A mother's bitterness

by jgnat 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • jgnat

    A sentimental song, misplaced, is creepy. My mother does have a romantic view of her role, and I believe, dreams of the day we come running back to her feet to thank her. For example, here are two of her favorite stories,

    "Love you Forever" by Robert Munsch. It ends with the son cradling the mother. http://www.fireflybooks.com/books/0920668372D.html

    "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. The tree gives all it has to the needs of it's young keeper. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giving_Tree

    HER PARENTING WAS a huge improvement from her own childhood. At least she relied on Dr. Spock rather than her horrid stepmother. For example, she always sterilized our weiners with a ten minute rolling boil. But parenting-by-the-book leaves some gaps. And she was left rudderless once we were young adults. What comes next? There weren't self-help books for THAT, at least not when my mom hit her wall.

  • jgnat

    No worries, choosing life. The aborted visit was a small blip on an overall very satisfying, very memorable holiday. I'm going to make a scrapbook of our adventures.

    I finally UNDERSTAND scrapbooking and all the brouhaha.

    It's not about the ART, it's about the MEMORIES.

  • jgnat

    What's worse, she sang the whole thing through. Every line, every verse. I lay on the hotel room bed, draped over my hubby, and shared the phone for the refrain. Hubby had that Homer, "Huh?" look on his face the whole time "So, is she going to have us over or not?"

  • Cicatrix


    I have the same problem with my mother. I feel like a puppy who doesn't know if its going to get petted or kicked when I'm around her.I do know her own upbringing has a lot to do with it. She has this fantasy that she is going to live with all of her children in a big old house, and that we are going to take care of her. Well, only problem with that, is her fantasy doesn't happen to include our significant others, and when she lives with any of us, she targets the significant other in an attempt to drive them away. She has a bachelor's degree, and her credits are from several well known universities (a fact she likes to remind us of often), yet she won't work (she lists off a plethora of ailments/diseases she has/might have). She belittles our little community college degrees and factory jobs, but expects us and our S/Os to support her with them. Worse than that, her degree is in psychology, and she is constantly trying to analyze us and use reverse psychology and behavior modification techniques on us (I started reading her psychology textbooks when I was ten, so it doesn't tend to work on me, lol). If we object to something she says or does, she says "I"M the one with the degree in psychology." My response to her the last time she said that was "Okay, well then why don't you go to work and actually use your knowledge somewhere." But then she just did an about face and started the symptom list again to reason why she can't work-sigh

    She just sent me a guilt email this week about a poor ailing grandma who no one loves or takes care of anymore. The woman is only 17 years older than me, for goodness sakes, and she acts as if she's 90! I was going to email her back and ask her if she'd become the stereotypical Jewish mother, but I just hit the delete button instead.

    Something that's helped me is to limit my communication with her to when I am feeling stronger. If there are difficult family issues I have to deal with, I just don't maintain any contact with her at that time.I don't share intimate details of my life with her, because she collects it and uses it as ammo.I've gotten the same type of rejection regarding visits as you have,so I only plan to visit her when I'm going to be up in her area visiting others or camping. That way, if she calls it off, it's not a wasted trip. I no longer ask her to attend any of my family's important events. She just says no, anyway, then makes sure my children know she's attended their cousins' events.I used to still invite her to my events, but then she decided she wasn't coming to my graduation from nursing school, after diagnosing my "lack of nursing assessment skills" over the phone (because I wouldn't give her symptom list a medical diagnosis-something nurses ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO).Now I won't invite her to my events, either. I am just tired of rejection! It's time for me to get on with my life instead of beating my head against a brick wall.

    LOL! Here-replace your mom's song with this rhyme:

    There was a little girl who had a little curl

    Right in the middle of her forhead

    When she was good, she was very very good

    But when she was bad, she was horrid

  • carla

    Is that song supposed to be in reference to your husband? Does she like him?

  • Stealth453

    Are your mother and mine sisters?

  • nvrgnbk
    Girl I'm sorry you were yet again let down by your Mother, but remember anyone can have a child it takes a special person to actually BE a Mother!

    So true, bikerchic.

    Sorry very sorry about this, jgnat.

    You're a kind and beautiful person.

    Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

    Hang in there.

  • eclipse


    I am so sorry that your mother is so awful to you...

    For any mother to say that to their daughter, shows her depth of cruelty

    From that little that I know, I would chance to postulate that your mother is narcissistic.

    For my mother is crazy too...

  • greendawn

    I know that song it's lovely though I haven't heard it for years, I wonder why she chose that, the words don't seem to match any situation it's even a man that sings it.

  • Scully

    Don't put your faith in love, my boy, my father said to me,
    I fear you'll find that love is like the lovely lemon tree.

    Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
    But the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

    Love sounds like a great thing but it causes pain and bitterness, maybe? Love is over-rated?

    It sounds like your mom is hesitant of being loving, fearful of disappointment and rejection. Maybe she's had a bad experience and vowed never to reach out to anyone in a loving way unless they prove they are not going to hurt her? Or maybe she's warning you that her love comes with a terrible price.

    One thing that bugs me is when people use songs and poetry to explain a relationship with me. Just say what you mean!!! Don't leave it open to interpretation - or force me to guess what you really mean. This is not a game where she knows the exact meaning of that song to her and you are left having to figure it out for yourself.

    If she is unwilling to open up and say what she really means, don't spend too much time trying to figure her out. She's the one putting up the wall, and it isn't up to you to unbuild it for her.

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