Hi all, I am new, found a JW

by -Tank 46 Replies latest social relationships

-Tank

Hello all. I am new here and this site has helped me alot as a
guest, viewing stories and what not. My story is a classic one,
but I need to vent, and I need the opinions and thoughts of those
who have shared my experience or something similar. This is my
story. Forgive me if the story is somewhat excentric.
About 3 and a half years ago, my best friend for many many years,
introduced me to a friend of his that lived out of province. I
guess they went to the same cabin as kids and were friends, and had not talked for a long time. One day he tells me, yea, she is
coming here to visit me and to hang out. So this girl comes, I
meet her, and we all go out and have fun it was a great time, and
then she goes back home. We started to talk alot online and a
little bit on the phone. One day I said, jokingly, got any
girlfriends that are single? Well it turns out, she was a little
ticked at her friend at the time for something and thought it
would be a good idea to give her JW friend my e-mail, as a joke.
Well as fate would have it, this woman actually decided to talk to
me. At first I was like, wow, this is weird, but whatever. As time
went on, we talked more, and more...and more....and more, and
eventually, you guessed it, fell in love! There were many
complications of course, we live about 320 miles apart, a good 5
hour drive, her being a JW, and me not being one, things such as
this.
So one time after about a year, I said to myself, I have to
go see this woman, I have to meet her and finally look into the
eyes of the woman I love. I was still in school at the time, but
it was a friday, so I skipped out of classes early, packed my
stuff into my old car, and headed down the road. The friend of my
best friend was kind enough to let me stay at her house for 2
nights, showing me gracious hospitality I much appreciated, since
it allowed me to meet the love of my life. I showed up friday
evening, I walked into the door, and there she was, the most
beautiful woman I had ever seen in my entire life. She walked over
and gave me the tightest, strongest, most meaningful hug I ever
had in my entire life, I still remember it like it was yesterday.
I stayed the weekend and we all went out, went for dinner, watched
movies, it was a good time, I was not in the best mood because of
family issues back home, so she and her friends did not get to see
the fun me, but I did not worry to much about it. I went back home
after the weekend and 2 weeks later she informed me that she could
not "do this" anymore. She could not keep me a secret from her
family, the elders, that what she was doing was wrong and it hurt
to much to be apart and the religious differences. I can't
describe that feeling, needless to say, I was feeling more hurt at
that moment, then ever before in my life.
About I think, 6 months later, I received an e-mail from her
saying she was sorry for everything that happened. She said she
still had feelings, that she never let me go, never forgot about
me. I honestly still felt just as strong about her as before, and
so, we started again. I did anything to talk to her or see her. I
payed $400 long distance phone bills on my cell because the joy of
talking to her brightened my day. I drove long distances for short
times just to see her, you will find this out soon in the story.
Anyways. We talked again for a long time and she started to
progress towards me studying, and I became interested. I started
to read the bible, and liked some of what I saw, but I had heard
about ideas of it being a "cult" and such. So nonetheless, I went
back to visit her again.
I borrowed my parents SUV and away I
went. I left Saturday, at 2:00 in the afternoon, and was there by
7:00. We went out for a few drinks, me and another friend of hers,
went and watched some movies, it was a good time and I was tired
from driving a long way, but just happy to be with her, to walk
down the street hand in hand. We stayed up until 3 AM and then I
went to sleep. I woke up at 8:00 in the morning, woke her up, and
we cuddled and talked of our love for another hour or a little
more, and I was off and running for the 5 hour trek back home.
Once again, about 2 weeks after, I was struck again with the "I
can't do this" it is to hard, you are not a witness, I need a
witness in my life. So if once is not bad enough, you would think
it would hurt less, but no, it hurt me more. So some time goes by
once again (sorry if my time lengths are wrong, I am bad with such
things) and she txts me one night when I am out after work, to
call her. So I call her and she tells me that she did something
horribly wrong. She went out with a couple of friends and had a
couple of drinks and they got to her faster then she thought and
started to flirt with one of her witness friends and he thought
she meant it, so on and so forth, big to do. Nonetheless, she
started crying and told me, I still have feelings for you, when I
was out with that guy, I pictured you, I saw you, I heard you.
When I was holding his hand, I just wanted it to be yours so bad.
I still love you. So me, of course, still loving this woman, we
started....AGAIN!
This time around was so much better, we were
older and out of high school now, and it just seemed so much more
real, that we had grown up, and things were happening for us. We
talked on the phone everyday or every other day. We could talk for
HOURS, and never have empty space in the conversation, we never
ran out of stuff to talk about, it was incredible. So quite a bit
of time goes by and we both really want to see each other, so I
promised I would make it happen. One weekend, I got my chance, no
plans, had the money to spare, so filled the car up with gas and
away I went. I think this time really showed my dedication. I left saturday morning at 7:45 AM, I was there by 1 PM, I picked her up from work, and we went to the mall, to supper, to the movies, we cruised around a bit, it was a good time and I finally got her to allow herself to see me without a shaparone (a major annoyance I must say, but I respected it other times because as long as I was with her, I was happy) Nonetheless, it was great. I then took her home, I hugged her as tight as I could for a couple minutes, I kissed her and said, I will come back, I promise, and away I went. I then traveled all the way back to my hometown, 5 hours away. I drove 10 hours that day, to see her for 11. I drove 640 miles...in one day, just to be with her, for an afternoon and an evening, and you know what....I would do it again in a heartbeat.
But of course, once, AGAIN, she says "I can't do this anymore" alot was said but she said, I do not want to hurt you, please believe I do love you, without a doubt, please no not doubt my love for you, that is pure. She also said that she wants to be with me too, but everything hinges on me being a witness or not, and that all the signs point to no. She said she cannot go through this again, it hurts us both to much. That was 3 months ago. The night that phone call happened, I said to her, I am scared to hang up the phone, because I am afraid I will never talk to you again....so far, I haven't.
Now, I have been telling myself, think the worst, that way if nothing ever comes of it, you won't be hurt so bad, and if something does happen, hey, all the more better. Do I have any chance of hope left? Should I still be hoping we can somehow exist in happiness? I never tried to discourage her from her religion, I never tried to pull her away, I told her I would read the bible with her, I would help her study, but I could not become a JW, I guess this was not good enough.
I am a Professional Long Haul Trucker for a living, and I love what I do, but it is very lonely, and she runs through my mind everyday. Everyday the thoughts, feelings for her, are just as strong as when I was standing right next to her. I tried going out with other woman, but I see her face on them, I hear her voice from them...I only think of her. I told myself 7 months ago, this woman is the woman I truly do love, I have, NO DOUBT, that I do, and that she is the one I want to spend my life with. I told myself either I was going to make a life with her, or I was going to truck my life away, and so far, the truck is winning me over. I am a workaholic, fun is no longer a part of me. I just do what I do, and I think of her.
Is there any hope, or am I just hopeless and need to give my head a good shake? I am still waiting, and will probably wait for her for the rest of my life.
Wow that was long, sorry all, I just needed to vent, been through alot of hurt with this, but also, the most joy I have ever known.
erynw

Here's some paragraphs to help my old eyes.
Hello all. I am new here and this site has helped me alot as a guest, viewing stories and what not. My story is a classic one, but I need to vent, and I need the opinions and thoughts of those who have shared my experience or something similar. This is my story. Forgive me if the story is somewhat excentric. About 3 and a half years ago, my best friend for many many years, introduced me to a friend of his that lived out of province. I guess they went to the same cabin as kids and were friends, and had not talked for a long time. One day he tells me, yea, she is coming here to visit me and to hang out. So this girl comes, I meet her, and we all go out and have fun it was a great time, and then she goes back home. We started to talk alot online and a little bit on the phone. One day I said, jokingly, got any girlfriends that are single? Well it turns out, she was a little ticked at her friend at the time for something and thought it would be a good idea to give her JW friend my e-mail, as a joke. Well as fate would have it, this woman actually decided to talk to me. At first I was like, wow, this is weird, but whatever. As time went on, we talked more, and more...and more....and more, and eventually, you guessed it, fell in love! There were many complications of course, we live about 320 miles apart, a good 5 hour drive, her being a JW, and me not being one, things such as this. So one time after about a year, I said to myself, I have to go see this woman, I have to meet her and finally look into the eyes of the woman I love. I was still in school at the time, but it was a friday, so I skipped out of classes early, packed my stuff into my old car, and headed down the road. The friend of my best friend was kind enough to let me stay at her house for 2 nights, showing me gracious hospitality I much appreciated, since it allowed me to meet the love of my life. I showed up friday evening, I walked into the door, and there she was, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my entire life. She walked over and gave me the tightest, strongest, most meaningful hug I ever had in my entire life, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I stayed the weekend and we all went out, went for dinner, watched movies, it was a good time, I was not in the best mood because of family issues back home, so she and her friends did not get to see the fun me, but I did not worry to much about it. I went back home after the weekend and 2 weeks later she informed me that she could not "do this" anymore. She could not keep me a secret from her family, the elders, that what she was doing was wrong and it hurt to much to be apart and the religious differences. I can't describe that feeling, needless to say, I was feeling more hurt at that moment, then ever before in my life. About I think, 6 months later, I received an e-mail from her saying she was sorry for everything that happened. She said she still had feelings, that she never let me go, never forgot about me. I honestly still felt just as strong about her as before, and so, we started again. I did anything to talk to her or see her. I payed $400 long distance phone bills on my cell because the joy of talking to her brightened my day. I drove long distances for short times just to see her, you will find this out soon in the story. Anyways. We talked again for a long time and she started to progress towards me studying, and I became interested. I started to read the bible, and liked some of what I saw, but I had heard about ideas of it being a "cult" and such. So nonetheless, I went back to visit her again. I borrowed my parents SUV and away I went. I left Saturday, at 2:00 in the afternoon, and was there by 7:00. We went out for a few drinks, me and another friend of hers, went and watched some movies, it was a good time and I was tired from driving a long way, but just happy to be with her, to walk down the street hand in hand. We stayed up until 3 AM and then I went to sleep. I woke up at 8:00 in the morning, woke her up, and we cuddled and talked of our love for another hour or a little more, and I was off and running for the 5 hour trek back home. Once again, about 2 weeks after, I was struck again with the "I can't do this" it is to hard, you are not a witness, I need a witness in my life. So if once is not bad enough, you would think it would hurt less, but no, it hurt me more. So some time goes by once again (sorry if my time lengths are wrong, I am bad with such things) and she txts me one night when I am out after work, to call her. So I call her and she tells me that she did something horribly wrong. She went out with a couple of friends and had a couple of drinks and they got to her faster then she thought and started to flirt with one of her witness friends and he thought she meant it, so on and so forth, big to do. Nonetheless, she started crying and told me, I still have feelings for you, when I was out with that guy, I pictured you, I saw you, I heard you. When I was holding his hand, I just wanted it to be yours so bad. I still love you. So me, of course, still loving this woman, we started....AGAIN! This time around was so much better, we were older and out of high school now, and it just seemed so much more real, that we had grown up, and things were happening for us. We talked on the phone everyday or every other day. We could talk for HOURS, and never have empty space in the conversation, we never ran out of stuff to talk about, it was incredible. So quite a bit of time goes by and we both really want to see each other, so I promised I would make it happen. One weekend, I got my chance, no plans, had the money to spare, so filled the car up with gas and away I went. I think this time really showed my dedication. I left saturday morning at 7:45 AM, I was there by 1 PM, I picked her up from work, and we went to the mall, to supper, to the movies, we cruised around a bit, it was a good time and I finally got her to allow herself to see me without a shaparone (a major annoyance I must say, but I respected it other times because as long as I was with her, I was happy) Nonetheless, it was great. I then took her home, I hugged her as tight as I could for a couple minutes, I kissed her and said, I will come back, I promise, and away I went. I then traveled all the way back to my hometown, 5 hours away. I drove 10 hours that day, to see her for 11. I drove 640 miles...in one day, just to be with her, for an afternoon and an evening, and you know what....I would do it again in a heartbeat. But of course, once, AGAIN, she says "I can't do this anymore" alot was said but she said, I do not want to hurt you, please believe I do love you, without a doubt, please no not doubt my love for you, that is pure. She also said that she wants to be with me too, but everything hinges on me being a witness or not, and that all the signs point to no. She said she cannot go through this again, it hurts us both to much. That was 3 months ago. The night that phone call happened, I said to her, I am scared to hang up the phone, because I am afraid I will never talk to you again....so far, I haven't. Now, I have been telling myself, think the worst, that way if nothing ever comes of it, you won't be hurt so bad, and if something does happen, hey, all the more better. Do I have any chance of hope left? Should I still be hoping we can somehow exist in happiness? I never tried to discourage her from her religion, I never tried to pull her away, I told her I would read the bible with her, I would help her study, but I could not become a JW, I guess this was not good enough. I am a Professional Long Haul Trucker for a living, and I love what I do, but it is very lonely, and she runs through my mind everyday. Everyday the thoughts, feelings for her, are just as strong as when I was standing right next to her. I tried going out with other woman, but I see her face on them, I hear her voice from them...I only think of her. I told myself 7 months ago, this woman is the woman I truly do love, I have, NO DOUBT, that I do, and that she is the one I want to spend my life with. I told myself either I was going to make a life with her, or I was going to truck my life away, and so far, the truck is winning me over. I am a workaholic, fun is no longer a part of me. I just do what I do, and I think of her. Is there any hope, or am I just hopeless and need to give my head a good shake? I am still waiting, and will probably wait for her for the rest of my life. Wow that was long, sorry all, I just needed to vent, been through alot of hurt with this, but also, the most joy I have ever known.
AlmostAtheist

>But of course, once, AGAIN, she says "I can't do this anymore" alot was said but she said, I do not want to hurt you, please believe I do love you, without a doubt, please no not doubt my love for you, that is pure. She also said that she wants to be with me too, but everything hinges on me being a witness or not, and that all the signs point to no. She said she cannot go through this again, it hurts us both to much.
Her God is on one side, and you're on the other. You can't win.
I'm sorry, my friend, but it's time for you to move on. At best, you'll have these on-again/off-again periods with her. She'll weaken and allow herself to be close to you, then she'll go back to "I can't do this anymore". The religion of a JW is so important, so demanding, they can't be partially in and partially out. It just doesn't work that way.
I hope you don't think I'm minimizing your situation. I'm not. I'm sorry you're hurting, and I'm sorry *she's* hurting. But it's not going to change unless she stops being a JW. And you don't want to live your life waiting for someone to leave a cult. It just doesn't happen often enough to bet on it.
Dave
veronica_mars

I really feel for you... loving someone like that... as good as the "highs" are, the "lows" are worse.
I think after 3 times her saying she isn't ready is an indicator. It sounds like she is really "into" going to meetings, being a witness and trying to "do what is right in the eyes of Jehovah"... and if you don't want to get baptized, no amount of studying or reading the bible with her will make that go away.
Please don't think I am saying you are wrong for not wanting to get baptized, in fact- quite the opposite, but you need to know that if you can't commit to the "truth" the way witnesses expect, you are fighting a loss cause.
I wish you all the best. I think it's best to grieve the loss of the relationship now. I am sure you will find some other non-JW girl that you can picture as you are driving those long hauls. :)
Good luck.
justhuman

It is hard to have an affair with a JW
happehanna

Sorry, but you are in a no win situation and neither is she. She cannot help herself and I am sure she does not want to hurt you, but she will and does!
I wish you well but you will not find any true happiness with a woman who is a JW
jgnat

Part of the problem is that the solution hinges on her.
The way you talk about her, I wonder if you are one of those guys who finds his one true love and no-one else will do. I'll tell you such a story in just a minute, but first I am going to hit you with your choices.
1. Live like a monk. If she doesn't come to you, you will live a lonely life.
2. Have short, meaningless affairs. You will satisfy some urges and leave a pile of broken hearts in your wake.
3. Find a great, decent woman and give her your second-best love. Have a decent life with that first love tucked away in a private place in your heart.
Now for the story.
A friend of mine has a peculiar handicap that isolates her from most of society. This right away limited her choice of partners. When she was in her early teens, she fell deeply in love with a man who was ten years her senior. Her parents, justifiably worried about the inequities in the relationship, convinced her to break it off. She and he both married someone else. She definitely picked a "second-best" partner. Now, her new husband wasn't the most sensitive of men, and they had a fairly rocky marriage. There were long periods of loneliness for both, as one or the other worked shift work. I wonder, also, if their marriage was marred from the start, as she privately compared this man to her one true love.But they did manage to raise two sons together. Fast forward, the boys are young adults, she hooks up with her first love. He's in the process of divorcing his wife. They have an affair. When it all explodes, her first marriage and his first marriage are over, and the two finally are together after twenty years apart.
Now it is five years past that. I notice the stars are gone from her eyes. She just looks tired. I suspect that her first love blossomed in to a full human being with the ability to fail and neglect, just like the first husband.
Not the most fairy-tale ending, I know.
I think there are just some people on this planet who can't or won't move past their first love. I think you might be one of those people. Choose carefully how you move on with your life now, so that you don't hurt too many people.
tall penguin

First loves tend to have a quality of illusion to them as jgnat's story illustrates. You are seeing this woman through the eyes of inexperience. What you feel is love is new and exciting, but may not be enough to build anything solid on. Add that to the fact that she's a jw and you have a sure-fire recipe for hurt and disaster.

Heal your heart. Move on. Love another. And recognize that the ideal of this woman you hold in your mind likely isn't real. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.

tall penguin
NewLight2

Unless she leaves the JW religion, it is a lost cause. DO NOT convert just to be with her, it will never work out. That being said, now here is my advice: Invite her to read this board and other sites exposing the *truth about 'the truth'*. If she does stay here at JWD without running like a scared rabbit - you may have a slight chance with her, but still don't count on it. To leave her religion behind, she will also have to leave her family behind. And THAT is where the problem comes. She will be shunned for life by all her family and friends that she now has. Your marriage to her would stand a better chance if she moved to your city to live rather than you moving to hers. She may be able to do a 'slow leaving' and still have her family if she is far, far away from them and they cannot see 'the bad things that she is doing'. But remember, THIS is only if in her heart of hearts she considers herself no longer to be a JW. Stick around this board and read of the heart-breaking stories that are recorded in this section of JWD. It will help you to make your own decision about your future with this girl. You might also want to check out these web pages:

Jehovah's Witnesses: A Critical Analysis

A Bible Study Outline

These two contain many links to important information regarding the Watchtower Society.

NewLight2's Links Page

Johannes Greber's Home Page

Here is one that deals with Mind Control and Cults
Mind Control - The BITE Model
-Tank

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate all of them!
I guess you could say I am the type being that, she is the one I want, and nobody else, however, I am not the type to stay that way forever.
I think all I can do is keep the good memories in my heart and in my mind, and move forward with life. For the past 3 months this has effected me working, sleeping, going out with friends, anything, and I cannot let it anymore. I need to wake up and smell the coffee.
She attends meetings regularly every week, goes out in service, her best friend of countless years started to study last year, but gave it up this year, for a man she fell in love with, who was not a JW. When she told her, I am not studying anymore, she lost it, and has not talked to that woman since....best friends for years, been through thick and thin, but she let that go because she stopped studying, I guess that should be a sign. When things were good, things were great, and she was the one who gave it up, not me, so I just have to tell myself that. She was born and raised a JW, and she will more then likely be one until her last days.
I thought many times about converting over for her, but I knew when it came time to prove my loyalty to the Jehovah, I would not have the same love or effection for the religion as she does.
It is a bit funny though. When she came back to me, those were the times she couldnt get to her meetings for a couple of weeks because of no transportation, work, what have you. So whenever she stopped going, we would have a great time together and she seemed somewhat happier. Once she started to attend, they told her what she was doing is wrong.
She told her mom about me, and said, we have all the qualities of a good, lasting relationship, we can talk for hours, we have fun together, etc etc. Her mom said "is he a witness?" she replied "no, he isnt" her mom said "then he is not the one for you, you have to find someone who loves the truth" well, I guess I am a complete jerk then. I go out of my way to help people all the time, not tooting my own horn, but I think I am a pretty nice and decent guy. I do not smoke, do drugs, drink, nothing, I am a honest hard working man, but, I am not good enough for her, becuase of something I am not. Everything I did for her, to try and show her what I would do for her...oh wells I guess. This has given me enough insight into what love really is, that I am just about as bitter of a man you will ever meet now.
Well that's fine. If she finds someone she loves, who is a JW, then I guess, all the power to her. But if she marries someone she "kind of loves" BUT is a JW, instead of me who she says she loves with no doubt, and wants to marry me, but can't, because I am not a JW, then I guess she is lieing to herself, and to her heart.

Hi all, I am new, found a JW

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