Q: What's it like to be Satan?
A: It sucks, man. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong.
Q: You sound bitter.
A: What are you? Some kind of dub, or something?
Q: Well, no. I'm an apostate.
A: You still talk like a dub.
Q: Why did you challenge God's authority in the first place?
A: I didn't. It was a set up. Adam and Eve went for 250,000 years and still didn't take the bait God set out for them, so He made the snake talk. I don't have the power to make snakes talk. They don't even have vocal chords and I'm a crappy ventriloquist.
Q. from Minimus: What kind of phone do you prefer?
All: Oh, just BUTTON UP, Minimus!
Q: Why did God trick Adam and Eve?
A: Because God was bored and Adam and Eve were stupid. It was embarrassing for God. Did you know it took them 3000 years to discover what their sex organs were for? And that just happened by accident.
Q: Why did God make Adam and Eve so stupid?
A: God's not all that bright either, you know, and He's very self-conscious about it. Have you ever seen an Emu? What kind of stupid piece-of-crap creation is THAT, anyway? Since God screwed up with man and many of the animals and He is so vain, He had to find a way to put the blame on someone else. He chose me. Did you know that my real name is "Cornell?" God didn't like me from the get-go.
Q: But why did he pick you?
A: Because I called him an idiot, that's why. God has an anger control problem and He's very vindictive in case you haven't noticed.
Q from Flipper: Do you like cherry popsicles?
Q from Minimus: Do you you FEEL about cherry popsicles?
Q from JCanon: do you like dumpsters and neo-Babylonian Chronology?
ALL: SHUT UP!
Q: So God blamed you for what he did himself?
A: That's right. I get blamed for everything bad and God gets excused and even praised for everything bad. Somebody kills somebody else. People say, "Satan made him do it." God kills entire civilizations and people say, "It's God's will. He knows best. Afterall, he LOVES you!" God sends plagues, pestilence, famine, earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, ice ages, drought and even worse, Jehovah's Witnesses, to ruin and destroy people's lives and people cut Him all sorts of slack and then blame me for it. I don't even have the power to personally kill anyone.
Q from Terry: What do you think of the anthropic principle and the metaphysical attributes expressed in the underlying mult--dimensional realm of quantum mechanics verses experiences through tropes developed and expressed using the Socratic method?
A: I think it's all a bunch of bullshit.
Q: Can you name some other examples showing why you think God's creation implies idiocy?
A: Sure. Dan Rather, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, George W. Bush, "scholar", JWs, Mormons, vegans and PETA freaks, just to name a few.
Q: You DID challenge God's authority, you know.
A: No I didn't. I'm not that stupid. I don't stand a chance against the power of God. I just called him an idiot, that's all. That was really dumb of me. I had forgotten all about his terrible bad temper when I said that.
Q: Is God going to kill you some day?
A: I doubt it. God needs a buffoon and scapegoat to deflect blame for all his screw ups, and I'm pretty experienced at that by now.
Q: What about Jesus? What does he think of you?
A: JayCee (I call him JayCee) and I have a beer from time-to-time. By the way, JayCee can't hold his liquor very well. He was drunk all the time while on earth, but JayCee wised up to this whole mess a few thousand years ago. God told him to go to earth and get killed, so he did. But God didn't tell him it HURTS to get killed. JayCee said that crown of thorns and those nails in his hands and feet HURT LIKE HELL!. He's still pissed off about that.
Q: The Bible says God is going to make a new heaven and a new earth where people won't cry or have pain anymore.
A: Yeah, but He didn't say WHEN, did he? He's been working on that project for millenia. He's screwed up all his new prototypes so far and he STILL wants to include Emus there! And viruses, too!
Q from Minimus: How do you feel about that?
Farkel
...OUTLAW