I have to get feeing better soon. I don't mind some ups and downs, but staying low for days at a time just ain't right. Somebody here was talking about snow the other day and how the elders would almost never cancel the meeting. Myself on the other hand, was privileged to be in a hall where we would cancel the meeting if even the forecast was flurries and it was still 46 degrees outside! We were famous for being the only hall to cancel a meeting for 150 miles in any direction. Life was good.
Now what I mean is that my whole life, when meetings were canceled, I was ecstatic! Now, I don't go to any meetings, but I'm bummed more(maybe cause the family still goes). I mean, I am glad I don't feel like I have to go, and I like the extra time, but something is just not right. The same with field service. Always hated it....loved to get out of it....have not been in well over a year....but something is just not right. by the way I am nver goin agn!
I know many here say the best way "get back" or such is to "lead a happy life." Well I'm not getting back very well. I think my true awakening came at a time when I was due for the famous "mid-life crisis." Many here have said I am still in a transition phase. When I found out the truth...I yacked my lips off about it...pretty damn excitedly....but nobody really bought it. I'm bummed now, wife is in bed, I cant sleep, and we watched NBC news together tonight. She caught it first as I was on e-bay...I knew right away what it was all about...she had no response. I brought out more info.....my surprise that there would even be laws saying churches had to report these crimes. no response. I e-mailed my elder/dad the link and more comments, plus tivod it for him. I would bet my ass that he will say it has been handled and like the WT response says, it is really minimal. It even seemed minimal when I first read it. We know there is so much more creeping around behind their response, and all the underlying basic problems, but who is going to see that I don't know.
If you are still reading this, I am really surprised, but I have been pleasantly surprised by many here at JWD. But this next thing is a "real life leaving JW moment." When I first really, really, really knew my fears were confirmed and I had been lied to my entire life, I wept hard, and told the CO I was going to have to leave my wife and son and move away....I mean instantly right there in the library. I need to do a thread or find some on what it was like when you first really, really knew...was it all at once....gradual...building up to a climax? The last one was mine. Question-study-question-study-question.....AHA! I feel so conflicted right now. I think I could be happy, but not if ALL my family, wife, and friends are in this WE DONT WANT TO HEAR YOUR TRUTHS YOU THINK YOU HAVE FOUND, LEAVE US ALONE AND LET US HAVE OUR TRUTH (illusion).
Somehow that first gut feeling is still inside. I am not suicidal, but have really wanted to just walk away and I think that is because I know a fresh start is probably going to be a much less painfulforme process than trying to make this work in my current environment. Yes I feel almost like a freak around ALL my old dubbuds. I know...no big changes for awhile....but that gut feeling is just not going away.......oompa