So the next step i realized after meeting with the elders monday night was to say some "goodbyes" while i'm still able to. Now, the elders kept "wanting" me to "fade" . .. again, many people are telling me that they might be nice, but when they report back to the whole body, they could decide something else. I realized as for now, they actually said for me to get in contact with some of my friends ( i think they wanted to use it as a way to keep me in) so I figured while i have the "approval" stamp on my head it would be the perfect time to say some necessary goodbyes.
I picked my closest friend. She hasn't talked to me since i had the bad phone call with my other best friend. I showed up, she was SOOO scared, i immediately felt worse for her than myself. She wasn't even going to let me in.. i asked if we could talk for a minute.. she was very shaken and scared. When i came in right away i told her a bout the the elder meeting and that i had the "stamp" on my head, so please dont be so scared. She told me about how her husband (a MS) told her to never talk to me again, because if i'm into "apostate stuff" then i'm sinning against the holy spirit and thats unforgivible. She also right away said she was upset cuz obviously wasn't being honest with her before about my feelings- so i had to explain how you really cant talk about doubts, i didn't want to scare her, i wanted to "talk to the elders" ( i can say now that i wanted to , since i DID for 2 hours monday night) She kept saying she wanted to talk to me, but didn't want to damage her spirituality.. so she didn't know what to do. I put her at ease saying i had NO intention of discussing any of my issues with her.
Then i told her the whole point of me coming there was to tell her how much i loved her, how much i enjoyed being her friend over the last 7 years. How i would never have taken back a minute of that time. She had been my true sister and i loved her. So we were both tearing up, she told me how much she loved me and had felt over the last month like she was losing a sister too.
It went on a bit, she kept trying to ask where i was looking at information, telling me to not let my "apostate" husband influence me... that now she was sacared cuz if i wasn't in the truth where would my boundaries be? She actaully said, before i knew how you felt about everything, about raising the kids, morals etc. but now, I have no idea what you will want to do , what limits you'll have.... and this was SOOO scarey to her. I realized she was trying to talk herself thru being my friend even if i dont go to meetings, and i know that it's not gonna happen, i'm way out of the truth and not going back.
So i let her know that this was probably a "good-bye" conversation, and we both agreed that this was a much better way to do it. This way if we meet somewhere accidentally, we have all this laid out and it wont be as strange... as long as i dont get DFed.....
I need a drink... a strong one... I actually went to my other best girlfriends house right after,.. the one that started all this, but again, i just wanted to tell her in respect of our friendship i would like to say i love her and goodbye... but she wasn't home.
.......gotta get a strong one now........ i'm on a roll.......