My Son's Shunning begins......So Sad

by nomoreguilt 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • nomoreguilt

    In an earlier thread I spoke of my younger son going to move in with his girlfriend, non jw. He's 30, baptised, divorced hasn't been to meetings in three years and in good standing. So, yesterday I had the opportunity to help him move. THIS is a very good thing as I have been trying over the last few years to get our relationship back on track.

    I had gotten df'd and divorced from his mother and she had very succesfully alienayed my sons and I. After my remarriage and reinstatement, they saw the light and that dad wasn't as bad as mom had made me out to be. I have a better relationship with my 34 year old son and my younger son has been coming around and things have been looking up in the last 1 year or so. I have seen him twice in this time.

    Anyways, I helped him move yesterday, he's moving in with his girlfriend. During the course of this I asked him if he'd talked to his brother lately. The three of us had played golf 2 weeks ago and that was the last he'd seen him. However!!! On their drive home that day my older son brought up about his brother moving in with his girl friend.OMG!!! He told his younger brother that by doing this that he was, get this, DRAWING AWAY from him and his mother. CULT TALK!!! I said that's BULLSHIT!! He told me that the JW's were HYPOCRITES, I of course agreed with him.

    So, last week, he was having dinner with his mother and she brought up the matter of him moving, and whar was his girl friend going to do? Well, he told her that they were getting the apartment together. My son told me that his mother, my EX, just dropped her look from him and got this deep dark look in her face. We all know what's coming here, don't we? The shunning is starting now, isn't it? I just know that some one is going to HAVE to tell the elders about THIS! What a shame, eh friends?

    I told my son that this is not true NATURAL AFFECTION, and that I just wanted him to be happy and that it didn't matter to me about the jw's, that I had been on JWD and had learned alot about the org. He hasn't been on-line in a few years and has no desire to . No problem. I continued to let him know that I wasn't interested in jw's any longer and that what he did in his life was just that , HIS life.

    We left on a very good note. We should get together more and he could call and talk to me anytime he needed. I just KNOW that he won't be welcome around his brother's home any more, and that his mother is going to distance herself from him also.

    So, now, I am in a quandry. What, if anything should I say to his older brother about how he's going to treat him? Do I go out in a blase of glory and blow his perspective of the org out of sight? I have 2 sons, and I want a relationship with BOTH of them , but I can't ALLOW the older one to do this to his brother.

    Any thoughts or suggestions on this friends?


  • K.Matthews

    If your words have the possibility of destroying the relationship with either of your sons, then don't use those words. I'm no expert but I'd let things run it's natural course.

  • nomoreguilt

    Yes, there is that possibility of alienating one or the other from me. I have the opportunity to further solidify my relationship with the younger one. I don't want to play the one against the other. It's not my style, nor my inclination. I am just VERY upset that the older one is using this tactic without even thinking about what he is saying. He has no idea that this is just CULT talking. But I do need to in some way let him know what the org is doing to him and his brother.


    Carry on.

  • DaCheech

    just let it play out, at the same time you can trow out 1 liners to the hardcore one when warranted.

    things like.... would jesus do what you're doing? (ex. mary magdalene the whore)?

    be friends to both, give reasons and try to stay cool.

    you, know my very young kid corrected the other day about birthday she saw on TV.... I praised her, but said "honey, that what the KH tell us to do".

    little by little I will teach them the truth, but unprogram them to know that this comes from Brooklyn, not the bible

  • nomoreguilt

    Yes, the sad reality is that WE are the ones that taught them this mindset to begin with. Now, it's up to us to undo all that crap. My sons both know that I have had my differances with the org., My ex always told me that it was IMPERFECT men in a PERFECT org. However, WE all know that it's a mind control cult and that natural LOVE of family no longer plays an integral part of thier form of christianity.


  • nomoreguilt
  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Greetings NMG,

    I understand how you feel as I am in a similar situation. It's a half-and-half split as to how my family looks at life and proceeds: JW or nonJW minset and practical follow-through on any choices and consequent decisions made. It seems rather vague and indecisive, but in my case, it's I who am the antagonist because of my stand AGAINST the "truth." I find I must be a dad and not a preacher or judgment caller. Sort of like don't ask, don't tell.

    The best I can do, with all of as at polar opposites religiously-atheistically-faderistically speaking, is to be cordial and nonconfrontational. It seems to work in my unique situation ...

    Wishing you the best and sorry I can't be too specific.


  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead

    Don't ask me, NMG...

    You know that I am an advocate for the direct, honest approach...but I recognize that may or may not work for you...

    FYI, My wife is at the DC today and she said that she can barely concentrate... I told her to watch for keywords such as "organization"... so she is feeling weird at the assembly for the first time....

    This is why I recommend the direct approach... my stepfather and brother are shunning me.. but I still send emails or call them... so they know that they are the ones that are shunning me... not the other way...


  • dawg

    You state: "I don't want to play the one against the other. It's not my style, nor my inclination. I am just VERY upset that the older one is using this tactic without even thinking about what he is saying".

    Son one says in effect "younger bro, you must think like me about the JWs to be treated like a brother"

    Son two says "can't help you with that bro"...

    Who here has thrown up the gauntlet, son one or son two? Clearly its the JW that has made the division... and you don't feel the need to take sides when one son is clearly wrong and hurting the other brother's feelings for no god darned reason at all? What?

    How do you stop your son from continuing his abusive tactics that he'll be using until the end of times on all his family if you refuse to take a stand? I just don't get that. Generations must suffer in your family if you don't put an end to this nonsense, JW tactics work because we let them.

    One sons actions are clearly wrong, and will cause generations of your offspring to suffer if allowed to continue... even though you can't control the actions of your grown sons, you have an obligation to tell them how you feel, to tell them the truth. you can be nice about it but you must speak.

    Just my opinion...

  • changeling

    I can't add anything to what K.Matthews said. She showed wisdom beyond her years.

    All the best to you and your sons, NMG.

    changeling :)

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