I agree that this is a very well thought out, sincere letter that would certainly make me stop and think if my 18 year old son gave it to me. My only advice, though, is make sure that they know the pressure you feel is because you don't truly believe, not because you don't think you can "live up to your dedication" or live up to the high standards. Too many JW's think that people leave because they can't cut it, not because they have come to a rational decision.
need some help with letter.... this is what i got so far....help
by thebiggestlie 27 Replies latest jw friends
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LearningToFly
(((thebiggestlie)))
Your letter is very touching and heartfelt! I would leave it how it is, you expressed your thoughts and emotions beautifully, they are clearly from your heart! I hope your words touch your parents heart, they certainly did mine, bringing a tear to my eye while reading.
Be true to yourself.. and be strong!
LTF
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bigwilly
If you're interested in the less friendly version, here's the link to my letter to the parental units.
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thebiggestlie
final draft...im leaving in the remaining typos and whatnot just for the heck of it.
Dear Mom and Dad,
So you want to hear from me and to know how i really feel on certain issues which is understandable. I know how confusing I can be at times ....well most of the time, but i want to first tell you how much I love you. I would lay down my life for you. Your my parents! You raised me and always wanted the best for me. I grew up with you two playing games and reading stories and all of the valuable and essential childhood activities. I look back through my childhood (even though i am still a child in more ways than just one) with fond memories and a heart full of love and appreciation. I wish I could openly express my feelings on such things and let you know how i really feel without fear of sounding cheesy or whatever although I suppose thats just a character flaw of myself that i must improve on, but I'm taking this moment to express to you my love and admiration and to thank you for being there for me all these years. I have nothing short of unconditional love for the both of you and can only hope to have the same from you.
As you know, these last few years have proved to be rough for me. I've always felt like the black sheep in the family as well in the congregation. I've always felt like many aspects of me have been off of center. I have lived most of my life in constant worry, attempting to achieve some kind of normality, to find my groove, my niche as it where in this muddled thing called life. Even among witnesses of my own age I've always felt completely disconnected even from a young age. I suppose this is a fairly normal feeling for a young person as it is often written about both in the pages of the watchtower and many other secular and religious sources. But nonetheless I've tried desperately to find something to cling to feel like i belong.
This brings me to the first and probably the major topic I want to talk about. That is the issue of being in “the truth” or being one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Ever since I was a baby I was taught that i didn't have to search for any answers to the entire universe because they were all conveniently laid out in front of me and that i should respect my spiritual heritage. And I must say I do respect my heritage so don't get me wrong but listen to what I'm trying to say. As i was saying, since i was a young child I have been constantly told that Jehovah's Witnesses hold the only truth and that everything else in the world is a product of Satan in a desperate attempt to mislead as many people as he can in these “critical times” and the last days. I was thoroughly indoctrinated.
I know you will say that you where only doing your Christian responsibility by “bringing me up in the way of Jehovah.” and i wholeheartedly respect that. I know you believe completely in your heart that your doing the best for me. I know how much you love me and i love you just as much. You have no idea how much pain I AM IN writing this to you. Can't you see that? Don't you know how much i love you? And don't you see how much pain this entire situation is causing?
But not to get sidetracked off of the topic at hand i wish to elaborate on what i was saying. We as human beings have free will. We have the opportunity to look at the world around us, take in knowledge, analyze this info and then act upon it in whatever way we feel works best. Well, in a perfect scenario anyways this is true but i must say i have NEVER ONCE felt as if i had the freedom to think, choose, or decide on any issue on my life. I was just taught “this is how it is, if you don't believe it then you'll be hurting yourself, your family your friends, and not to mention Jehovah! And you don't want to be one of those that will be destroyed in Armageddon do you?” Do you know how much pressure that is on a young child, especially one that always felt inadequate and different? And to make it even more pressing i was completely separated form the rest of the world. If you put someone in an environment where they have no contact with the outside world and everything outside of the safe, neat little barriers is demonized and evil and soon to be destroyed, what is that person supposed to think?
I used to have nightmares of Armageddon as a child. The idea of it being just around the corner and “it could even be tomorrow” always lingered on my mind. I was terrified of the the idea of being turned into birdseed at the day of Jehovah's judgment. The pictures in the magazines of men women and children in pure terror with fire raining from the sky were quite effective in scaring god into me in a similar way that I imagine hell scares faith into christians. But then on the other hand theres paradise. I can remember fondly looking into the pages of “My Book of Bible Stories” and wondering what i would name my pet lion and how the giant grapes would taste. And then there the resurrection, being able to see grandma again. These are all strong emotional pulls and they still pluck at my heartstrings. I SO BADLY WISH that they were true but i can convince myself rationally that they are anything more than just a pipe dream, a fairy tale thousands of years in the making.
I mentioned before that i always felt like the black sheep, like something was wrong with me. Well if you where to ask me if i believed in God at any age up until about 14 i would have probably said yes because any other option seemed ridiculous and could only originate from the devil, a load of humbug issued out by evil scientist and philosophers who only want depravity and sin to fill the earth. As a witness it really is is an “us vs. the world” mentality where every single religious, scientific. And political organization is seen as being a devious tool of the devil to ensnare the world. This is what i was taught so that is what i believed, but even though i believed i always had the lingering feeling as if something was not quite right. I almost felt like every time i even considered going near the curtain i was told to “pay no attention” to the man hiding behind it. I ALWAYS felt empty even though i was told that “the truth” was the only way to ever feel full. I always felt like there must be something wrong with me or that the Devil was picking on me in particular.
I feel almost for a lack of a better term “emotionally blackmailed”. It hurts me so bad to see you cry and hear you say things such as “I'm just worried about you and what your going to do. You know you'll hurt so many people not only your parents?”. I have always felt like i only had one option that you would ever approve of in life and I've always felt like my freewill was severely stunted. I could never think about anything, and in fact thinking was seen as have a spirit of independence and closely linked to the kind of thinking that the devil used on Eve in the garden. Thinking and questioning are completely demonized in the purest sense. Would you even be a JW yourself if it weren't for you thinking at one point in your life “is it really so that the catholic faith is the only true faith in the universe?”
You say “Nicholas you know in your heart that its the truth” and within the organization itself the term “the truth” is used so liberally and with such audacity almost as if it is called such often enough it makes it “true-er”. Everyday i feel like a hypocrite. I feel like i am lying to the entire world. This feeling has been building up inside of me for many years. I realize ive made some genuinely stupid and for the most part typically teenage type mistakes in my life and i apologize for lying on many occasions. But do you realise why i have felt the need to lie and hide how i really feel? Do you realise the tremendous amount of pressure weighing down on me and the bench mark that is way to high for me to ever reach. I have been lying to myself for so long and i can hardly imagine being a hypocrite for my entire life.
The world is not Black and White despite what some may think. IT is a diverse and interesting place full of subtle shades. It doesnt boil down to a concept of good vs. evil or us vs. them. As i have come to the crossroads of adulthood i am begininning to see just how enriched and complex the world is and that many of the things that i held as “absolutes” as a child were merely just another shade of the infinitely complex spectrum of universal color.
Why should i be afraid of my thoughts? When i was fifteen and i had those issues with severe depression and cutting it was not because of some girl as you suspected and as i let on. I used her as a lark, no as a scapegoat to hide the real issues. You can point fingers and condemn my thoughts and my doubts and bring up as many scriptures as you like but i know for a fact that my thoughts did not originate with any other source. I was having a true “existential meltdown” debating the nature of the universe, the truthfulness of the society, and the meaning of life. When someone as sheltered as a JW kid begins to look into the big issues in life it is easy to get overwhelmed especially when all alternatives have been painted black and outlawed. Feeling trapped, lonely, heartsick, and the need for approval nearly killed me quite literally. I must say i still face the same issues but as i grow older i feel a little stronger and less self destructive but on the inside i still feel like a cold, lonely child just wanting to be loved. I want you to love me and theres this war raging inside of me saying that i can either love you and be a hypocrite and force-feed myself with something i cant swallow or the other option which im not sure entirely where it would lead me.
My baptism, i remember the day quite vividly and i remember feeling very insecure on that day. I wondered to myself if i was really doing the right thing because at this point my lingering doubts were already grown in to creatures of immense size. But for reasons mentioned above, that is, Wanting to fit in, pressure and love of family, and the fear of being destroyed in the event that this whole idea actually turned out to be true, i decided to go ahead and go for it, not that i had much of a choice seeing that it was drilled into me since a very very young age that baptism was something that should be highly desired and one of the ultimate goals in life. It seemed to me to almost be sacred, like a position that i could almost brag about. Do you remember when Matthew got baptized and how jealous i was of him? “But mom! Why cant i get baptized???” I didnt even know what the word fully entailed. Even at fourteen when i got dipped i still didnt fully grasp the immensity of the concept. It has always disturbed me to hear of reports of 7 year olds getting baptized at some assembly. Really, can a child realy make such a decision of such magnitude at that young of an age. According to the bible even JESUS didn't get baptized until he was 30 years of age. I just look back at my baptism and see that it was for all the wrong reasons.
I'm not going to debate on philosophical, doctrinal, or scientific issues nor am I going to make a laundry list of things i take issue with, but i am going to ask you this. You say that i must know its “the truth in my heart” but i in fact will tell you that my heart does not “know” this. I feel like a liar and a hypocrite. I feel cursed for being different and i do wish i could believe but i hardly see how that is possible, because every attempt to acquire a level of faith so far has inevitably failed. Is disbelief really something i should feel guilty about? What do you suppose i should do? I know that you love me unconditionally just as i love you unconditionally. I hate writing any of this and by the way this is in no way a letter of goodbye or anything. I have held back some of my thoughts on certain issues to keep this dignified. Take this as merely a jumbled portrait of my thought because you so eagerly want to hear them and i regrettably must share them with you. I just hope you can understand even a fraction of how i feel.
Your son,
Nicholas
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4JWY
Wow, well written letter full of honest thoughts that should make an impact with any parent.
Don't worry about a misspelled word or two, it's not a test. It's a wonderful example of a young man not afraid to share his emotions.
A word of encouragement:
My husband, and I are happily out of the cult, in large part due to listening and appreciating our adolescent son's similar thoughts shared.
Stick to your convictions and who knows who may see your sense and exit too.
4JWY
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brunnhilde
Very well done, TBL. You've been in my thoughts since things started getting more and more difficult on the homefront. Let us know how you are.
brunn
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The Oracle
I think your letter is fantastic
Very heartfelt and sincere. As someone else already said, you just need a nice concluding paragraph.
I also think it was fantastic that you have received so much support in this forum from people that truly care about you, even though most, if not all, have ever met you. I tip my hat to everyone here who has made their comments and offered suggestions or words of encouragement!
That is a testiment to the human spirit...which is one of the wonderful side effects of breaking free from the truth - you can actually embrace your fellow man and woman!
I wish you all the best!
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4JWY
Nicholas,
Something I thought might help you feel confident too in making your choices. I showed my dad and two elders this from the 8-8-88 Awake - the cover topic: Is Your Religion A Matter of Choice or Chance?
The article asks, "Should religion be a mere hand-me-down? Or should it result from a deliberate, rational decision?"
Next article: Early Christianity Not a Matter of Chance - "Each convert to Christianity had to make a rational choice after listening and meditating on what he had heard."
Next article:Do You Choose - Or Let Others Choose for You?
"But is what we inherit always the best?....throughout the earth there are some who are taking a second look at the religion they have inherited from their forefathers. Instead of considering it a betrayal of a family tradition that must be cherished unquestioningly, their spiritual longing has moved them to search for something better....but whether you are happy with your present religion or not, it still behooves you to make a choice...Why, even in everyday matters, we try to control our own lives as much as possible. Who wants to be just a victim of circumstances?...And yet, for many of us of, one of life's most crucial decisions-which religion we should profess-has been decided for us by chance, by long-forgotton quirks of history, and by place of birth.
Would it not be wise to ask yourself: 'To what do I owe my religion? Was it a hand-me-down that I have never questioned? Or did I make a deliberate rational choice?' Asking such questions is the very thing that the Bible urges us to do. The Apostle Paul admonished the Corinthians to 'keep testing whether they were in the faith, to keep proving what they themselves were.' 2Cor 13:5
True it takes courage to swim against the current. To be different is never easy. But if you defer making a choice, inevitably others will choose for you. An open mind is essential in making the best possible choice. Whatever your religion may be, do not leave it to chance."
These were just excerpts from those articles. I'm sorry I'm not able to get it posted in full.
Happy TRUE FREEDOM OF CHOICE to you.