Important! My mother before Elders re marriage problems with Elder husband

by Guest with Questions 35 Replies latest social relationships

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  Guest with Questions

  If anyone can help me understand what goes on in the mind of Elders? Is there a buddy mentality to protect each other and the flock and sacrifice those who make waves? I’ve gathered coming here that may be true.

  The reason I’m asking is because my mother has found herself in a very difficult situation and I’m really worried for her.

  My mother married an Elder who is highly respected in their congregation. Before she married him we were told that he was verbally abusive. I won’t go into detail for obvious reasons. We went to her with that information but she went through with it anyway.

  She now admits that he has been verbally abusive from the start and it’s escalating. She wants it go before the Elders. I worry that she’ll be eaten alive. Three male Elders (one her husband) and one woman. I feel they will protect themselves and his "good" name and sacrifice her, maybe even disfellowship her. I told her to write everything down that he has done to her because I know her. She will become nervous and totally blank out.

  I want her to see the truth of this Org but it may all be too painful for her, not just about her husband, but about the org as well. She’s a senior citizen. One good thing she does have children not in the org that are totally there for her.
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  ninja

  have you not got a brother or some male that can go have a word with the idiot?
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  avishai

  If anyone can help me understand what goes on in the mind of Elders? Is there a buddy mentality to protect each other and the flock and sacrifice those who make waves?

  Oh, yeah, but more just to cover their own asses, the hell w/ the flock, just look at how they handle sex offenders, abuse victims, etc.

  They usually just tell the abused spouse to shutup, pray, come to meetings and go out in service....
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  dinah

  Yeah, what ninja said.

  If she goes to the elders, being a woman it will be HER FAULT that he is abusive. It always is. She will be told to be a better wise and all that crap.
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  avishai

  Ya want I should come up there and "talk" to them?
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  avishai

  Yeah, what ninja said.

  If she goes to the elders, being a woman it will be HER FAULT that he is abusive. It always is. She will be told to be a better wise and all that crap.

  While i agree that they treat women like sh*t.... They often tell abused men the same thing....
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  White Dove

  From my experience, they will chew her up and spit her out. Sorry. Better to have a male relative "talk" to him for her and keep it out of the congregation for her own reputation's sake. The elders talk to their wives. Their wives, in turn, talk to the car groups. Have a relative "communicate" to him to watch his mouth around his wife.
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  Wasanelder Once

  I recommend that she get one of those small recorders and record him when he goes off on her. If she does that there can be no denying it. It's the only way besides having a witness in on his abuse. Not expensive, why not get her one for Xmas? W.Once
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  purplesofa

  if she feels she must go to the elders, can one of her kids be a part of the conversation?

  preferably a male?

  sadly in a male dominated situation, women are discounted and even thought to bring on the abuse and even deserving of it.

  What exactly does she want the elders to do?

  Help her husband manage his tongue? Will she be satisfied if she comes away feeling worse than before.

  She may come away feeling stronger and empowered, if they are inept to help her.

  I wish someone could go with her when she talks to them if she is set on doing it.

  purps
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  V

  This is my honest advice from as an active JW.

  I would recommend that your mother go to the Circuit Overseer. There is a serious conflict of interest in reporting her husband to his peers. There may be honest elders in her hall, but the human factor plays here.

  The Circuit Overseer will want to meet with her husband and perhaps the elders in that hall. In case of a judicial meeting, she could even request that elders from a neighbouring congregation conduct. It will help if she has a "witness" to her husband's abusive behaviour (two-witness rule). Otherwise a he-said, she-said will usually default to the man's favour (after he is an elder).

  It is important for her to remain respectful and "honesthearted." (Forgive me for using these terms!!) Any inclination that she is stirring up contention will cause the brothers to side against her.

  Expect her husband to pull all the strings to maintain his standing in the congregation.

  This advice is given in the context that your mother is a JW believer. Despite the cultic justice system of the JW congregation, there are ways to help your mother if she chooses to remain in the religion.