Being Reinstated After being DFed - Were You Treated Bad Back Inside ?

by flipper 28 Replies latest jw friends

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  LongHairGal

  GARY B: Like you I wasn't DF'd either but yet some treated me in a standoffish manner. I like your term 'one stepper'. Honestly, I didn't really care all that much. I just wondered if these wonderful christians would expect somebody like me to help them if their so-called spiritual friends were not around.

  NOMOREKOOLAID: I can relate to many things you said. I wasn't married but I do have a job/career and I didn't fit in socially. I didn't pioneer. I also was excluded from being invited to certain things. I was invited to a barbecue here and there but I was never invited to mixed gatherings where there were other single sisters who didn't want any competition around. These gatherings were rather secret and I heard about them incidentally long after they occurred. Interestingly enough, the sisters who were invited to these things never met anybody there anyway because there were no 'wedding bells'.

  I can also relate to how you were invited to things where you were expected to give a gift such as $howers, etc. I just loved this - getting invitations from a girl who never said hello. I also loved those invitations to home product parties they gave. It got to the point where I declined almost everything.

  In general, as far as being unfriendly towards a reinstated person, there is no excuse unless the reinstated person was guilty of being a child molester. Then, you can bet your life I would avoid this person.

  LHG
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  Finally-Free

  These gatherings were rather secret and I heard about them incidentally long after they occurred.

  LHG, you just reminded me...

  I was rarely invited to anything, but before I was married I was invited to one 'gathering'. It was all the popular people, MS's, elders kids, pioneers™, etc. They were sitting there, laughing about how one pioneer™ sister™, the one I eventually married, - was deliberately not invited. They knew she was hurt by always being excluded, and were planning in advance how they would talk about this 'gathering' in front of her at the hall the next day - just so they could upset her. I think I upset their little party when I stood up, told them what I thought of them, and left.

  W
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  Lease

  Finally Free and Long Hair Gal,

  I am so glad you two posted. I thought i was nuts or made to believe i was nuts. I was not invited to party's. but, my boyfriend was. it was his 3rd generation congregation. i was the new gal. if i passed a sister down the corridor of the hall...she'd make a rude comment and keep walking. if i'd tell my boyfriend how rude the sisters were treating me and especially HIS sister and her posse, he'd look at me like i was nuts. it even went so far as she called me a crazy nut in front of him and had her friend laugh at me....he just ignored it. and it was at a party at his home! the looks i'd get at the hall from these single sisters. and the brothers....well, that's another story.

  thanks for posting this info. FF and LHG
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  Finally-Free

  Lease, I was an adult convert, and my ex came from a divided family. We both felt like we were always on the outside looking in. No matter what we did, we could never really be one of them. We were barely tolerated. Maybe the JWs treated me with suspicion because of my colourful worldly past, or maybe we were regarded as lesser beings because we didn't have all kinds of family and extended family with the fancy cult titles. There were others too, who spent their entire lives isolated from their "brothers and sisters" because of the impenetrable cliques, and at the same time isolated from "the world" and non JW relatives because they shouldn't be "unevenly yoked with unbelievers".

  You weren't crazy or nuts by any stretch of the imagination. In the congregations there are the Elite, those who kiss the butts of the Elite in their efforts to maintain some social status, and the untouchables. Associate with an untouchable and you lose your social standing. Untouchables are only invited to occasions where a gift or other favour is expected. Only the DF'd are beneath the untouchables.

  Many would probably not recognize these class distinctions. They're too busy enjoying their social life to take any note. You have to actually be an 'untouchable' or close to it in order to recognize them.

  W
• 

  LongHairGal

  Finally-Free,

  You are absolutely right about the 'untouchable' status. I guess that is what I was and have pretty much been the whole time I was there. The caste system is alive and well within this religion. It is a good thing they have no real power or else I would be in trouble.

  They had several reasons for viewing me as such - (1) I was not raised a JW, I came in as an adult, (2) I work and am independent, (3) I am outspoken, (4) have a decent figure and subject to criticism over 'modesty' in dress, (5) never followed their advice about housecleaning because I knew it was bunk, (6) was a low hour publisher and now I am a no-hour publisher, (7) I won't allow myself to be exploited so they can't get anywhere with me, (8) don't care what they think. How is that for reasons to be viewed as 'untouchable?. Do you think I would change any of these things if I could? Nope.

  It is absolutely true that only the DF'd are 'lower' but in some instances I think certain DF'd ones are more popular than I ever was! As far as being invited only when 'money or a favor' is wanted, you are right on the money and I declined those invitations.

  LHG
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  cruzanheart

  was still shunned by rank and file members inside the congregation. Inside and outside the kingdom hall. Several times I'd invite " weaker " publishers over for dinner- and they would accept, however in 2 years at that congregation my family and I were never invited to others homes for a meal. Even elders I'd be in field service with- if we took a break and stopped by my house for a restroom or drink break- the elders refused to come inside my home. And yet they were so willing to give me advise about what was happening in my personal life.

  That happened to my dad. One slip after 40 years of faithful service and he was treated like shit. It drove him to suicide a year after reinstatement.

  As for me, I attended every meeting I could with the kids, but since my husband didn't go I was ignored. I'd comment at every meeting I attended, but the elders couldn't seem to remember my name. I'd invite kids over to play with my kids, but they rarely got a return invitation. After growing up as an elder's daughter, a regular pioneer, and a ministerial servant's wife, it was quite eye-opening. My "last straw" was when my then 5-year-old son contracted a rare little thing called "post-viral arthritis" that had him in screaming pain for about 6 weeks. He finished Kindergarden in a wheelchair, had to be propped up in bed with pillows because if he moved the joint pain would make him scream, and was on round-the-clock Advil. Toward the end of his ordeal, he was feeling better but still needed the wheelchair and I decided to take him to the Sunday meeting, since we hadn't attended for almost a month (of course, no one had called or come by to find out what was wrong). Out of 150 people, only 3 asked me what happened to put Jackson in a wheelchair. The PO, on my way out after the meeting, asked brusquely, "what happened to him?" and when I started to tell him, interrupted me after about 5 seconds and said, "well, Jehovah will give you strength to endure." THAT DID IT. I left, fuming, and went home and told my husband I would never go back. And I haven't. The kids were thrilled. My husband was thrilled.

  It took the elders a long time to notice that I wasn't there. When they finally did, I simply moved my card to a neighboring, more apathetic congregation, and they didn't visit me for a year and a half. After I told them that the peace and quiet was exactly what I wanted, they haven't been back since.

  Tell me again why I stayed a Witness for 46 years???

  Nina
• 

  flipper

  LONG HAIR GAL- Your reasons for being considered " untouchable " were pretty much my reasons as well. I was independent in my thinking - didn't care what authority figures thought. Another brother I was good friends with and myself would at times question the elders methods of doing things which were'nt in harmony with the society . No doubt one of the reasons I was never re-appointed as a MS in the mid 1990's as I had been one from 1980 to 1986 and stepped down. The seeds of doubts were brewing in me even before I finally left for good in 2003.

  FINALLY FREE- I'm glad you stood up to those " allegedly " elite ( in their own minds ) people at the social gathering when they were dissing your future wife. I too had to make stands towards people hurting others - it was never easy - but took balls to do it. I agree with you - there was definitely class distinctions in the JW organization. Still is. I feel for you - I never fit in either.

  LEASE- Sounds like these " sisters " were definitely jealous of you. What cruel behavior on their part you had to put up with ! Your boyfriend sounded like he didn't have the courage to stand up on your behalf either ! He was just as guilty for letting these people treat you this way !

  CRUZANHEART- I'm so sorry your dad committed suicide because of this insane hatred this organization displayed ! My deepest sympathies to you sis. Very sad. And how the elder treated you and your child - absolutely disgusting ! I'm happy that you finally got out. I'll tell you why you stayed in for 46 years and why I stayed in for 44 years - we were unsuspecting victims of deceptive " cult mind control". Thank God , or whoever- that our authentic thinking finally came back and we got free ! Take care- thanks for your experience . Hope your child is feeling better nowadays
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  hot mama

  My sister was disfellowshipped and when she was reinstates there were still many who would'nt speak to her and if they did they were still really cool towards her. The way I look at it, ay least she fessed up to her wrongdoing. I wonder how many of those who shunned her were hiding terrible secrets. Have any of you ever wondered about that?
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  flipper

  HOT MAMA- I am sorry your sister was treated that way. If the truth was known , yes, like you say many of those people shunning her that way were probably guilty of the same things themselves at one time or another. The witness cult is truly sick