have you found it difficult?

by 4digitcode 28 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Dansk

  I used to be very much a loner and, at times (and even now), I have thoroughly enjoyed my own company. Throughout my illness a Buddhist friend was always there for me, visiting me regularly at least once a week and telephoning me, too. I found him truly inspirational.

  Of course, Claire, my wife and best friend, was always there for me and I had my three exited children (though one is far away in Brighton at university). I genuinely, genuinely have never, ever, missed any of my once "friends" in the org. I was in it for 19 years and, strangely, I don't miss a single one!

  I love nature and my garden, when my strength allows, keeps me busy. I also have three terrific dogs who make me laugh and display real love, affection and loyalty.

  And, of course, there's JWD! I have made some wonderful friends here and I daresay we'll be friends for life. I am fortunate in that I have actually met some of them and they are as genuine in person as they are in their posts. Next year I'm hoping to visit friends in the USA, Colorado region. This year we visited and stayed with Norm, the great Norwegian poster who Claire and I met at E-man's famed BBQ. Norm is a better man than people realise - and there's already so much good stuff written about him!

  I believe WE have to make the effort if we aren't to be lonely. At times though, as I've said, I just don't want people around me (except for Claire). I think it stems from childhood when I found I didn't have much in common with the other kids. During my teenage years my neighbourhood friends used to love going out drinking but I never did. I am virtually teetotal as I can't stand most alcohol. So, I "missed" the socialising they got. Oh, I have also been interested in birds for over 40 years and kept and bred many during that time, so my hobby kept me busy and, therefore, I had no time to be lonely.

  If there is ever an Apostafest one can get to I heartily recommend that one attends. I have made real, deep friendships with a number of people I have met at Apostafests. We don't cry over being past JWs. Far from it. We enjoy life now!

  I guess anyone meeting me would think me a gregarious sort of guy, whereas, in actual fact, I'm not. I CAN mix with most people and it is only recently that I have managed to overcome a shyness no one really knew about for years. I was useless as chatting up girls, for example, and if I ever got embarrassed it took me a long time to get over it! Now, I'm quite happy to be at home in my conservatory watching the wildlife and have my Claire bring me cups of tea and coffee

  I am heartily sorry for those of you who are lonely - and if you are as shy as I once was I can quite understand how difficult it can be. Also, if one was brought up a JW I guess it must be a lot harder to make friends than it was for me. The good news is you still have plenty of time to do it - but it starts with YOU! I cannot emphasise enough how Apostafests are such good meeting places. People there will be able to identify with you and you them. If you wish to talk about JW days you'll find listening ears. If you want to talk about something different you'll likely find someone shares your interests. You will also meet people who, inside, are just as lonely as you!

  Very interesting thread and much needed!

  Ian
• 

  JulieM

  I'm lucky in that I have a boyfriend who has never been a JW, and I have met a few of his friends, who have accepted me into their social circle, though I try not to talk to them about being an ex JW. I reconnected with a few other ex Witnesses as well, so I've had someone to talk to about that part of my life, which was most of my life, since I left. My bf will never fully understand what it means to leave a cult, all the issues that have to be faced, the inevitable guilt trips that I go on, but he has had a bit of coaching on what to expect, and he's very empathetic.

  As for making other friends, I hope to do so. My work colleagues seem a lot more relaxed towards me now, but after about 10 years of me looking for opportunitied to preach to them and trying to place magazines, and refusing to have anything to do with the office Christmas party, or any birthdays, I expect they are curious about my recent change of viewpoint. A couple of them have invited me to go out with them on a Friday night sometime, and I'll likely do it, so maybe in time they will become friends.

  I've only just joined this site, but it's looking like a pretty good idea, I wish I'd done it sooner now.
• 

  Happy Harvester

  I've made a few good friends here and there. Unfortunately, it is difficult to realize that some of them are crazy until after you've known them awhile. I guess that's what comes from growing up with crazy people. Anyway, some of the friends I have are professional and well-adjusted, thank goodness. If not for them, I'd have lost my mind a while ago. Things are very, very difficult right now.
• 

  Dansk

  Julie,

  I've only just joined this site, but it's looking like a pretty good idea,

  I very much hope you and your boyfriend can make the Apostafest being planned for London. Your boyfriend need have nothing to worry about as it won't be a gathering to discuss JWism

  Ian
• 

  Dansk

  Things are very, very difficult right now.

  I'm terribly sorry to hear that! I've just read your post on another thread and it's easy to see why you have been depressed. At the end of the day you have to realise it isn't your fault and you deserve better! Life can suck but somehow we have to climb out and above the morass and start to really live. I know it's easier said than done, but I've done it and I'm nothing special. You can do it, too!

  Love,

  Ian
• 

  JulieM

  I very much hope you and your boyfriend can make the Apostafest being planned for London. Your boyfriend need have nothing to worry about as it won't be a gathering to discuss JWism

  Gareth and me were talking about that last night after we went home, as I had read the post. We will chat to Trev about it as well in the next few weeks, not just yet though. Him and Gareth have been to central London lots of times, they go to the Great British Beer Festival at Earls Court every year, so the know their way around.
• 

  REBORNAGAIN

  Even after leaving the Borg some 7+ years later, my ingrained behavior to some degree is still within me. I talk to people, (not the Jdubs if I can help it) and have made a couple of good friends, who either moved away or died on me. Now I'm in a new town and don't know where to look. I tried the gym already, took one class at the college and attended a church for a few weeks. Guess I gave up on the latter a bit too soon. In anycase, I still can't be very conversational with most people. I hesitate to approach people and don't always initiate a conversation. I'm working on it though. As a Jdub, our only language with other people or within the congo was just that, another language and I do not speak it anymore. My life being boring in comparison to those in "the world", e.g. not having hobbies or talents to share with others, makes them hesitant to be a friend of mine too. What can I offer them? I'm working on that too. Sadly, it doesn't all come overnight.

  LINDA
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  I think when you are a JW you define friend differently that most people. You also have lots of friends in the JW org, hell that's one of their terms "friends". Most everyday non-JW people have just a few that are "friends", most people have lots of aquaintances - again how do you define friend? Is a friend someone that just happens to go to the same hall as you, or in fs with you. Or is it someone that you have spent many years with and shared your life with, good and bad?

  I was raised JW and had many JW aquaintances, I had 1 best friend since kindergarten non-JW and we are still friends today. I have added 3 other persons to my "friend" list and they are people that I would trust in my home, with my children and even to be around my husband if I'm not there and they trust me in the same way. These friends have been by my side during sad, bad, emotional as well as happy times. They've told me when they thought I was wrong and we've even had arguements but we are still friends. We disagree, laugh, celebrate, cry, complain and share most of our lives with each other. We may not live in the same state but when we get together it's like we still live next door. We talk on the phone and at times it's several calls a day, but at least once a week.

  To me that is the true meaning of friendship. Not how many you have but the quality of the friendship. And as we all know to have a quality relationship with anyone it takes time and effort from all parties.

  Just my 2 pennies

  nj
• 

  troubled mind

  I have always found it difficult to cultivate real friendships .

  It has been my experience that in friendships I was always the one putting forth the effort . People in the hall and my husbands witness relatives always knew they could come to me for emotional support .I was the proverbial crying shoulder people leaned on ......it finally wore me out . When it was my turn to lean on someone I found it was not a reciprocal situation .

  I was so lonely at the hall that it hurt . I knew along time ago it was all very conditional there and I resented it very much .

  I was determined to make friends when I faded .

  It was not easy. It took time. Being able to post on JWD got me through the days when I felt so alone and friendless .

  I work two very different jobs that allows me to meet different people .So I let my co -workers know I was no longer a practicing JW, and that led to invites, and many questions . I was honest about how my old friends and even some family would now view me ( ex sister in law works in same company ) .

  It has taken some time, but we are becoming friends . I now have people that just call me during the day to chat and see what I am doing ,never had that before .

  My husband became involved with two of his hobbies and he now has good friends in each sport .

  We are available to say yes to invitations we didn't have time for before ,like last night we went to see my neice play college volleyball .

  We just went on a motorcycle trip with someone I know from work ,and a new couple we met through them .

  Saturday night we went to area Haunted Houses and out to eat with people I know from my other job , something that we never would have done as witnesses .

  I find I have to work at keeping the relationships going though,because as a witness you just assumed as long as you saw someone at the meeting and in service that was enough to catch up on each others life .

  Now I have to remember to have a friend I must be a friend !

  Keep putting yourself out there even doing something out of character once in a while . I never use to drink ,but have found going to bars to listen to area bands very enjoyable . You don't have to drink to enjoy the music and people .