One of those days

Younglove1999

you know, when the haunting trauma of being out of the organization rears it's ugly head-

my husband and I have been out for almost 9 months now and I still struggle with so many emotions. Some days/weeks I'm fine and other times I just have so much bottled up, I feel like exploding.

This week the subtle trigger was a lunch with co-workers and the discussion of growing up and all the fun stuff done as teenagers, college experiences, etc. and I felt like such an odd ball because I don't have any of those experiences. I know it's over and done with and I have the rest of my life to more than make up for it, but I just felt this twinge of emotion creeping up. I didn't want to dwell on it since like i said, on to bigger and better things for my future, but it lingered. Then, as much as I love this site, certain topics truly hit home with me and I find myself just getting more upset. Upset with my parents, upset with the people who brought my parents into the organization and continue to pound it into their heads why anything their kids say is just wrong and apostate-upset with friends who have wiped me out of their minds so quickly- I want to call them up and tell them off- I think about how all these horrible JW parents would actually let their children/loved ones die to "stand by their God" and not take blood. I look at my little 6 month old baby and cannot FATHOM ever doing that.

So today I struggle with joy and glee because I'm free and there's so much to look forward to at the same time with anger and resentment of everything that was and everything that continues to be with the JW's.

While I appreciate having the avenue to vent, I worry that this may linger over me for the rest of my life. I truly hope it doesn't.

Gopher

YL,

I grew up JW too, and can fully relate to what you're saying. It's hard to just sit there and smile and nod when others talk about experiences they had but we missed out on because we were in a totally different world. We will always have a lingering feeling of being left out of some good things in the past.

It's at least good that you have friends/co-workers who like you and want to include you in on the present things.

Our job now is to begin creating happy memories with our friends and family. Then in the future we will have happy times to look back on.

megsmomma

Hugs to you!!

I think you are going through the common steps to freedom from a cult. Anger is one of them....and I do think it gets better with time. It still gets to me at times, but....I have accepted it more as time goes on and tried not to be so mad. It is hard though, especially when you can't get through to your family.

Hang in there

ex-nj-jw

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

I know exactly how you feel. I had one of those days yesterday. I was replying to a thread and all of a sudden I was crying, angry and I couldn't explain it and I've been out for almost 25 years!

You just gotta roll with the punches. Enjoy the good times and good feelings and accept the bad ones for what they are. Cry if you have too or when you need to. I think most if not everyone here can relate!

nj

journey-on

Younglove,

Your post saddened me.

You have a baby to raise and you want that baby's environment to be happy and joyous.

If being on this forum causes you to revert back to painful memories and actually holds you back from getting on

with the joy of living, I would only come on the board when you feel you need it. You say you appreciate having

the avenue to vent, but worry about allowing the resentment to linger in your life. If this board keeps these resentments

in the forefront, I say visit less often.

Some of the things I read here make me actually cry. The organization of Jehovah's Witnesses, imo, has a cruel and

sinister governing body. The rules and the burdens they place on their flock are heavy to bear and they divide and

disintegrate families. It is so un-Christ-like that it's hard to believe the r&f actually believe it's from God.

But, I'm past my personal pain. I can read this stuff and be sad and hurt for others, but my own personal situation

has improved, so I try to say something every now and then to encourage or uplift.

Stay focused on your little one and making her?his? life as happy and joyous as you can and learn how to stop

thinking about your past as much. Peace to you, dear...........................Journey-on

Younglove1999

thanks everyone.

I wouldn't say these feelings are holding me back- I think it's healthy for me to go through this, but there is a time, place and even a limit to how I allow these emotions to creep in. So I think it's just trying to figure out a healthy way to deal.

When I come home from work, I don't even have time to think about all this- I just enjoy my little girl, enjoy the fact that I don't have to rush around getting ready for the meeting and having to study on non-meeting nights, enjoy my husband and just live.

I think being in the organization all my life, the idea of being balanced emotionally, physically, etc. is very distorted and I'm just on this road trying to figure out how to truly go about truly being balanced. Some days it sucks but eventually I think I'll get to where I need to be. I'm thankful to have a husband to go through it with and the fact that my daughter just radiates with the idea of hope and love. I'll get there.

delilah

I've been there too, Younglove.

Yesterday, while watching my son's highschool football game, my mind wandered too, and I wanted to go back and do it all over again. I was watching the kids, walking about, having fun. I never got to experience hanging with my friends, going to a football game after school, but you know what? I'm making damned sure my kids get to experience it all, and I'm enjoying watching them have fun.

DON'T let the past get you down. You have a beautiful baby and a good life ahead of you. You give your child everything and more, of what you did not have as a child. And have fun watching their little eyes light up....Life is good, after the watchtower!!

Trust me, it does get better....and the anger is soon gone...maybe never forgotten, but gone. Don't waste too much time worrying about the past. Life is short. Make good use of it.

AWAKE&WATCHING

YL - I didn't grow up in the organization but I had a lot of drama as the child of an alcoholic.

It has been my experience that everytime I let a little of it out, I let a little of it go.

This forum is therapy for me. I only read and comment on what I can handle at that particular time. Sometimes I think of things in my past as a dragon that rears it's ugly head from time to time. Sometimes by remembering and writing about it you can slay it and move on. Sometimes you can only wound it and it comes back again, but this time you are a little stronger and it (the bad memory or feeling) is a little weaker.

Wow, I just re-read that , do I need to be medicated? Anyway I know what I mean.

Younglove1999

just an update on my day yesterday-

after I posted this, I got an email from my mom telling me about my daughter and what they did that day and within the email was an "I wish you guys went to meetings again so Gianna (my daughter) could hear about Jehovah". *sigh* I let it roll off my sleeve and then I got home. My mom gave me the baby update and left. I got the mail and I had a card from one of my mom's friends in Maine. The best "canned encouraing" card one could get. All about spiritual responsibility, perfect paradise, ensuring success for our family by maintaining our spirituality, you know, all that BS. Grr.. not making my day better. I almost want to send a card back merely saying "umm, the paradise is not coming- it's a farce..thanks for thinking of us. Love, XXX" oh well. Then I go into the dining room and sitting perfectly on the table is a brand new, fresh Watchtower that my mom apparently left. That was the last straw. I texted my mother (she's deaf, so this is usually how we go back and forth if we don't talk on the video phone) and said that she left HER WT here and to please take it with her tomorrow because we don't want it. I then said to her "i wish I could explain to you how I feel, but I just can't" I know, a little hasty but I had just had it up to here. She doesn't reply and later on I feel bad for being so mad- what if she did jsut forget it and wasn't intending on leaving it out for us? So I just quickly texted her telling me that I was jumping the gun and I would put her WT with her other things and hope she's having a good evening. She replied saying she sent me a quick email, but not to worry about upsetting her.

I check my email this morning and it says "sorry you're upset. I hope you're just inactive and nothing more that way it'll be ok for me to associate with you"

I would prefer to just let this "religious bantering" between myself and my mother just die out right now. So I'm not going to say anything more.
But talk about making a bad day worse. uggghh!!!

greendawn

It's hard to get over the JW past because it was such a rip off one had to put so much into it and in the end got nothing worthwhile out of it, and may even have got disgraced and banished by the JW community despite all that was invested in it in good faith. It is certainly a very poor return at best and a total loss at worst an invertment only the unaware would consider making.

But still there is plenty of time ahead to catch up with what was not enjoyed due to the restrictions.

One of those days

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