funny thing about being sad...especially now of all times w/ snow & NBC

by oompa 29 Replies latest jw friends

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  oompa

  I have to get feeing better soon. I don't mind some ups and downs, but staying low for days at a time just ain't right. Somebody here was talking about snow the other day and how the elders would almost never cancel the meeting. Myself on the other hand, was privileged to be in a hall where we would cancel the meeting if even the forecast was flurries and it was still 46 degrees outside! We were famous for being the only hall to cancel a meeting for 150 miles in any direction. Life was good.

  Now what I mean is that my whole life, when meetings were canceled, I was ecstatic! Now, I don't go to any meetings, but I'm bummed more(maybe cause the family still goes). I mean, I am glad I don't feel like I have to go, and I like the extra time, but something is just not right. The same with field service. Always hated it....loved to get out of it....have not been in well over a year....but something is just not right. by the way I am nver goin agn!

  I know many here say the best way "get back" or such is to "lead a happy life." Well I'm not getting back very well. I think my true awakening came at a time when I was due for the famous "mid-life crisis." Many here have said I am still in a transition phase. When I found out the truth...I yacked my lips off about it...pretty damn excitedly....but nobody really bought it. I'm bummed now, wife is in bed, I cant sleep, and we watched NBC news together tonight. She caught it first as I was on e-bay...I knew right away what it was all about...she had no response. I brought out more info.....my surprise that there would even be laws saying churches had to report these crimes. no response. I e-mailed my elder/dad the link and more comments, plus tivod it for him. I would bet my ass that he will say it has been handled and like the WT response says, it is really minimal. It even seemed minimal when I first read it. We know there is so much more creeping around behind their response, and all the underlying basic problems, but who is going to see that I don't know.

  If you are still reading this, I am really surprised, but I have been pleasantly surprised by many here at JWD. But this next thing is a "real life leaving JW moment." When I first really, really, really knew my fears were confirmed and I had been lied to my entire life, I wept hard, and told the CO I was going to have to leave my wife and son and move away....I mean instantly right there in the library. I need to do a thread or find some on what it was like when you first really, really knew...was it all at once....gradual...building up to a climax? The last one was mine. Question-study-question-study-question.....AHA! I feel so conflicted right now. I think I could be happy, but not if ALL my family, wife, and friends are in this WE DONT WANT TO HEAR YOUR TRUTHS YOU THINK YOU HAVE FOUND, LEAVE US ALONE AND LET US HAVE OUR TRUTH (illusion).

  Somehow that first gut feeling is still inside. I am not suicidal, but have really wanted to just walk away and I think that is because I know a fresh start is probably going to be a much less painfulforme process than trying to make this work in my current environment. Yes I feel almost like a freak around ALL my old dubbuds. I know...no big changes for awhile....but that gut feeling is just not going away.......oompa
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  Gayle

  gee, oompa,,you know, it seems to me you've got all the right stuff, to come thru the rain/snow, it takes time, a hard part I know,,but one day it will dawn on you, that you made it thru the big rain/snow, and you will have pride in that. Actually, where you are already is so much better than where you've been. There are sun shiny days ahead, not always, but mostly, better. Embrace those good things along the way.
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  AlmostAtheist

  Hey Oompa,

  You've been thru one of the most serious changes in life you can experience -- you've changed your entire world view. A short time ago you were among "the elite", the "great crowd" that alone would survive the apocalypse that was "right around the corner". As a JW, you learned not to plan ahead and think only about the moment, since that's all that mattered. You're never going to retire in this system -- why plan?

  Alot of the changes you'll go thru as you fully exit cult thinking are not quite as obvious as simply not attending meetings anymore. This "not planning ahead" stuff is one of them.

  Give yourself some time. I know -- I mean I REALLY know -- that it isn't easy to wait for a better day. You feel bad NOW and you feel like you need to do something NOW. But you need to wait.

  As a JW, none of our decisions were permanent. No matter how badly we screwed up, the New System was always out there just a few years away and it was going to fix all of it. But out here in the real world, we really can screw things up and they really won't get fixed.

  Before you make a life-screwing-up decision, give yourself time to get your head around it all.

  If you need to go to the doctor and get some meds to help you through this, just go ahead and do it. That's a great idea, in fact.

  When I was 15, I wrote in my journal, "Never make a life-changing decision when you're happy, sad, tired or drunk". If I'd followed my own advice, I can only imagine how different my life would be right now. Please take that advice.

  Dave
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  oompa

  AlmostAtheist: When I was 15, I wrote in my journal, "Never make a life-changing decision when you're happy, sad, tired or drunk". If I'd followed my own advice, I can only imagine how different my life would be right now.

  That is awesome thinking at any age! And thanks for your time. I have never been a good long range planner, and I mean even 1,5,10 years. I have been lucky as crap in business and when it keeps going well despite you, you don't feel the need to plan as much. I am know as being very "sperm of the moment" by nature...lol. I probably won't do anything unless I got top dollar for my business, but that feeling that I just need to go away and start over has been with me over a year, and I am not a patient person. It now seems my wife may not be nearly as happy with the new me, and I am sure not happy that she will not even consider ANY point I want to bring up...nada...won't even read WT things that will "undermine her faith." I am getting plenty of professional help...meds...therapy...but it seems it would be easier to go far away and start over....oompa
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  Gretchen956

  Ooompa, I don't have any earth shaking advice for you except to say that I'm sorry that your down. You know I really think that some of us experience a bit of post-traumatic stress syndrome upon leaving the WTS. It really sounds like you are experiencing some of that too. Our whole world was wrapped up in that religion and when we found out they were lying to us all of this time it really ripped the carpet out from under our feet. Its not surprising we experience depression and confusion and anger and fear and all sorts of other even conflicting emotions.

  But here's one thing that is important, IMO, is that we live them, understand each part of that grief cycle, get through them, and not rely on crutches like alcohol, food or drugs, and come through healthier and happier people.

  Its hard when you still have people inside, especially a spouse. I never experienced that, I left mine and the religion at the same time, but then mine was never a JW. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be for you. Sounds like you are experiencing the fight or flight reaction, I know that well, its so tempting to run. I do know one thing, though, you can't run from yourself. I have learned that lesson soundly and well.

  Now I'm rambling. I just wanted to tell you that I hear you, I empathize with you, and I send you my best wishes and a hug. Knowing you aren't alone helps, talking about it helps, getting therapy helps. You are doing all the right things. Hang in there.

  Sherry
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  llbh

  Hi Oompa,

  I believe u have children still at home that is a complication to, I have a jw wife and daughter to plus 2 non jw sons. I have no been to meetings for 7or 8 years. I have not done any strategic planning either. For me it sought of works, but is not easy.

  Thinking of u.

  Regards llbh
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  flipper

  Hello my " sperm of the moment " friend. I love your expressions. Pull em' out of your hat ! Your resident dolphin here! I feel for ya bro, it is a difficult situation when we have close friends and relatives still on the inside. If it's any encouragement to you I took your advice and sent my witness daughters nice letters, newsy about what we are up to ! So I wanted to commend you for that , maybe it will make them see I love them in spite of them being in a cult .

  I feel too, that even if your wife Oompa doesn't want to talk about the news coverage of the molestation crisis , you still can show lots of love to your kids and show them you care and want to spend time with them ! I know with my first witness wife I was married to for 19 years, also a fanatical j-dub, she has done everything to taint my daughters opinion of me since I've been out of the witnesses. So, word to the wise, stay close to your kids so JW wife of yours does not use them as a power wedge stick to beat you with. Just a suggestion from one who experienced it. Just know my friend we love you unconditionally here on JWD and I'm always ready and willing to talk over these blurry holidays if ya need to talk. I'll pm you my number. Hang in dude, Peace out, Mr. Flipper stay close to those kids ! They will be your biggest ally !
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  breakingfree

  Hi there Oompa, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. I feel the same as you do when I'm around my parents, it's exhausting having to bite your tongue all the time to keep the peace. They don't even know how I truly feel. I enjoy reading your posts mostly because you are passionate about the truth and exposing the lies. We have been taught our whole life by the JWs to search for and live the truth. Isn't it ironic that we now find ourselves forced to withhold truth and at worst live a complete lie. I have no real advice for you as living on the other side of the world I can't know what you're situation is really like, but if you have kids, it could only reinforce to them that Dad is a crazy apostate if he leaves them, and they may never get to know the real truth. As much as you want to point out the failings of the WTBTS at every possible opportunity, maybe a subtle approach will prove more successful. While your criticism is expected the guards will be up. I would give it some more time, but if nothing ever changes in the future you can't live a lie for the rest of your life.

  Maybe order a copy of the studies in the scriptures that has the winepress prophesy in it with the distances across new york or wherever. Leave it lying around. Mention you got it to see the spiritual food that the FDS was providing when Christ returned (jan 15 WT coming up...). OK this sort of goes against my last comment...
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  purplesofa

  Hey oompa,

  I haven't read the posts so I am probably repeating.........But I have been out for almost three years now.....Although I had other problems I was dealing with along with my exit........I am only now beginning to feel energized and hopeful about the future out of the JW experiance. I knew from going through a divorce and deaths in my family and other things in life that this HUGE change in my life was going to be a time of learning, reflecting, grieving, sadness and a whole list of other things.

  Simplifying my life, allowing for mistakes, being kind to myself and others, patience.........all has helped alot.

  Trying not to bite off more than I could chew too.

  Discovering new interests and persuing that, music, my drawings,bike riding, poetry, books..........diversions from the constant bombardment of thoughts of a scewed up past and an uncertain future. Enjoying NOW time.

  anyway, hope this helps some,

  purps
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  cyberdyne systems 101

  From my own experience, I was constantly wound up by what I was discovering and the passion that i wanted to tell those close to me. The only way i've become happy is to get through that period of time and then let it go. Sure from time to time I still get angry but on the whole I have moved away from the constant mental battle of it.

  I accept that I can only be responsible for my own mind, and what I take into it etc. Should others approach me to ask me how I view things i'll be happy to say, but until then i'll not let myself be bothered by convincing others to see the light - usually a frustrating and pointless exercise. I've created a life outside of the old one, and therefore thats has become my past, not my future. Its has been an extremely painful experience to change my whole view on life and to be hurt by people over a choice i chose to make. Of course I made many big mistakes myself upon leaving finding my feet, but again i've learnt and moved on and forgiven myself.

  I wish you well on the journey

  CS 101