can any one help

by ladylove 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  ladylove

  I can’t believe after 20 years of not being a JW that I found this site.

  if anyone is willing to read this, and has Any knowledge on the subject, I don’t want to hate my father. I am looking for biblical proof that shunning your family is ok, IF it exist. I really just want to understand.

  Brief history
  At 14 years old my father gave me the boot for smoking…. When I was 19 he called me to tell me I had a younger sister that wanted to meet me.
  20 years have pasted and now he wants a family gathering. But he won’t allow my little sister if she brings her boyfriend of 5 years.

  Dear Dad,

  I am writing you because I am angry and confused. As hard as I try, your ruling doesn’t add up.

  For the first 18 years of Kate’s life, Brian, Greg and I were denied the opportunity to have our sister as part of the family, matter of fact; we were denied Kate’s existence. Through these 18 years you passionately spoke to us about God and the bible, but taught hypocorism. And now the first ‘family’ gathering you so desperately want, you deny us again. The way I see it you are playing the Role of God, judge and Jury. Jesus himself went looking for sinners in order to teach, even the prostitute
  I recall you actively spending time with your Father, after he molested me, why did you not judge him? Did it not fit into what you wanted?
  I remember Aunt Maggie and Joe joining family gatherings (an unwed couple,)
  I would sleep at their house during the Xmas vacation, where the house was prepared for xmas. Why did you not judge them?

  With that said, I can understand your position of sharing the home to sleep, out of respect. But to oust her from being part of the family is just hurtful.

  Kate has never been taught your beliefs and how they pertain to her. But yet you Judge her instead of love her.
  If you feel the need to reject part of your blood, make it me that you reject, I am use to it.

  This is His Response

  Dear daughter,
  
  As you know Kate herself is invited. It is her boyfriend that is not. Also, Kelly, grandma and others were not invited either. I have chosen those who I feel close too and I hope feel close to me.

  I am cut deep to hear how you view me. I love you from the deepest part of my heart. I will always love you and I desire your love as well. I can not change the past and I can not deny things that have happened. I could not for see the future and had to make decisions with what limited experience and understanding I had. I am sorry for hurting you! And I am sorry for not protecting you from grandpa. I can only hope that some day you will forgive me.
  
  As you know, Kate would not come anyway. So please let us not fight or don't discuss it further.
  
  I love you Daughter, I am sorry for hurting you
  Dad

  I replied with

  “It is her boyfriend that is not”
  This is my point… what gives you the right to judge him? That would be like telling me I can’t bring one of my children on the trip...

  “As you know, Kate would not come anyway”
  Of course, that kind of insult I wouldn’t go either.
  
  “I have chosen those who I feel close too”
  How can you feel closer to one of your children and not the other?

  “I can only hope that some day you will forgive me"
  I remind myself every time I call you, that was the past. You did what you thought was right at the time. My love for you will always be. Because I disagree with you doesn’t mean I will shun you or anyone you love the only hurt I have, is that I grew up without a parent that was capable of loving me unconditionally.

  “I can not change the past and I can not deny things that have happened”
  No one can deny the wrongs they have done, but everyone can strive to make their wrongs Right!

  I respect that fact that you hold your religion so close to you, but when you talk love and show hate, it confuses everyone involved. I have never seen biblical verses that tell you to shun your children.
  Luke chapter 7- shows the teaching of a sinner who began to follow Jesus.

  The way you are teaching Kate, would only push her away from what you believe. Who would want to begin a lesson that says “don’t love anyone?”

  “I am sorry for not protecting you from grandpa”
  I do not blame you for what Grandpa did to me. I am so past that. I ask you why you did not judge his fornication.

  “So please let us not fight or don't discuss it further”
  Why are you so scared to discuss this? There is nothing wrong with telling someone you are angry. I do not want to bottle my feelings anymore. I would love a rational reason, because in my heart I feel this has nothing to do with what you believe as far as your religion. I think it has more to do with
  1. it would be uncomfortable for mom
  2. it would be uncomfortable for you to show Kate the love she deserves

  It seems like you are all over the board in you decision process, nothing adds up to what you do.
  Teach love, and forgiveness, by the way you live your life. Not by the words you use

  Like it or not,
  your Daughter
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  (1 Corinthians 5:11-13) 11 But now I am writing YOU to quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person or an idolater or a reviler or a drunkard or an extortioner, not even eating with such a man. 12 For what do I have to do with judging those outside? Do YOU not judge those inside, 13 while God judges those outside? “Remove the wicked [man] from among yourselves”

  (2 John 10-11) 10 “If anyone comes to YOU and does not bring this teaching, never receive him into YOUR homes or say a greeting to him. 11 For he that says a greeting to him is a sharer in his wicked works”.

  Their whole shunning idea is really hanging on those scriptures.

  Here's what they say at http://www.jw-media.org/beliefs/beliefsfaq.htm

  Do you shun former members?

  Those who become inactive in the congregation, perhaps even drifting away from association with fellow believers, are not shunned. In fact, special effort is made to reach out to them and rekindle their spiritual interest. If, however, someone unrepentantly practices serious sins, such as drunkenness, stealing or adultery, he will be disfellowshipped and such an individual is avoided by former fellow-worshipers. Every effort is made to help wrongdoers. But if they are unrepentant, the congregation needs to be protected from their influence. The Bible clearly states: 'Remove the wicked man from among yourselves.' (1 Corinthians 5:13) Those who formally say they do not want to be part of the organization any more are also avoided. What of a man who is disfellowshipped but whose wife and children are still Jehovah's Witnesses? The spiritual ties he had with his family change, but blood ties remain. The marriage relationship and normal family affections and dealings can continue. As for disfellowshipped relatives not living in the same household, Jehovah's Witnesses apply the Bible's counsel: "Quit mixing with them." (1 Corinthians 5:11) Disfellowshipped individuals may continue to attend religious services and, if they wish, they may receive spiritual counsel from the elders with a view to their being restored. They are always welcome to return to the faith if they reject the improper course of conduct for which they were disfellowshipped.
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  JWdaughter

  Kate, there is a lot to the story that we don't know, but I can see a lot of pain and confusion over his hypocrisy. That he kept his one child from the others and now is excluding her further has got to be hard for her. And whatever it has done to your mom must be harsh. I can give him one on the boyfriend, but in view of the choices he has seemingly made, it certainly does seem hypocritical of him.
  
  I don't know how we can help, you made a reasoned and loving approach to him on this. I think the only thing you can possibly do is love your siblings and your mom as well as him--as he seems to be conflicted about how to show his love. He is really conflicted, and doesn't even seem to understand. Maybe all you can really do with him is to pity him. He has hurt all of you, in multiple ways, continues to do so and doesn't even get it.
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  ladylove

  on the way out,

  those scriptures stated were helpful but as I read them , I belive they taken out of context:

  (1 Corinthians 5:11-13) 11 But now I am writing YOU to quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother (Kate has never been to a meeting)that is a fornicator or a greedy person or an idolater or a reviler or a drunkard or an extortioner, not even eating with such a man. 12 For what do I have to do with judging those outside? Do YOU not judge those inside, 13 while God judges those outside? “Remove the wicked [man] from among yourselves” (who added 'man' to this statement? I believe this is refering to remove your wickedness inside yourself)

  I guess you have shown me what I was asking for. But truely believe it is taken out of context.

  thanks
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  on the way out,

  those scriptures stated were helpful but as I read them , I belive they taken out of context:

  You are preaching to the choir here. Ladylove, you are correct.
• 

  horrible life

  Ladylove, I have my own letter writing to do. I write it in my head, every day.

  The only suggestion I have, is for you kids, to gather together yourselves. It sounds like you all have healing to do. You can add your father into the mix after.

  My siblings and I all hate each other. I also have a much younger sister. My parents have played favorites all of my life. What little attention, they could garner for their children, was given to their favorites, and then added foster children. I would like to be able to write a letter like yours, but I don't have the mental strength to mess with it right now, but I am older than you are. I am glad that you can do it now.

  I wish you the best, and please stay, learn, and tell us how it turns out. I may need your advice, soon.
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  kwr

  I look at Paul's writing as his personal opinion and doesn't mean we have to follow what he says. The bible can be used as a guidebook and not as a law book since we are under the grace of Christ.
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  worldtraveller

  Welcome to the forum Ladylove.

  I saw sincerity in the letter to you. I also read genuine remourse. I would take the olive branch and bury the past.

  I say that because my parental units were messed up and stayed that way 'till their death. This seems a good opportunity to make peace.
• 

  Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit

  Hi dear, thank you so much for sharing your life's experience, we're all going down that road with our families in one way or another. Your reasoning is spot-on and completely scriptural and level-headed.

  KWR made a great point which I recently told my dad, almost word for word: Paul was speaking his opinion, and when he did this he was usually wrong. It was Paul who was 'rebuked before them all' for not associating with certain ones by Peter, my dad told me this to explain how the GB can be wrong, but when I turned that around to make the point that KWR did and the fact that Paul was showing racism and practicing shunning, I was in the wrong.

  When I said that yes, those scriptures counsel Christians against close association with certain types of people, but they are 2 verses taken out of the whole LOVE LOVE LOVE context of the Bible, just like we were taught that God has 4 main attributes, if he lacked one of them like LOVE, we'd be dead, per the WT. If He only had justice and power, we'd be toast, so if JWs only practice the shunning of family members because it's just and wise in their eyes and abstain from the LOVE. . .you get the point, I was wrong again.

  Then I read the WT and KM articles my dad sent me and I looked up every scripture and read the context of each, and there's no way I would have come to the same conclusion he did without the 'Faithful Slave' telling me to hate my family, hence it's a cult. There's no winning with people who are under control of this mind numbing cult.

  Bless you girl.
• 

  rimfiredancing

  I am always really, really curious when people advocate accepting 'olive branches' from people who are *still running abusive and manipulative patterns*. To do so simply enourages them to continue with these selfsame abusive and manipulative patterns.
  
  WHY do we encourage this? Because we have been so deeply programmed to accept abuse, being told it's the 'christian' or 'humane' thing to do?
  
  Bizarre. Abusive, psychologically/emotionally damaging behaviour is no less harmful even if the person 'has their reasons'. They're welcome to their reasons, it's just that the rest of the world doesn't have ANY obligation whatsoever to cut them one iota of slack IF THEIR BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS ARE ABUSIVE. Islam has some revolting practices- do these not deserve the same refusal of acceptance? Judaism does too, so does some forms of Buddhism, democracy, politics, schooling and pretty much any form of 'structured' organisation. Where do we draw the line?
  
  Zero tolerance for abuse. Just because someone has the claim to physical parentage does not make them good to be around. Find people who WILL love and accept you without requiring you to hock parts of your spirit for the experience. Abuse in any of its forms will never end until the people involved stop tolerating it in any form whatsoever.