Its good and kind. And I agree about reversing the order you talk about things so that the whole nonbelieving thing is at the end.
When I wrote my DA letter it was right after I read Crisis and I was certifiable. So...knowing that NOBODY would read it...I said from the get go that I no longer was a Jehovahs Witness and if I caught anybody saying anything to my CHILDREN regarding me I would sue their asses forthwith for defamation. And then I wrote 9 single spaced pages of why I was leaving which I knew no one would read. But it was theraputic for me at the time :)
I sent the letter out to ALL MY FRIENDS first and THEN to the PO because I wasnt yet DAd when my friends got it, so I hoped they would read it. if they did...I never knew.
good luck and let us know what happens!