I just don't understand

ttc99wilson

My wife and I have been married for 8 years and we have 2 boys (8 and 3). We are both unbaptized publishers and a few weeks ago she told me that she couldn't me married to me anymore and that she wanted her freedom and independence. Now we are pretty much separated and she has been pushing for divorce, she stays and home about 2 nights a week and the other nights she stays somewhere and doesn't tell me where. I have asked her if there is someone else and she has denied it repeatedly.

We were both on the spiritual roller coaster during our marriage, sometimes hot and sometimes cold. However, when all this happened I decided to turn to Jehovah and the elders and I have made up my mind I am going to get baptized. She, on the other hand, won't talk to the elders, she won't talk with the sister she was studying with and she has been spending most of her free time with worldy women from work and her mom (who is a witness and is supporting her decision to leave me).

I guess what I don't understand is how someone who has been around the Truth for so long (we were both also raised in the truth when we were kids) could turn to the world and its desires. She also told me that she needed to be happy and that being on her own would help her do that. So all I know is that she is putting her own desire to be happy before her own children who will suffer the most out of this.

I tell myself everyday not to lean on my own understanding but to trust in Jehovah and he will make my path straight (can't remember off hand what scripture that is). I guess what I am looking for now are friends who have been through a divorce and can offer some advice.

AK - Jeff

So sorry for your plight, tcc99wilson.

Your wife is likely having an affair - of course she denies it. She might also be having serious doubts about the religion and it's doctrine by the sounds of things, and her favoring associates outside the 'truth'. On that count, I hope she takes a hard look. And I hope you will also. There are lots of skeletons in that closet I am afraid.

Your life is about to change. Stick around here if you can and let us help you thru it if we can.

Jeff

jgnat

Who could you both turn to for marital and spiritual counsel? It sounds like she trusts the elders less and less, and you are leaning on them more and more. I think you need some neutral territory to work out your problems. How about a secular counsellor?

MadTiger

She is cheating.

You need to see about custody issues.

The chance of her "coming to her senses" as far as coming back to you are slim.

Just keeping it real.

ttc99wilson

I guess the one problem I am having is what I am supposed to do. The other day she asked me again to fill out the divorce papers. I told her when I got a letter to the elders saying she had been unfaithful that I would go along with the divorce. I haven't heard anything back from her. I don't understand why I am still scriptually obligated to her if she abandons me and leaves. She may never admit to having done anything, but if she has and I don't know then I will be stuck waiting around instead of getting on with my life. The problem I have is that Jesus said in Matthew that a man could only divorce his wife on the ground of adultery. There is no mention what to do if she leaves and turns to the world and its desires. I have a feeling that if we were living back in those times and she did this things would be a lot different then what the brothers recommend now.

OnTheWayOut

You are still an unbaptized publisher. You can read this great book at captivesofaconcept.com
or you can download that same book for $5 at http://www.lulu.com/content/128319

This could help you to make sure to examine everything before dedication.

You need to talk straight with your wife. If she's not having an affair, then it might
be the Witnesses that are her problem. You could promise not to do anything more
until you both illiminate her fears- examining whatever bothers her. People here can
help.

If it is an affair, but you want to get past it, certainly work on that before the religion stuff, because
the Witnesses would want her to wait since they define that as sin worth disfellowshipping for.
But since neither of you is baptized, you can just work on the marriage, if that's what you want,
and you don't have to worry about a judicial committee- just a couple of elders interferring and
wanting you all to stop being considered "publishers." Get some real counselling from a professional.

penny2

Hi ttc99wilson, welcome to JWD!

Sorry you are going through this.

I'm wondering if maybe you should hold off on the baptism while you are in an emotionally vulnerable state. It's something you may regret in the future if your life takes a different path again.

penny2

ttc99wilson

I have made up my mind about getting baptized. I would appreciate not getting advice from those of you that aren't witnesses or who were but aren't now.

I am not that upset anymore about her leaving.............if she wants to be a part of this system then that is her choice, I am more upset about what this will do to our children.

OnTheWayOut

I don't understand why I am still scriptually obligated to her if she abandons me and leaves. She may never admit to having done anything, but if she has and I don't know then I will be stuck waiting around instead of getting on with my life. The problem I have is that Jesus said in Matthew that a man could only divorce his wife on the ground of adultery. There is no mention what to do if she leaves and turns to the world and its desires. I have a feeling that if we were living back in those times and she did this things would be a lot different then what the brothers recommend now.

That does sound rough, but I think only Jehovah's Witnesses apply the information in such a way, maybe a few Fundamentalist groups. Anyway, I am certain that as an unbaptized man, granting her divorce, then doing what you want, you would still be in good graces with
GOD and even allowed to continue studying WT literature (if that's what you wanted) even if you started dating and got married, again.

To be safe, don't get baptized. Read that book I suggested, perhaps another book- CRISIS OF CONSCIENCE. You might find that one at a library, even. Sometimes the Watchtower Society can be very legalistic. If you are not baptized, then you live by different rules. If you know your wife cheated, then use those rules to your advantage. Don't let men tell you different from what you understand from Jesus and the Bible. The men won't hold it against you because of the technicality that you were never baptized- kind of silly, isn't it?

jgnat

What concerns me most is that it is not at all clear why she is abandoning her family, now. She's not sharing her feelings. If you know the why, it will help you a lot more in knowing what to do. There are four motives off the top of my head:

She has fallen for another man.
The whole motherhood and wife thing overwhelmed and she doesn't want to do it any more.
She's leaving the society, and you are collateral damage.
Somewhere along the line the two of you stopped talking and she's a stranger to you now.

It takes a lot for a woman with two small children to get to this stage. I think it is important to get to the bottom of this before you both write off the marriage. It is possible that even she is unclear as to why she must leave. Even if you can't stop the divorce, knowing why might give you some peace of mind. Also, consider that she is going to continue to be part of your life for many years to come, as you work out custody and visitation. The more you can do to understand each other, the easier it will be for both of you.

I just don't understand

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