
    screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
    you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
    the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
    contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
    collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
    Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
    the next tool that you will need


    That was hilarious!

    Too bad there weren't more posts; loved it.

    Very clever!

  • dinah

    Funny, JD. I've several of those mishaps happen to my Dad. I try to keep Mr. Dinah away from power tools 'cos he's a little clumsy.

  • Aculama

    Funny but sad too, I live it every day.

  • Satanus

    S*(&^ p(*&^ f(*&^^ c(*&^^% H#$& b%*&^$ c$%^*&^%$!! A magical incantation to make stuff that's not working work.


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