I’ve been visiting for some time, but until now haven’t said much. I would appreciate some observations on the latest episode between me and my JW mother, like whether this is something I should ignore or try to resolve.
I was DF’d at thirteen, five years ago, for being a gay atheist. I didn’t become homeless only because my mother was/is ill with MS, we maintained a just workable relationship so that I could stay and help her look after herself.
The last three years relations became more tense as I began to piece together what had happened since she joined the org when I was about 3. She demanded yesterday to know why, and I let her have it.
I told her how fucking petrified of life I was as a kid, hearing about Armageddon and the ‘world’. About how I felt being made to sit outside hymn class reading the “great teacher” book (social isolation aside, it was neon fucking PINK).
I even told her why I nearly offed myself just before the DF’ing: the conflict between the org’s directives and my being gay (I remember praying about it, just like the “Youth” book recommended (at least that one was red)). And about how this was worse later on when I learned she had gay friends in the past, meaning that her reaction was solely a product of the org’s effect on her.
I told her that I wish she had protected me from the Watchtower, that she shouldn’t have let a kid get anywhere near them when I was so young I couldn’t understand what was going on.
Her response was that I seemed so enthusiastic about it when I was four. That I wanted to live in the ‘New System”…
Of course I did. I believed whatever I was told at that age, and playing with the kids of the sister that studied with my mother was fun, but that wasn’t quite enough.
She went on, and told me that she never wanted, and still doesn’t want to, see the new system, that she did it all so that I could. Then she pointed out all the shit she went through before joining – getting ill and my dad going AWOL – and suggesting that that was why things worked out the way they did. Which of course is true. My old man and her illness definitely both have something to answer for here, but they can’t be held completely responsible.
Her killer line, based on her hopes for my ‘everlasting life’ was, in response to my near suicide, that “maybe it would be better if I did die.” I assume her logic being that I’d have the hope of a resurrection and a chance to repent of my sins that way. Regardless of the control the cult has on her, that was I something I never expected to hear. I didn’t even get angry when I heard it. I just left.
I’m strongly tempted to leave it here. I don’t know if there’s anything left of her to hang around for. I’d appreciate the thoughts of any parents or kids who might know where I’m coming from.