Completely taken advantage of!

by Gill 14 Replies latest jw friends

  • Gill

    Not to make light of a very important illness, but I have, I believe 'Grandmother's Postnatal Depression'!!

    I feel totally taken advantage of and a laughing stock and a 'nothing'. Infact I feel totally unappreciated.

    I am looking after my sweet little grandaughter for around 60 hours a week! She is a little sweet heart but such hard work! I had agreed to look after her part time, NOT full time, while her mother got a part time job. But her mother went back to full time employment, at a very good rate of pay by the way, and I now have the baby for about 10 - 12 hours a day. I am so trapped. They pay me nothing and I still have my own household to run, of five other people to take care of. I lost my evening job and so I have NO MONEY at all now, only my husbands wage coming in. What a nightmare!

    I am so unhappy with the situation but can't believe that they would actually expect me to do this hard job of work for nothing! My daughter in law handed me fifty pounds last month to get some bits I might need for the baby when she's with me, but that's all! I get nothing!

    I have been very angry with every one in my home this weekend. They have said that I must say something about this situation but I'm concerned that my son and daughter in law will throw a strop and then we won't be permitted to see the baby again. However, I cannot carry on in this trapped nightmare.

    I have a plan!

    It's a crazy plan!

    I thought I might run away from everyone and perhaps do a 'John Darwin' and get a canoe. At the point of thinking of this, I realised how desperate I had become! I expressed how unhappy I am to my immeadiate family and they can come up with no suggestions to help me out of this.

    I've warned them that I will 'change my reality' and leave them all, but they don't seem to understand my nightmare situation!!

    Would you expect your mother to look after your children full time........for nothing?

    My next stop is to look up 'Canoes' on google!

    Don't say I didn't warn them all!

  • llbh

    This is wrong imo but in this case you can alter the way things are, you are your own person, what you have said here you could say to your son, or your daughter in law. You may well be surprised at the result, at least they will know how you feel which is a good thing for both of you.

    Regards David

  • Gill

    I WANT to say something, David. However, my son and girlfriend are totally 'unpredictable'. I know the rest of the family would be angry if they were not to see the baby again, and they might blame me for that, if I were to say something.

    Last week, son and daughter in law said that they had to rush home as her parents were coming round for tea, which is a regular thing each week. However, myself and husband have not even in the last year, been asked round to see their new house, never mind go round and be fed! Heaven forbid!

    I'm fed up with them. They are like blood sucking leeches and parasites! I don't like being their 'host'.

    I have no resentment with baby at all BUT I see red when I see her parents!

  • llbh

    A very large problem in alot families is good and non judgemental communication , i know from personal experience,You are more than doing your bit and if they have any decency they will see that. you could do this tactfully. The rest of the family surely see this too.

    Regards David

  • Gill

    David - You are right, in that the rest of my immeadiate family DO see that I am more than doing 'my bit'. BUT, they are also speechless at the 'brass balls' of my older son and girlfriend, in expecting me to look after tiny one for 60 hours per week.

    I expect I don't have to tell you what hard work under 3's can be and this baby is only 8 months old.

    But communication with my older son is and has always been a problem in that he has a very self centered and self serving attitude in life and has found his perfect soul mate with the same problem.

    His girlfriend complains that it is 'not fair' that I should be looking after the baby!

    She can have my job! She gets paid Family Allowance and Family child tax credit on top of her well paid job to do that very job.....look after her baby. The tax credit is not that high as she earns over 20 thousand a year and between her and my son they are earning around 40 thousand!

    I earn nothing!

    I get a 'thanks grandma!'

    I don't care if it sounds like I'm an insensitive, ungrateful grandmother. I've lost my job. Can't afford a hair cut. I am inundated with non stop work at home, since I have four children of my own still at home, three of them under 16 and one only eight years old.

    I'm fed up!

    And have you seen the price of new Canoes these days?

    I wonder how much they are on ebay!?

  • Brother Apostate
    Brother Apostate

    Oh. The. Drama.

    Allow me to cut through the crap:

    Ask yourself whether you would like to babysit your grandchild, and, if so, how many hours you are willing to do so and at what rate of pay. Your son's alternative is to pay a babysitter that is NOT related (and presumably cares less about) his child. Feel free to negotiate with him and his girlfriend if necessary. If you ca not come to a mutual agreement that you are both satisfied with, have the strength to say "no" and simply allow your son to pay a babysitter. In time, he will either decide to continue doing so, or realize that it is better for all parties to negotiate with you an arrangement that is acceptable/beneficial for all parties. Do not continue to allow him/her to leech off of you this way- in the long run you are encouraging this egregious behavior. Accept the fact that you are enabling this behavior, and if you do not change course, you are in danger of, and very likely will be, the victim of emotional blackmail, at least on a temporary basis.

    BA- Answering the question.

    PS- Be strong. Nothing worthwile comes easy. And if all else fails, you can buy the canoe, you'll need strength for paddling that as well.

  • TheSilence
    I know the rest of the family would be angry if they were not to see the baby again, and they might blame me for that, if I were to say something.

    Then perhaps the rest of the family needs to offer a significant amount of help towards watching the baby.

    Either that or tell your son you will have to cut down the number of days you watch the baby... perhaps her parents who are invited round to tea would be willing to pick up a bit of the slack a couple of days a week.

    My mom is very adamant that she has already raised her children, it's not going to be her responsibility to raise more. She wants to be a grandmother and just be able to spoil the kids when she has them. You can't do that if you have the baby 5 days a week. You have a right to be a grandmother, too!


  • funkyderek


    Simple solution. Take a week off. Advise them they need to find an alternative sitter for that week. Do this any time you feel you need a break.

  • reniaa

    you think you don't have the power but you do, your daughter in law will not be able to find a carer as good as you whose free and definitely knows it, so I recommend doing it diplomatically firstly plan your time carefully don't go in guns blasting, if it helps writew out a list of what you want to acheive. take a third party a man they know and respect to support you, don't get angry keep calm and make sure they know you love them but this is to much.

    Always stress how much you love an care for your grandchild, if it helps goto the doctor and tell him how stressed you are feeling he might be able to give you something that you can tell them it's health issues and you need to cut down the sheer amount of hours.

    This is your life and i#m sure if they value money so much they will let you reduce your hours rather than lose you completely and have to pay a full-time carer.

    you may never get wages but stress that you need less hours, remember you could end up with this job till nursery and still get no thanks, Remember to keep calm but firm.

  • Hortensia

    You are letting them take advantage of you. You are the only one who can put a stop to it. You are not responsible for how the rest of the family feel. Tell your son to find a baby sitter and go out and get yourself a part time job. They are neglecting their child and you are helping them do it. They are using you and you resent it. You have to get a spine and tell them you can't do it any more. There's no point in negotiating to be paid - they will simply "forget" to pay you for weeks at a time!

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