Sorry need to share and to talk about it and maybe in giving me your opinion, talking about your experience, I'll find other ways to deal with it.
I just turned 40 (does this have something to do with it) Never been scared about the matter ... but now I wonder what kind of love I've really experienced before (any kind of appeals like complicity for instance, the need to share something in particular with someone, the need to give someone some love?) I dunno for real ...I'm trying to get this out of my head but I can't, I can't, I can't - I'm trying to get interested in other guys but it's just not the same ... and I even wonder how I came to the conclusion that I do love HIM !!!
We are not together (I see him almost once a week) he is handsome but really it is not what got me interested in him - but the subble ways he shows his interest in me like he is not expecting anything in return)
I for the very first time fell comfortable in the idea of being married (still trying to fight against this idea though ... but it's like if HE would like it I would want it) Same thing about having kids (a bit late since I'm 40 - and really I'm not a mother in heart - I mean it's a Job - so all together in knowing that we are not together : why did I even thought about it)
And even worse I wouldn't care loosing him (I even feel a big relief when it happens that I think that he is interested in someone else - it's like it would set me free and get this weird feeling out of me) ... the only thing I would miss for real is the feeling I've got when I'm in his arms !!! never felt this way : like nothing can happen to me when he is holding me.
Am I going crazy here? Is this true love for a man?
I've never told him anything about that ... he doesn't either (and maybe because it's an illusion from me) ... I'm not in hurry to get there at all, at all, at all ... I'm lost, feel dependant ... Arrrrgh ! ... I need to breath ... And maybe i'm scared to dissapointing him ... all together I don't know what I want or even what it is all about exactly.
If you recognise yourself or anyone in what I've describeded here can you tell me what it was all about and was the next step? (good or bad)
I'm in love and ... scared !!!
by RAF 32 Replies latest social relationships
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RAF
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jgnat
You're in love.....or lust. You won't make sensible decisions while in this state, but what can you do about it? I'm not exactly the poster girl for sensible choices in men.
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BCberean
Scared.....most people are....at least 51% Fear is a feeling...can't tell you 'not' to have it Feelings have a mind of their own There's anothing feeling called anger It get's a lot of attention...more than fear I think people are more afraid to talk about fear Anyway...because Anger can manifest itself destructively most intelligent people realize that the problem is NOT the feeling of Anger....but.... how we process and express it Sooooo.... The problem isn't getting rid of the FEAR...but processing and expressing it....which..btw... YOU are doing right now. Wish I could be more helpful All I can really do is confirm that your post IMO is an appropriate way to process and express your fear Hope someone else can be more helpful
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DJK
Am I going crazy here? Is this true love for a man?
Your not crazy. Stay with it for a while and if it continues to grow, then you'll know if it's love.
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Tyrone van leyen
Why be scared. I think a need to commit, might have something to do with your age. For myself I have always made relationships work and had integrity without marriage. Why can"t someone commmit to another without a peice of paper. I've have always seen marriage in the traditional sense as a system put in place by lawyers as an excuse to get fat off of other peoples misery. A peice of paper is worthless to me. People can change,and life can change. My previous relationship ended because I got ill with multiple health problems and she left me. Boo Hoo Hoo. Guess what, If she had stuck around I might have married her. Now I know however, that she would have left me when things get tough. That is why a marriage contract says till death do you part. Now I'm getting healthier again. Its her loss but I'm glad I wasn't trapped with someone who can't handle the tough times. Take your time Raf! True colours always show themselves eventually. You are usually a very level headed person and I think you can trust your instincts.
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nvrgnbk
Life is short!
Enjoy!
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greendawn
Do you want a long term, deep relationship rather than an ephemeral one? Many believe that sex without any feelings is a very shallow experience. So it depends how you perceive true and pretentious love.
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Terry
I've been married four times. I've been divorced four times. That is where I'm coming from on this just as a prologue.
I'd say this to you (since you've asked):
It doesn't matter if it is "love" or complicity or companionship or any other word. What matters is the fullness of life which follows.
What do I mean by "fullness of life"?
Suddenly colors are deeper and the air is fresher and music is profoundly meaningful. You are completely and utterly ALIVE!
It doesn't matter how this happens because it is a kind of miracle that it happens at all...ever.
You are going to laugh when I say the following sentence because it comes from me.
But, don't bother DEFINING the situation with a word. Don't put it in a box with a label. JUST GO WITH IT!
Life can be quiet misery, solitude and unrequited longing if we don't leave our own skin once and awhile.
That is where the "other" works the magic.
The few moments we spend on Earth that matter are the ones in which we truly FEEL ALIVE!
Being with the right person is a transcendance! We experience ourselves in a way never before felt.
The trick to it is not thinking it to death and trying to capture it like some rare butterfly in a net!
That was my mistake (over and over and over).
When I met somebody who ignited an explosion of joy in my life I wanted to capture them and wed them so they couldn't escape!
Instead, I should have let, as they say, nature take its course by telling myself the truth: "You cannot MAKE things happen in a relationship out of your needs."
There is so much you can share with the right "other". Don't trip over the process by standing in awe of the power of your feelings.
Instead, rejoice! Scream to the heavens: "I'M ALIVE...I'M HERE..I THINK AND FEEL AND LIVE!" Wallow in the experience. Try on this miracle like you would a sweater and gloves.
Stay simple. Stay honest.
Never say to a man: "We need to talk." Men hate that. You mean YOU need to talk. He might not!
Find a comfortable moment to say a simple word or two that will clearly let him know in no uncertain terms that you are serious about him and that you just want him to understand how much he means to you.
This should be stated as a matter of fact and not as a love tragedy or a plea for the heaven's to intervene and make something happen.
What happens happens. Or not.
Watch OUT OF AFRICA. There is a lesson in it.
In that film two people have a wonderful love affair that is destroyed because the woman defines it out of existence by insisting it BECOME something.
Think about that.
In the meantime, enjoy life! Relish the sweet misery of extreme beingness in the presence of another.
Keep a journal and pour out your heart in every way you can. Spill your soul upon the page for later.
Saturate your consciousness with music and song.
Take wings and fly while the air is sweet with sunshine and your soul is lighter than magic.
Just my two cents.
Terry
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lonelysheep
I'm happy for you.
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RAF
Thanks all for your answers
Jgnat : You're in love.....or lust
I've experienced lust and I guess that I would know if it was about lust because I wouldn't be scared ... I would just get read of it either in making my mind about the guy does not worth it ... or since I'm free and can't fight against it I would just get into it to cut the feeling short ... I mean I like sex but I need something else to like sex with the other one ... so that would only lead me to a one night stand and if nothing bigger comes out of it well ... basta (nothing scary about)
Since I'm scared I'm lost ... just don't want to rush into anything I'd rather lose it ... just to keep pure the present feeling that I have.
BCberean : The problem isn't getting rid of the FEAR...but processing and expressing it....which..btw... YOU are doing right now
Yep I'm trying and here I am ...
Talking about it and your answers actually pushed me a little bit further on the thinking process about why the FEAR.
What I'm feeling in his arms I've never felt it from those I was supposed to get it (my mother, my father, whoever for instance I've always felt like I could take over whatever way better without them - there was more problems or dissapointement expecting anything from them than coping and fighting alone)
But rationnaly talking, I'm talking about a feeling here, I don't really know the guy ... what's weird is that the feeling is soooooooo strong ... where does it come from for real???So of course : (the following comes at the right moment about the feeling)
DJK : Stay with it for a while and if it continues to grow, then you'll know if it's love.
I guess I don't really have the choice ... But it's just too big already (but there is nothing really rational to stand on)
TyroneVL :
the reason I've talked about marriage is because I'm actually very, very, very against just like you said somehow love is an everyday involvement when marriage is only a vow.
That's why I'm even more scared about the fact that I've thought about it, like geeezz if this guy would want me to make this vow or even have kids I don't think I would be able to say NO ... I would like to please him without any consideration about my habillity to bear it (scary, scary, scary).
Thank you Tyrone I can tell I've met really good friends on here BTW !!! Love you !!!
and then
nvrgnbk : Life is short! Enjoy!
Yep ... Now that's the thing what will I miss, what would I lose depending on what's next (usualy I don't care I just go with my guts - and pay the full price when I'm wrong) for the very first time I'm stucked !!! Because what I'm really enjoying right now is the feeling itself
and then the details :
Greendawn : Do you want a long term, deep relationship rather than an ephemeral one? Many believe that sex without any feelings is a very shallow experience. So it depends how you perceive true and pretentious love.
The thing is that I don't really want anything but something deep/real/new (and something is new here I really feel good in his arms) whatever time it last - I just don't want to be dissapointed - that's why somehow by now and don't need or want more than that : being in his arms once in while to get this feeling again and as long as possible.
Most of the time guys more see me like a warrior/amazon I would say ... and somehow it put me in this situation ... but the way he is holding me is like he knows how very, very, very sensitive I am for real ... So it feels like he have a deeper understanding of who I am, and since he shows it this way I feel like he is able to protect me at least this way ... Means that I can fail I will still have those arms to tell me ... don't care baby I understand ... and that's all what I need (not even him to arrange anything or what - I might not even care about what's wrong) just knowing that he understands me is enough. I mean for once somehow I feel like a woman (not a man somehow in a woman's body).
and now I'm reading this topic again to see If I have more answers to think about and
Terry : You are going to laugh when I say the following sentence because it comes from me.
No, I do appreciate your input on this matter for instance - and I actually agree with it (I mean we don't have to agree on everything when I don't you know about it)
Terry : But, don't bother DEFINING the situation with a word. Don't put it in a box with a label. JUST GO WITH IT!
That's what I think and do most of the time when I have strong feelings but here I am in a very new situation and it brings so much relief as well as it got me scared that I for once wonder if I should or not keep this guy as a friend even lose him (as a man or friend) but keep the feeling pure and alive (is this possible ?)
Lonelysheep : I'm happy for you.Thank you ... actually that's what it's all about ... Just the feeling itself is good ... it's like by now more than that would be too much to handle (by me) ... but at the same time and for the very first time, for me it's like whatever he would want from me (which have something to do with love) he would get it ... which makes me feel quiet dependant already (scary, scary, scary).