Could you suggest a better way to word this to mom?

New light for you

Hello,

I'm trying to figure out how to word what i have to say to mom, and I'm just not cuttin it. Here's the story...Came in the "truth" with mom, i was 13, she was going thru a divorce. She's convinced to this day that we would have NO relationship if it wasn't for the fact that we found the witnesses. We had a TERRIBLE time of it once we left dad, and even after we were in the "truth". However, many years later, i have my own kids, we've gotten some understanding and have a decent relationship even though she's a little nutzo. OK... so hubby leaving the truth, then i'm believeing him... she said "tell me whatever is going on, it's ok, i know you cant talk to anyone else about it". So i did. Then she sent me the email about how we MUST OBEY everything the society says cuz it's JUST like noah and others that spoke directly with God. I BLEW UP about that email. I emailed her back about how incredibly mind-controlling it is, how it actually has NO relation to those in bible times and how SICK and how it makes me sure i want to leave. ..... OK, that wasn't the best decision. Now, she won't talk to me, but talks to my husband all the time on IM. Talks to him about seeing the kids, whats going on, the weather, whatever.

I want to email her something... she's really making a "self-fullfilling prophecy"... "we would have had no relationship without the truth, so if you leave, and i dont talk to you anymore, it PROVES that statement true". Ok, but i DONT want to be offensive. i'm NOT DFed, we're fading (for now) and it SUCKS that she wont talk to me while i've had to lose everyone else. I dont get why she'll talk to my husband since he STARTED us leaving, if for no other reason than just to piss me off.

So, how do i say 'your the one doing this" WITHOUT Sounding..... mean? bitchy?Offensive? Anyway... i've been thinking about it for weeks and cant come up with anything. You all are SO good at wording everything else, i was hoping you might have some suggestions...

THANKS! (sorry i got so long-winded!)

oompa

So tough...but hey...she does not want to be a grandma....so why bother? If she wont babysit or take your kids to Disney.....then you have way more issues than JW! If he can IM ...so can you...so try. But, you have a very, very, long row to hoe.......and patience is the only chance you have right now.....if she does not want your kids around ((((sorry))) and does not want to talk to you (((((extremely sorry))))) then you will need to face the facts and prob get some therapy and learn how to deal with that.....soooooo sorry.....oomps

whitman

Hi New Light, I had an experience this week which might be of some help. I left the borg years ago and mum has always been fairly relaxed about it - besides the occasional barbs or pointed comments. I've noticed lately that she must be feeling some pressure from the borg to make more of an effort in bringing me back. Over a cup of tea she managed to shift the conversation to her friend who's daughter has just been disfellowshipped, and mum said she was sad for her, and knew how she felt. I thought that comment was out of line since I am not disfellowshipped. So I gently said to her, 'mum, it's not the same - I'm not disfellowshipped, you can't really compare my sitation to the other situation'. Mum said, something along the lines of....yes but you are not in the truth ra ra ra. I very briefly went over the reasons I felt I had to leave the organisation (if you recall me earlier thread of absurd disclosure - that's the stuff I went over with her). Essentially she felt that I had left because I was stumbled. She used the whole - but they are only men and they are not perfect. I agreed and then I stated that I had not left God, and that in a day of reckoning I would be able to stand tall and have my heart read and God would know that my intentions were true, and as an imperfect person I am sure that a compassionate and loving God would not punish me for being uncomfortable with the organisation. I stressed that I maintained a personal relationship with God through prayer (not entirely true - only on the dark days really - just in case, i try to cover all the bases by occasionally including a mention to Ganeesh and others - you can never be too sure lol).

Anyhow, I guess my point is that I used their own reasoning to explain my actions. Being stumbled by the actions of imperfect men while retaining a personal relationship with god seems to have been an acceptable account of my actions. The odd thing is that it seems to have given my mother some peace of mind. She seems to no longer worry about my eternal oblivian at armageddon. She knows that I will stand up to any divine judgement because although i do not worship in the way she does, she sees i have not really left god.

I hope that helps, although I guess everyone is different. Perhaps figure out what approach will best touch her heart and allow you to remain close. Don't let the borg tear your family apart, there has to be a happy medium - it's just finding it that's tricky. Good luck.

sass_my_frass

Wow, I could talk about this for weeks, but here's the thing that stands out to me: why is your hubby talking to her? How can he not understand how much this hurts you, and regardless of who said what, isn't he supposed to be take your side? I don't have kids but... I don't get that he can't see how damaging your mum would be to them.

Then again, I don't know you or her, and I only know a tiny part of the story. Here's the only thing that works for me: ignoring the big elephant in the room and swallowing my righteous indignation. We're going to live longer than them, and we generally don't have to spend very much time with them. I focus on making the very short times we spend together as gentle, kind and fun as possible. It's a ridiculous dream because of the big elephant in the room, but there is no point - NO POINT - in getting the ugly conversations started because they never stop. They go for hours, days, weeks and years, and for the rest of your life. Talk about the kids, the neighbours, the job, the house, the mortgage, the redecorating, the vacation you took, your new exercise program, your dance lessons, the car, the tv shows you both like, the college the kids are talking about going to. Talk about the real stuff. She won't care, she won't be interested, she probably won't engage, but it's the only way to keep yourself in the same room as her so she doesn't start any mind games with the kids. It will also create a series of half-okay memories for your kids - they'll respect that you made an effort.

You can't change her, you can't make her respect you. You can only control the things you talk about. Don't talk about the witness stuff. Don't try to find nice ways to do it. It's a losing game.

Awakened at Gilead

My dad's not talking to me.. we had an argument after my graduation.... so I feel for you.My relationship with my mother is actually much better.

Perhaps you can try to take the initiative but don't talk about JW subjects with her.

A@G

changeling

You need to honest with yourself first. What do YOU want?

Do you not mind being alienated from your mom, perhaps indefinitely? Then speak your mind w/o regard to her feelings.

Do you want her in your life, on good terms? Then make ammends. Ask forgiveness for the way you spoke to her last (or the tone of the email). Admit that you went to far. I have a feeling she's giving you the silent treatement because her feelings are hurt. In turn, you have to forgive her for hurting your feelings. If you can smooth that over, you can then, slowly, get back on good terms with her.

Assure her that you are still the person you always were and will always love and care for her. Back your words up with action. In time, she will come to terms with your no longer being an active witness. It's all new and raw right now, but things will settle down. Tread carefully now, reap the rewards of a happy family in the future.

changeling :)

New light for you

Thank you Whitman and Sass,

Those are great ideas... i like the "i'm stumbled, i'm going to wait on jehovah" kind of answer... i could do that... i dont know how tha'ts gonna work when we have my daughters birthday for the first time ever next month though... i'd have to come up with something "nice" for that to cover over...

But i agree also that I need to be probably the "bigger person" as ALWAYS dammit. I need to start talking to her again and just never bring up the damned freakin elephant.

AHHHHHHHHHHH i hate that, but ya.

New light for you

Thanks OOMPA! and if i need anyone to kick mom's ass... i know you'll be there for me! love you!

A@G, thanks for understanding- i know you've been having a hard time with this too. it sucks damn cult.

Changling- yes, i want to be on good terms.. at least for the kids. I HATE having to do it, but i GUESS i have to apoligize for SHOWING HER THE TRUTH in probably a harsh way. Dammit. Yes, i should. I will. arrrggghh. Thanks for being such a good mom!

changeling

:)

Awakened at Gilead

I sent a letter of apology to my step-dad... didn't seem to get anywhere...

I asked for him to be tolerant of me and respect my views... and I apologized for having sceamed at him as he screamed at me... no response from him or my brother who is a self-righhteous elder now...

Damn Damn Damn Damn cult!!!!!!!!!!!!

But the good thing is that my mother told me that she feels like a half a JW now... not a whole one... she sees through the whole shunning BS...

A@G

Could you suggest a better way to word this to mom?

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