Letting go of JW relatives (Long)

by MegaDude 32 Replies latest jw friends

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  LyinEyes

  Mega , your story brought tears to my eyes. Acutally I am very moved, it is hard to type . The shortest way I can say I understand ,is ditto
  on the letting go. My dad, my only parent alive, has turned his back on me, never mind the terrible things we all went thru together. It seems so easy for him to let go. I had to also let him go, it was his choice. Why beg for love ,when they are not capable of giving it.
  I know exactly what you mean about Sept . 11, I didnt get a call either. I didnt call him because , he doesnt want to hear from me. Did I mention I am not d/a or d/f , so he could have called me. It always hurts when I think of the pain others like yourself have endured also. I am a dreamer and that is not always good for me. I want to see the best in a situation, and sometimes have trouble accepting the bitter truth. But somewhere in my heart I wish that my daddy would call me and just say , I still love you. I dont expect him to go agaisnt what he wants to do with religion. But one call, and I may have hope that one day he will understand my choice to never go back to the hall. Sometimes it is hard to not think with your heart, sometimes it is almost impossible , but we have to survive. Letting go, has brought me peace too. My life is so much better for it. I wish you joy and happiness Mega.
• 

  Billygoat

  I had forgotten about this post. And it comes to me as a timely reminder. Thanks to whomever brought this back up!

  I've gone almost two months without calling my parents. For some of you that may seem like nothing, but for me that's a pretty big deal. I've always, always tried to be a peacekeeper in my family and was always the one to hold out the olive branch. But I'm finding strength now to stay away from that "abusive" and one-sided relationship. I'm tired of working for nothing. In the midst of that strength, I find I still miss my mom and dad. I just can't seem to get that empty feeling out of my heart. Sometimes I wish they were dead instead of just shunning me. Isn't that awful??? I guess I just feel like mourning their death would be easier than mourning my shunning. At least that way, they'd be gone because they were dead - not gone because they choose to be.

  I'm trying to quit fantasizing about the day they "come around". I've got to quit dreaming about something that will probably never happen. Thanks for letting me unload.

  Andi
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  These post have really hit home with me!
  I've been experiencing the same situation with my j.w. family.
  My parents are dead now and I find me and my worldly and j.w. siblins in a slow drift apart from each other.
  It's not that I don't love my family, but I'm just tired.
  I'm tired of all the mind games and the feeling so empty and these one sided relationships.
  Religion aside, ....a unhealthy relationship is a unhealthy relationship. I've been thinking lately that I will completely fade away from j.w. family. I wont have hard feelings towards them personally or take their actions personal, but I'm subjecting myself to it anymore. I'm beginning to have that feeling towards all my siblins. I love them all and I feel I've made the effort to show that I would like to have a relationship with them. My door is open. I'm 40 years old and I'm coming to the age where I feel that this is my last chance to have a desent life. And that's what I intend to do!

  About 2 years ago my husband and I sat those wheels in motion by moving 2 hours away from *all* family. A good healthy distance.
  We still have some contact with our families, but find we don't get involved as much with the distance between us.
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  P.S.
  Here is a email from my j.w. sister that she sent me this morning. *To fill you in on alittle about what she's talking about* She is talking about our uncle who has alzheimers and is in her care.
  Tell me how you would describe her email. Tink =:o)

  *Email From j.w. sister*

  Hey, Wed will be fine. He always likes to get out. ??? usually has him
  on Wed but she had to help me out this morning for alittle bit so that will
  work. I'll just keep him here for the morning and you can have him whenever
  you want. I ended up taking him off that medicine. It wasn't working. He was
  totally out of it during the day and still not sleeping at night. (it wasn't
  pretty to watch) I'm gonna try another one this week but I have to wait
  alittle bit and let this first med get out of his system. I'm only gonna get
  a week's worth this time cause it's so expensive and it might not work
  either.
  Mom has new flowers up. ??? and ??? got them this time.
  Later, ?????????
• 

  sf

  Hello Mega,

  How are things these days? I didn't realize at first the date on the topic. {{{{{Hug}}}}}

  Hello Gary,

  "I quit giving them opportunities to shun me. I have contempt for them and their religion. I do not have blanket forgiveness in escrow waiting for them to stop over and pick it up someday. They got a heck of a lot of making up to do to ever get anywhere near me again."

  I'm curious, are you still thinking and feeling what you stated here?
  I feel this way...still, yet not as intense. And I don't act on much of my anger anymore, when it rises at times. I don't get those insane, intense yearnings to call her and annihilate her like before. Yet, I do still feel like there is a lot she has to make up for before she can "get near me". It's a mixed bag of emotion and thought.

  Great thread.

  sKally

  If man was supposedly created in gods image, then.....holy krap...we're all doomed.-sKallyWagger

  “What a blessing such integrity keepers are to the congregation!”(5/15/02 WT magazine, pg. 27)
• 

  MegaDude

  Jst2laws,

  You asked for an update on my mother. No change, nor do I anticipate one. She's a true believer. Although she lives about 10 minutes from me, she never calls, nor does she stop by.
  Any sort of deep emotional connection I used to feel towards her is fading more away each day. I should say I'm not giving up, but like others have stated, I got tired of the emotional upset that never seemed to heal from reaching out for years and getting nothing back in return. Since I made a decision and a firm commitment to divorce these people out of my life and not reach out anymore, I feel better. It was very hard, but it was the best decision *for me.*

  The hardest one to let go of, as I've said before, was my brother.
  But when I ran into him a couple of weeks ago, I didn't feel the same as I did before. It used to agitate me to no end and cause me a lot of grief, but that seems to be gone as I stated in my follow-up post "Letting JW relatives go revisited." Wish I had done this a long time ago.

  I have wondered what the hell I was thinking putting myself through that year after year. I guess I wanted to believe, despite the overwhelming contrary evidence, that if I kept trying we could be a family again. It was a beautiful wish, and I certainly gave it my best effort, but I've had quite enough of their cold shoulder to last me a lifetime.

  I saw my oldest ex-JW sister this weekend, and she made the same decision I did. She says when she occasionally runs into our mom (visiting our dad who was never a JW) it's like seeing a familiar acquaintance, but certainly there is no relationship or family feelings anymore. She doesn't feel her mother is her mom and is happier thinking of her that way. Your "family" isn't necessarily your family after leaving the Watchtower. I think it's healthier to think of it that way.
• 

  Gopher

  Mega,

  Thanks for sharing what you have gone through, and where you're at now. It all rings true.

  My parents have shunned me and my sister. I haven't talked to them since they came back to this area (their old home) to visit old friends way back in September. The 9/11 incident occurred DURING their visit, but I heard nothing indicating care from them. They even won't see my 3-year-old daughter, and she really wants to know her grandparents. What did she do to them?? Such twisted thinking on their part.

  I have never tried to keep in touch, I kind of figured it would be like talking to a brick wall. Oh I send pictures and updates occasionally to let them know I'm still alive and kicking. But for the most part I have to act like they don't even exist, and it hasn't been easy.

  -J.R.

  This post was not evaluated by any mental health professionals.
  Any opinions expressed are those of a fuzzy, cuddly rodent.
• 

  SPAZnik

  Great thread Mega...

  ...so applicable and realistic to what xdubs face.

  My family situation was basically that it was extremely
  dysfunctional at almost every turn, so to be honest,
  i'm finding it to be quite a RELIEF to be "out" now.
  I'm fortunate in that, I guess.

  I miss certain friends more than i will ever miss my family.

  Now i'm just rebuilding a life from scratch. Starting from the inside out. New friends i consider "family". It's a new lease on life.

  One or two members of my jdub family still occasionally makes contact with me, but only when they need me...to vent to me about each other. I'm tired of the double standard about talking to me, the selfishness, the prevailing lack of love they all have for each other. Sometimes i think the shunning arrangment, intended to "protect" the jw cong. ends up being even more a protection for the xdub. Feels that way in my situation anyway. So personally i'm "grateful" for it at this point in my life.

  I'm even considering a move to another province/state to increase the distance from the games and manipulations, played by my family, both in and out of the troof. I don't hate them. Life's just too short for all the bs they waste my time & energy with. I need my space from them. We'll see.

  SPAZ
• 

  garybuss

  Gary wrote:

  "I quit giving them opportunities to shun me. I have contempt for them and their religion. I do not have blanket forgiveness in escrow waiting for them to stop over and pick it up someday. They got a heck of a lot of making up to do to ever get anywhere near me again."

  sKally Wrote:
  I'm curious, are you still thinking and feeling what you stated here?

  Hi sKally,

  Yes! They are at zero and digging. If the shunners and snubbers ever want a connection with me they need to start by making personal application to me and then make amends. If they are still an agent for the Watch Tower Corporation, I am not interested in any connection with them.
  
  I don't expect any to ever try to make amends with me on my terms. If they quit being agents for the Corporation I will see that as a good first step. I am not holding my breath at all.
  
  Evil is as evil does and evil loves company. It takes character and virtue to admit a mistake and reform. I doubt my agent relatives have either character or virtue. Their lack of character and virtue is why they are agents of foolishness in the first place.
  
  gb
• 

  QUEENIE

  DO not forget Relatives are not family...I come from a long line of disfunctional relatives some being JWs..I do not give a fig what them relatives are doing and most especially the JWs ones..I hope I am making myself clear !!