"A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY"

Bourne

Since coming to the realization that the JW religion does NOT hold all the answers, let alone most, the above statement describes me to a "T". I'm separated from my wife, an almost certain divorce is on the horizon, and because of now being "Inactive", with the exception of my family, I have seemingly lost what friends I had.

I can't bring myself to fully embrace "worldly" thinking about many things, yet, as long as I am not an "active" member of the collective, I have no chance of making friends. In an earlier post, someone asked me the pointed question, "What do YOU want?" After pondering that question for a moment, the thought occured to me: Throughout my WHOLE life raised in this religion, I was never allowed (or at least encouraged) to ask myself this.

So, I now find myself, wanting to have a "normal" life, to be able to love again, yet, as long as I "sit on the fence" as it were, I will remain in this self-imposed pergatory. As far as a love life is concerned, I have come to a present-conclusion that I would feel most comfortable with someone like ME: sounds cliche' I know but......a "nominal" JW at best, but most likely an inactive one that still feels spiritual but does'nt feel the need to partake of any organized religion.

Is there a way to have my cake and eat it too? Or MUST I make the hard choice and become......(drumroll)......."WORLDLY!".....echo......echo......

I welcome any thoughts or insight on this quandry of mine.

Bourne

Anti-Christ

Hi there. I don't think there is such a thing as "worldly" you are who you are, nobody can deny who they are, can a fish refuse to swim? If we fight what we are we end up with emotional problems or worst. I suggest you consider your self as being "reborn". It's a all new world out there and don't let the JW's programed fear control you and prevent you from discovering your full potential and the betiful people that are "out there".

sweetstuff

You need to change your mindset Bourne, "worldly" is a label the JWs use to add to the air of exclusivity they believe they are entitled to as god's "chosen people". Do you see anything wrong with that? You have stopped attending meetings and going in service, you have come to realize that what they teach is false, but yet you imprison yourself in a half-life by not actively working on throwing off the brainwashing and mind control they still have embedded deep within you. Not something done easily, but something you need to do, if you ever want to achieve an even remotely "normal" life.

If I were you I would start asking yourself, what makes someone "worldly"? Not being religious? You said yourself that you want to find someone who does not feel the need to be part of an organized religion, right? What are you willing to offer that person? Have you asked yourself that? I can't speak for everyone, but for myself, one thing I would not want is someone who has left the JWs physically, but not mentally. Someone who still carrys the mindset of a JW, that holidays are wrong, that voting is wrong, etc.

Are JWs better than what they label as "worldly"? The amount of horror stories alone regarding pedophilia within the ranks, hypocrisy, unloving dealings with people who have "sinned" should alone make you answer a resounding "no", but only if you look at things objectively, and logically.

I would suggest that before you get involved in a romantic relationship, you first figure out what you really believe, who you really are, make friendships, with non witnesses and experience what these "worldly" people are all about. Until you are completely comfortable with who you are and what you truly want, you aren't in a position to bring someone else into your world romantically, IMO.

Bourne

Anti-Christ & sweetstuff: You are both dead-on in your respective points. Something I should clerify, though, is the fact of my entire family still being "in". Thankfully, they are not the hard-core type & I have had many good discussions with them individually that has brought me some comfort in knowing that, down the road, I don't think that I would lose them, regardless of what I choose. However, this has been a large part of my indecision. I know, it's pretty sad to allow this to hold me back, but they are a great family and I would hate to lose them. That said, It's MY life and I MUST do what is right for me. (Sounds like a Billy Joel song, doesnt it?)

Bourne

R.Crusoe

This is a tricky one B! But one faced by many! You may feel Crusoefied at times even though it is said, 'No man is an island!' And professionals give you all this garbage about learning your alphabet before you can speak. You are your own person and will have to do things. You will find it like a search in the dark at times if not all the time. Going to a club, or a gym or a hobby or whatever will be an almost counterproductive experience because what ever you do is absent of close persons whom the rest of your generation have as a given in their daily lives. You seek community and partnership but all are in a different place than yourself. I holdout no answers for I do not have any! Try rising from the dead in a few days!

rogerdodger

What happens during the divorce may push you off the fence. In my case it was one of the final factors in my decision to not care about JW rules any longer, which finally led to my DF. Is your 'soon to be ex' a JW? The elders get really shitty when it comes to divorce. They'll want to know all details and if someone has been unfaithful so they can DF, er, uh, 'help' them. I don't think they really care who they DF, it's whoever is easiest. Remember, you must be scripturally free to begin dating another JW, and the process of determining who is free sounds simple in the publications, but gets mucked up by the elders. I waited 1 year before they finally DF'd my ex(even though I had mounds of evidence to prove guilt), but by that time I had finally come to the full realization that I didn't want to be a JW any more. I was DF a year later, because I knew I could not let men ru(i)n my life any longer.

My situation was fairly similar to yours minus the great family part. So, in reality, yes, no family and no friends, but you have to do what you think is right, for yourself. I felt a huge weight was lifted once my DF was announced. I am a very guarded person so I don't really have any good new friends yet, but I'm being more social at my job and I know I just need to get out there. There is a new freedom you will feel and it is wonderful. It's still depressing at times, especially at this time of year. I have never celebrated holidays, but just seeing and know families are together (happy or sad) reminds me of what I don't have. But the holidays will soon pass and it still feels better than what I felt being in the org.

Don't put too much confidence in the org. They say there is all this 'help' but there really isn't.. It's every man for himself. Keep that in mind with your decision. I've been there before and you have my empathy.

\RD

R.Crusoe

Thank you RD!

sweetstuff

Btw, just wanted to add, it is possible to make new friendships. I moved to another province where I knew only two people. Period. I had left my husband, lost all my so called "witness friends". I managed to find four very good friends, who I have been friends with now a few years, truer friends than any of my so-called witness friends ever were. It takes time, yes, but it's not impossible unless you tell yourself it is. Door will open, just make sure you don't shut them yourself.

Bourne

R.Crusoe & rogerdodger:

Thank you for the thoughts. Believe me, I can use all the encouragement I can get right now.

I agree with the statement that the Org can't be trusted, what with all the current doctrinal upheavals and such. I've had my full share of Elders trying to help in their various capacities towards my marriage. Alot are sincere but sadly, misguided. But I have come to understand the sheer intoxication that thinking you have all the answers to life's questions can have on a person. But marriage is a sacred arrangement between TWO people with god or whomever as a witness. God had no intention of it being a trinitarian arrangement as the JW elders would have us believe.

God gave us a brain and a conscience, and to allow MEN, perfect strangers, and outsiders to enter into your marriage is intrusive and an adulterous invasion. If you allow that to happen you have not only them but yourself to blame. And I myself have shared in that blame, to my regret. But, no more.

I'll get through this and will be a stronger person because of it. I wish it had not happened, but all I can do is look to the future with optimism and hope. Time will take care of the rest.

Bourne

..and you too, sweetstuff.

"A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY"

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