Anniversary... (page 2)

Quentin

Yup...what everybody else has said...when it happened to me my jw friends jumped ship ahead of the rats...in the aftermath I made enduring friends...ones that have stuck around, no matter what, who are my friends because it's me, not because I have some name stamped on my forehead...

Your non-jw friends are out there too...twenty years from now they'll still be there... while the jw friends will be in the dust bin of the dim past...yup, what everybody else has said....the one time in your life prophecy will come true...

Frank75

Tall:

You deserve that cry. Our being raised in that cult robbed us of our childhood, adulthood and a far far different path for sure!! (though not guaranteed to have been better)

But just like when someone is robbed at gun point, or has lost a life savings in a bad business idea or investment, the sadness will eventually leave and things will get better in time.

The experience will linger, and sting at times but we are older and wiser for the experience.

Cheer up and know you have friends here who love you without conditions.

Love to you girl. If you need to talk send me an email.

Frank75

By the way, i am pissed off that you had one person wish you well when you left! And you told me once that your mom and dad will still talk to you, as well as your brother.

I struck out on all of those sis, so from where I stand UR pretty lucky!! (that's "FORTUNATE" in JW speak)

tall penguin

Thank you to all for your comments. I want to believe things will get better but my brain has other ideas.

I've been in a major depression since the winter. The final stroke was the breakup with my bf who I left the org with. I really thought we'd come through that together and out the other side. Now, he's onto another relationship already and it makes me feel like everything we had was lies. It's like leaving the org all over again, questioning whether anything he said or did was real. Wondering if he ever really loved me at all. And whether anything in this life is real. And how do you tell?

I feel lost and hopeless. I have no will to get up. No will to eat. No will to do the things I used to enjoy. The doctors are treating me for Major Depressive Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress. We have yet to find meds that work. It's been months of trying different drugs. The one I'm on now just spiked my panic and I've had to be put onto other meds to counteract this one. The hope is that I will get over the hump and the med will work. If not, on to another.

Every day I do my best to start over, but I'm plagued with thoughts of him and his new life. I feel like he's winning somehow and that I'm the loser because I still feel so hurt, so heartbroken. After coming through the toughest trials of life in leaving the org, I thought we'd be able to weather anything. But I was wrong. I'm still not even sure why he left. All of the reasons he gave seem like bullshit now...wanting time to be single, wanting time to pay debts, not wanting to have kids with me because I believe in alternative medicine and he doesn't. It all seems pretty silly. Part of me even wonders if he was faithful to me. I know he took a girl away the weekend I moved out.

I was in a good place when I first moved out. I felt confident and ready to move forward. Then he started calling me 4 days later and took me on the emotional roller coaster from hell. Wanting to be with me, but wanting other girls too. And still wanting to tell me about the other girls as well, what he was "learning" about himself through these other relationships, meanwhile I let him back into my heart (stupid me) and let him do his dance all over me for 6 weeks. That's what pushed me over the edge. It was the being used. It was the being toyed with. It was him wanting the same friendship without any of the commitment. And so now, I'm left with these memories of him and I don't know what was real, what was true. We said we were going to get married, have a family together. Now it's over and I feel stupid for having bought into anything he said. I feel bamboozled, just like I did when I left the org. He sold me on an idea of love and I bought it. I wanted to believe he was telling me the truth. Now I just feel dumb for even letting him into my heart, into my soul, into my body.

Everyday I am triggered by thoughts of him, thoughts of his new gf. I hear a song, eat a certain food, watch a certain film and I am traumatized. My heart races. I feel trapped and I want to run screaming from my life.

I have supportive people in my life. This is true. It is a blessing that I still have my brother and my parents and a number of friends. But all their love and well wishes still doesn't make the pain go away. Most days I want to carve out my spoon with a knife. I think about suicide daily. I don't know how to live this life. I don't know what to do with these feelings that hurt so much. I don't know how to trust people. I don't know how to stop these thoughts from churning in my mind, from churning in my belly. These thoughts that I'm unlovable and unworthy and hopeless. I can't see the sun behind these clouds.

tall penguin

eclipse

((((((((((((((tall penguin))))))))))))))

You need to tell your therapist about your ex. What you are going through right now sounds too painful to go through alone.

You are worthy and a wonderful person!. You are lovable and intelligent! You deserve to be loved and respected!

This site helped me in a moment of desperation:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

tall penguin

Thanks Eclipse for that great site. I've got it bookmarked.

tall penguin

ex-nj-jw

tallpenguin -

I can't say that I know how your are feeling. But I can say that even though things seem pretty bleak to you at the moment, they can and will get better. You have to give this life, your life a chance. It will be hard to put this bf behind you, but in the end you may be glad you did. I believe that everything happens for a reason and in 3, 4 or 5 years you may look at this whole experience in a different way.

Use this time to make yourself stronger, find out who you are not how someone else defines you. You need you own definition and when we find ourselves and live our life for who we are, it's so much more rewarding!

Hang in there sweetie, lean on the people you have in your life and take one minute at a time!

Hugs, love and support

nj

changeling

(((((((tall penguin))))))

Tomorrow will be better.

changeling

AlmostAtheist

(((TP)))

Never forget...

Hang in there. Clouds part. They always do.

Dave

damselfly

Sweetie, I know it hurts and it feels hopeless to be stuck in a depression, I've been there. You probably don't want to hear that things WILL get better and turn around. You just have to trust that they will in time.
It's good to lean on your support system and keep on working with your doctor to find something that will work for you. I remember that the panic attacks seemed worse to me than the depression did. Like I was going to have my heart suddenly burst from my chest and start skidding across the floor.

Have you looked into bodywork of any kind? I had an amazing friend that really helped me get over some of my (many ha!) issues that I had. Just a thought. Also Rescue Remedy helped with my panic attacks. I didn't care that it might be a placebo, I just needed to feel in control of anything related to the panic attack.

xoxoxo Dams

Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit

Tall Penguin,

I sooooo believe in getting a little help from a doctor at times like this, I've done it, countless others have done it. I took a mild anti-depressant/anxiety drug for about 18 months, I didn't need it forever. It helped me to be me, to deal with the pain of losing my family like I normally would. I still felt sad, but I FELT sad, I was no longer defeated and hopeless.

Consider anything that will help you. And stay here, please keep us on top of how you are, everyday if you want to.

Catfish

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