It's not so much that I wanted to die; I simply did not want to live. The hope of living forever - while an impetus to my strained level of endurance of trials in "the present system of things" - frequently seemed insufficient to bolster my flagging spirit. Yet wasn't my own loving and generous earthly father, who never failed me in any respect, an example of what Jehovah Himself would do for me - even if I must wait a bit longer?
Stop thinking of myself and consider the spiritual needs of others; find happiness and fulfillment by having "a meaningful share" in the field service. But study of the Society's publications is a prerequisite to sharing in the Watch Tower Service in said "meaningful" way. I felt inadequate ( not to mention confused ) insofar as expertly explaining the convoluted theological constructs of Brooklyn's Oracle. Would it be wrong simply to carry a Bible out in the Watch Tower Service and search out individuals who would find pleasure in hearing words of comfort from Jesus or those of the repentant David in the Psalms?
I wanted so much to do only that but to ignore the lovingly prepared presentations of God's faithful steward was tantamount to doing things my own way. I was so conflicted that I became paralyzed by negative emotion and ceased serving Jehovah shoulder-to-shoulder with the fearless, confident and unquestioning publishers of the Kingdom.
There was no purpose to life but to serve our Heavenly Father as understood and explained by those who look out for the interests of the now reigning King - Jesus Christ. I wanted to talk about him but if I could not present the Society-approved portrayal of the King upon his established throne, what would be the point?
Finding comfort in family, friends and my passionate interests could not assuage my guilt-ridden soul. A servant of Jehovah finds fulfillment through study, field service and prayer. All the rest is a cheap substitute for the works of faith that promise true contentment in the now and hold promise for the life that is to come. Say that over, and over and over and you will believe it ...
I did not want to live as - it hit me - I was not a true servant of the Almighty God who can be properly understood and explained only through his approved servant. Jesus Christ was not permitted to mediate on my behalf. My desire to serve Jehovah and help the sorrowing of this doomed world was of itself not enough if I could not work through His Channel. 'The road leading to life is narrow and I do wish to follow it ... Will I be turned off it by his ever-watchful slave?'
To be continued ...