In writing this story, I've done alot of soul searching, reflecting, examination of myself, my actions and motivations. It hasn't been easy and has been painful. I came to the conclusion that I was looking for a wife to have sex. I was the typical young, horny JW male. Plus I thought a wife would finally fill the void in my life.
In 1987, at 19 years old, I had my first serious girlfriend. After dating for 10 months in a long distance relationship I asked her to marry me over the phone. At the time she said "yes, but we need to talk". Next time I saw her she told me that she didn't think it would work, our backgrounds were too different. I was heartbroken. I didn't believe that was the real reason, but that's all she would tell me. I didn't find out the real reason until July 22 of this year. I'll explain how this came about in part three.
Some time later I met this beautiful JW girl at a party. Only one problem, she wasn't baptized yet. For the next couple of years we knew of each other, saw each other from time to time and did things together with mutual friends. We didn't start dating until after she was baptized in 1989.
While we were dating I felt on top of the world. I felt I finally had done something right - I had found the right girl, one my parents would approve of. I just wanted to be happy.
After you've been dating for a while the questions start "when are you getting married?" I think our parents knew there was more going on physically between us than was proper for a JW couple dating .
An elder counselled me not to have a long engagement so things wouldn't "get out of hand".
We got married early 1991.
Suddenly I'm a married man, an adult. I had a panic attack on our second night as a married couple. I had no idea how to be either of those things, but NOW I CAN HAVE SEX!! In thinking back and examining my motivations, this was a major factor for wanting to get married. Sex outside of marriage was forbidden. It was the JW thing to do - get married. But I also thought marriage would bring me the happiness I saw in other married couples.
I brought the idea that I had only to think about myself into our marriage. I had never been taught how to talk and discuss situations with my wife. This attitude got our marriage off to a rocky start. Another idea I brought into the marriage was that sex was the most important thing, nothing else really mattered. I didn't realize there was more to sex than the physical aspect of it. I was so infatuated with the "act" of sex that I ignored the intimacy part of it, the little considerations towards my wife that would have contributed to the intimacy.
I cannot ever remember my parents showing each other affection. They certainly never hugged us kids. As a result I really didn't know how to show affection, or had a warped view of what affection was. My wife tried to talk to me about this, but I really couldn't understand the concept and saw it instead of rejection. I shut down.
We went about our daily activities, not so much as a married couple, husband and wife, but more like room mates, or friends "with benefits". We would go along this way for a while, then my wife couldn't take it any more, would try and talk to me about things. I never really listened to what she had to say, because I didn't know how to change, I could only go by what I had experienced with my parents.
I was numb. I had shut down so long ago, I just didn't know what to do. It was easier to remain numb than open myself up to the feelings. I don't think I ever learned how to feel.
Until now.
The last four weeks have been an awakening for me. I have experienced more feelings in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last 39 years of my life. If I had learned how to feel as a child, this experience wouldn't have been so hard and painful for me and my wife, and it wouldn't have taken me so long to deal with things.
I've done alot of soul searching, examining, contemplating, meditating and crying, crying, crying, releasing the pain of the last 39 years. It's been emotionally and physically draining for the both of us.
As hard as it was for me to write this, it's going to be even harder to write the next part. I still need some time to sort things out and get it down on paper. There is alot of releasing of pain and anger.
Please be patient with me and stay tuned for part 3.
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