My life - a brief history. Part 2

by Galileo 31 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Casper

    Welcome Galileo,

    Enjoyed reading your story and look forward to part 3.

    Hope you get to feeling better.


  • Borgia

    keep on telling, Galleo!



  • oompa

    Galileo: I have enjoyed and related to both posts of your history. I see you as a kindred spirit. I can so relate, even having had a close friend die of lukemia when I was just 16. Here are a few more thoughts on our similarity, mine are highlighted:

    You: I knew she would be a good and caring wife, and an excellent spiritual partner. I liked her a great deal as a friend. I did not love her, at least not in the romantic sense. I had been deeply in love before, with a girl whom I had had a two year relationship with, and who I very much wanted to marry. I knew what it was like to be in love. I knew even as I proposed, as I walked down the aisle, and through the next ten years of our marriage, that I did not love her in this way. Dang, me too, how could I do that? But I really was not thinking about it during the proposal and wedding.

    Admitting disbelief would mean losing everything I cared about. Almost My family wouldn’t speak to me, my friends would abandon me, my wife would certainly stay with me unless I gave her a scriptural reason to go, but her sadness would be unbearable. Her sadness is tough, have lost most friends, but all family still talk with me. I would never be able to explain to her why I stopped believing or she would leave me on the grounds of apostasy. Apostacy is not grounds to leave, and I tried for two years explain the real thruth, and it caused many tears. So I chose to believe. I decided if I was going to do this, I might as well go all in. That thought did not occur to me.

    I was getting more and more depressed. And we sure had good reason. My wife tried to help me, but of course she couldn’t, because she had no idea what the real problem was. My wife knew, and so felt I was having menta problems which could be FIXED by lots of doctors and drugs. And how could I tell her? I already had. By this time I had been pretending to share a belief with her for over five years, a belief that was the center point of her entire reason for existence. We had shared this for 9 years. I began drinking heavily. Ditto, that was my excape vehicle. I couldn’t see any way out. Me either

    My thoughts began turning more and more towards suicide. I would lay awake at night and imagine what it would be like to hang myself. One day I was home alone and started to search online for painless methods of poisoning. So we did find a way out! But I really wanted mine to look like an accident for insurance reasons. Suddenly the realization of what I was doing hit me hard. It was like I had been shaken awake from a dream. I knew something in my life had to change and quick. I summoned all the courage I had, and when my wife got home, I told her I couldn’t do it anymore.

    Although we stayed together for two more years, our marriage ended that night. Scary man, I have been awake now for two years and we are still together. I try real hard not to talk about APOSTATE stuff anymore....oompa

  • LouBelle

    thank you for continuing your story.

    I must say I was more fortunate in that I didn't have to worry about a husband or children, it would have been far too much to bear if I had to leave them.

    How wonderful it is to breath the fresh air of knowledge.

  • Galileo

    Oompa, it's nice to know others have gone through what you've gone through. I just wanted to point out, however, that although apostasy isn't considered grounds for a "scriptural" divorce, "spiritual endangerment" is recognized as grounds for a "scriptural" separation.

  • VoidEater

    Welcome, Galileo - and looking forward to Part 3...

  • Galileo

    Sorry to everyone for the delay of part 3. The flu has knocked me down hard and it's hard to get anything done, let alone write. Also it's the hardest part to write because it's the most painful part to relive. But it will be posted soon.

  • SPAZnik
    I hate to stop on a cliffhanger, so let me put your mind at ease: I lived.


  • Aphrodite

    Thankyou, your story is compelling.

  • R.Crusoe

    The weight of suicide lies in the depth of your own belief in the religious dogma you were sold!

    If you fully believed JWs were the one truth and God would reject all those refusing to convert, you reject yourself when you leave them unless you have a substitute belief as holistic as theirs - which is why they channel their circular reasoning into every aspect of your life they are able!

    And when they convivce you about having your own childrens soul in your hands to ensure they get to paradise, it blackmails your psyche into not wishing to state less assertive beliefs as facts to them!

    And being labelled as worth than without faith if you do not provide has the male preoccupied with bringing home bread money and often for low pay due to their recommendations not to be ambitious!

    Ensuring a person works long hours for low pay means its much easier to control them since they have no choice but to keep slaving away for years.

    All their minor circular reasonings are working like cogs to keep you where you are and suicide seems the only way out.

    I wonder how many think of it daily as a way out?

    I wonder how many put on their mental suit of armour each morning to face the world of work?

    And then take it off when home and feel like dying?

    I know for many it will become a daily routine!

    And they absolve themselves of all responsibility and pile on the pressure for you to do more Bible study and sit in Bible talks which wears you down even more.

    It is a crushing religion!

    Self liberation is made as impossible as they can make it!

    The individual is up against an organosation designed to subliminally control your mind and family/friends to pressure you repeatedly.

    And how to rcover is tough because you must offload much of what most folks need to function in order to break free.

    It will break you!

    And how to find yourself and want to carry on is the golden rule I wonder about myself? After being around those who seem to accept rejection as standard life, its easy to lose faith in humanity as a whole and not feel worth being a part of it!

    The feelings can be absolute! You want so much to help loved ones but feel robbed of all your goodwill to an extent you are empty and weak and wish all those you love will let you slip away due to your inability to move forward any longer.

    You have given your everything for loved ones and unfeeling others have destroyed your goodwill!

    Who knows of a way back from this place???

Share this