Howdy all, I just happened to be in your neighborhood and thought I'd ring your doorbell to tell you the good news about Jehovah's kingdom, and if you don't believe every damn word of it you're going to die a horrible death real soon m*th*rf*ck*r thought I'd say howdy.
Like it says on my profile, I wasted my vulnerable teen years in the watchtower Bible and Crap society, and it nearly killed me. Funny thing is, I wasnt coerced into it by my family, they were all worldly (well except for a very eccentric old great uncle that nobody liked or visited) and thought I was out of my fucking mind to join up with that JW shit.
Which I was. Understandably, because my parents drank too much, there were truly horrible fights every night at home, a very bitter divorce when I was 10, and only child me was trapped in the middle of all that with no one to turn to. Plus I was smarter than average (which the other kids hated) and being gay, a bit of a sissy too (which got me beaten, cursed and very badly humiliated quite often). So when a friend gave me some watchtowers to read at age 14, who wouldn't want to join a group where everybody would love you and you'd eventually get to live a happy, wonderful life in a perfect body forever?
Of course both those ideas were complete and utter bullshit. But we all fell for it, 14 or 40, didn't we?
It didn't take long to realize that I was a horrible fuckup as a JW too, and God absolutely hated me, and there was no possibility of my surviving Armageddon into that wonderful new world. I made all the meetings like clockwork....without being forced to go by my parents, mind you.....and field service too (okay, okay, so maybe I slept in sometimes, that was the good part about NOT having JW parents, lol), but all to no use. Tried and failed, tried and failed and failed and failed and failed to live up to "Jehovah's righteous standards."
If you're thinking it was the gay thing and even worse, oh so much worse, the masturbation thing that kept tripping me up.....you're right, but I'll spare you the gory details. Except to say I was still a virgin at 24, long after I left the JW's behind.
Oh how I prayed and prayed and prayed. And failed and failed and failed. My short hair and ultra-conservative dork clothes got me all kinds of praise and good vibes in the congo....but inside I cringed at the compliments knowing I was so thoroughly rotten. God was so disgusted with me, he obviously wasnt even listening to my prayers anymore. I never actually tried to kill myself but I thought about it continually for most of those years, when other kids (at least in the "world") were growing into the fullness of adult life.
I even sought counsel from elders and circuit servants.....and get this.....wrote the society for help.....how fucking stupid. Never once suspecting that my personal pain and struggle would be circulated and gossipped about, or that Big Brother in Brooklyn would write to my PO and copy all the juicy details. So kind, so loving. So full of shit.
Naturally the one thing I prayed for incessantly was a nice, faithful, theocratic sister to marry....then of course all my problems would be solved, right. Thank God that never happened! What a complete and utter tragedy that would have been for all concerned. Like the Garth Brooks song, "sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".....
Long story short, by the time I was 21 I'd done everything I could and i was still so fucking miserable every damn day of my life that there was no point trying anymore. I wasnt ever going to get into the new system anyway, so why try?
I just quit going. Maybe it took a few months to fade (we didnt have that term then), I dont remember precisely now but basically I just stopped going one day. Funny how all my dear, dear friends never bothered to call or stop by and ask what's wrong? Course maybe too it was the beard I'd decided to grow.....cigarettes and Bad Company albums I bought (oh the irony)......plus the fact I'd confided my gayness in a female friend.....who no doubt ran straight to the KH and blabbed to all the elders, I realized much later. But strange to say, the JC never came after me.....it was like I had never existed......so much for brotherly love.
The funny thing was, as soon as I decided, okay that's it, I'm not gonna try anymore......I felt like this enormous boulder had been lifted off me, that huge, crushing weight was gone. I was really surprised how damn good it felt to get out from under all that....took me years to really understand why.
Okay enough of memory lane here, it's just nice to tell this stuff to people who really understand. "Worldly" people just don't get it, you know what I mean, lol.
I hope something I post helps somebody else sometime. Wish to hell the internet had been around when I was trapped in the Borg and so very isolated. Any questions, just ask. Later y'all.