I rarely ever go out seeking kind words...but I'm super down right now. Unfortunately, this being a forum, it's going to take a while before I get a return, but I can't sleep anyway.
Now the story I've been too embarassed to tell to anyone but my closest freinds. Some of you heard the begining, worded poorly, a while back (you won't remember it), but I never finished it:
There was a girl, JW and everything, that I had a major crush on. Yes, I relise liking a JW like that is stupid, I knew that then and now. But I'm 17, I'm a hopeless romantic, and I'm alone. Cut me some slack.
Basically, we hit it off perfect. She was attractive (In my eyes), and I loved her personality. Don't think I'm shallow either, there were plenty nicer looking girls I coulda chased after at my fingertips.
Even now, I realize that was the happiest time of my life, no doubt. I forgot that the meetings were horrible, because she was there. Service was fun, I had someone to talk to. Boring JW "get togethers"? Not boring anymore, I had a freind.
Despite having a crush on her, I knew we were only freinds. She treated me a bit nicer than 'just freinds', but I knew better than to start a relationship with a JW. Especially so young....she's 2 years younger than I am.
I was planning on just waiting for the feelings to go away. I knew it was inevitable. There was no way she'd ever leave, but I most certainly would. I always entertained notions of us 'running off from the JWs into the sunset', but I'm not quite foolish enough to give that any probability.
So we were just freinds. But the problem is...I have no experience with girls. This was my first female freind at all, since I was 5. I let my deeper feelings bleed through, and people noticed.
For 2 weeks, I got the cold shoulder...When I pressed forward for conversation, I got insults, and not so polite jabs. I was worried I had said or done something wrong, so 2 weeks after it first started...I asked her. Of course, not the courage to do so in person, so I used an IM program.
She asked me straight off if I liked her. I don't like lying unless its necessary. So I told the truth. She then told me she didn't feel that way about me, despite how she ever acted (Tell me what you think....I was invted over to her house on several occasions, basically unsupervised) .
She said that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore for a while. I was completely stunned...I said some stupid things (nothing mean). Basically that I didn't think it would be wise if we remained freinds...
For a week I was on the verge of tears, cried once or twice....I couldn't stand it. I knew I'd regret it if I just let a freind go like that. There's nothing I value more than a freind. The people you CHOOSE to be with, not just family.
So I asked her, once again with the IM program (mistake), only a week later (mistake), if we could be freinds. Her best female freind was also online. They decided to both attack me at the same time, and exchange notes with each other while doing it. I'd seen them do it before, didn't think it was all that nice of them, and had asked they never do that to me....
I was informed that I was no longer allowed to speak to her at all. Lest I be punished. My words were misunderstood, twisted into ammunition.
What once was a blessing is now a curse...She's in the same bookstudy, same hall, and her mother and my mother are best freinds. I was just becoming good freinds with her best freind's brother, which is now gone. I can't be around him while I feel like his sister could kill me at any moment. It feels wrong.
Whatever few freinds I had are now cut in half. I don't have the desire or energy to maintain any of the freinds I have now. I'm incapable of making new friends. I'm homeschooled, and I only have face to face access to JWs.
Sure I keep up apperances as if nothing happened. But now I'm more using them to keep from going insane. I don't like having fake freinds, especially when I'm forced to.
Since then, I don't exist. She doesn't hear me, she doesn't see me. If I'm talking to someone, and she decides she wants to talk to them, I am no obstacle, I'm invisible. If I am for a moment mentioned in that conversation, I am just as quickly dismissed...
I talked to her last 3 months ago. While the majority of the pain is gone, I still feel it.
But she was there...
I did 5 laps around the colleseum, to get her out of my head. It accomplished nothing other than burning calories.
Later that day, I for some reason found myself talking to her best freind's brother. I don't want to be impolite, so we talk rarely. His sister walks up to ask him a question...
His sister has a little smile on her face, asks me how I'm doing, what I've been up to...I want to give a good impression, I'm not angry at either of them, I want to be respectful of her wish not to talk to me. So I smile back and say "good, not much."
I don't know how to interperate this. I didn't get the sense that she was angry, as I have before.
I have to go to sleep early, so I can wake up early. But all I can think about is her...Why does she ignore me? Is she angry? Guilty? Does that smile on her freind's face mean I'm no longer hated? Or am I the butt of a joke and don't realize it? Why can't we just get PAST this and be freinds again...?
All I want is my freind back.
Everytime I play a scenario to bid for freindship...it ends in absolute disaster. I thought I knew both of them well. But this whole situation clued me into a darker side I ignored. Neither of them are all that nice....why do I even want to be freinds? Why do I CARE what they think?
If I go to her freind first (I won't approch her first, I'm not allowed to speak to her), I get the feeling I'll be rejected immediately. If not, I'll be eyed with suspicion. Even if I do get past her freind, and manage to get a few words in, she probably hates me, and will have no problem TELLING me that in front of everyone to see...
The only answer I can come up with is....I am weak. I have noone to hold me and tell me everything will be OK. Noone is there that I can talk to. Anyone who could possibly give a damn is in no position to help. And above all....
I am alone.
Stupid teenager(me) needs some nice words... *extremely long, sorry*
by Anony-Mouse 23 Replies latest jw friends
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Anony-Mouse
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nvrgnbk
Love ya, man!
You add alot here.
I hope you can skake it off. You will.
I'm sure of it.
This feels like your world is ending. It is important to you. Your feelings are real.
You loved her. You'll probably love many more.
When I was 17, the words above would have meant nothing to me. Cry as you need to. Never regret having loved.
It's gonna get better.
Wish I could say more to cheer you up. Just know most of us, if not all of us, have been there.
You're gonna be fine.
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changeling
Your feelings are normal.
You are young. Your heart will be broken and you will break hearts.
Enjoy the good and ride out the bad.
changeling
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BlackPearl
You'll be OK. Maybe you should treat her like she's treating you? If she likes you, and you "shun" her like she's "shunning" you, that'll probably give her an attitude adjustment. She thinks she's in control...wrong...you are. If you let her think she's controlling the situation, you're toast. Turn it around...and she'll be begging you to be friends again.
BP
(P.S. it's hard to do, but it works)
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SnakesInTheTower
AM
no problem on the "long story" I tend to be a bit long of word too.
sighhhh... I am twice your age and then some...(assuming the age listed to the side is accurate).... but teenagers are not the only ones who this happens to.
When I was in my early 20s and a friend who was in her late 20s ... a single sister who I pioneered with .... people kept assuming we were a couple...we were close friends, talked a lot (cause we were in the ministry a lot, socialized a lot with other singles).... it finally blew up 15 plus years ago... 10 years goes by...I hear from her maybe half dozen times. then about 5 years ago (then I was in my late 30s she in her early 40s) I hear her mom has cancer, so, being a true friend, I call her up... we talk, reconnect and friendship reestablished. yayy! We attend some social functions together, but again we never tried to make that love connection....others did try to do so on our behalf.... So she felt the need to break off the friendship again... this time I think for good. i have seen or spoken to her maybe a dozen times in the last 5 years...mostly about work related matters. We are in different circuits now, so I never see her...which may be for the best. I only wish her well. She is a good person.
I tell you this because I hated to lose such a close trusted friend in my life, even though we never had a romantic connection...we had talked about it and we knew better...we would have killed each other. AM....your real friends will not cast you aside, they will stick close to you.... REAL friends do not ridicule or make fun of their friends. She was not a real friend to you. The close friends I have will not abandon me.... I think only the Borg would possibly cause a division if push came to shove and I ever D/f or D/a'd, and even then some of those same friends would stay in touch quietly.
Move on, its tough to say, tougher to do.... I know from repeated experience....you will get through this.... sorry I dont have any specific advice.....hang in there and keep posting here.
SnakesInTheTower (of the "hates to lose friends, but (S*)it happens" Sheep Class)
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choosing life
Anony-Mouse,
Girls of that age are quite fickle and can treat others with little disregard for their feelings. Have you heard of the movie, "Mean Girls"? I raised a daughter and watched as her and her friends would turn on one girl then gang up and turn on each other. Didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason, they can be very mean spirited though.
The good thing is that they eventually outgrow this stage (most of them). You might try looking at girls a little older or just wait and see if she changes her mind, if you are really hung up on her. JWs make it so hard on teenagers, so I feel for you. Any way to get through highschool and into college pretty quickly? Sounds like you need to have some live interaction with others your age.
Hang in there. It does get better.
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nvrgnbk
What choosing life said.
Go for the older girls right now.
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r.a.m.
I know how you feel. The friends I had as a teenager where THE world to me. Way more important than family. They made me feel whole. Two of my friends were df'd and at the time I felt that I shouldn't talk to them and now they're lost to me from all the time apart. One of my friends lives a life of fake happiness, not as a witness anymore, but even worse, without God. I have my husband and his sister. It took a while for me to get over those friends. I held onto the special feelings I had with them. I yearned for it. But I couldn't have it. The only way I ever got over it was because of my Father and His son, Jesus. I've developed a relationship with them that I didn't know was possible and there's so much more waiting for me where that came from.
I'd honestly suggest this. Start praying to God and ask for His help to get over this girl. Then, EVERY TIME that you think of her and begin to miss her, say to yourself "NO, I can't have her. She isn't for me. I have to move on and focus on the good that I can do for God. I will be provided with a wonderful girl who God wants me to have, if that's His will." Something like that. I sincerely hope that you believe in God and Jesus. Maybe you don't. But the WTS does a great job at keeping Jesus out of our reach, and in turn, God too. As witnesses, we don't really know God, and have no clue about the love that is Jesus. So it takes a while to get to know them. The best way to do that is to pray, asking for help to really know them, read the bible, especially Matt, Mark, Luke, John, and everything from Paul. Also, James, read that. James is amazing. Basically it's about caring for others, loving them and not ignoring someone in need. Like Jesus. We have to follow Jesus. How would he handle every situation we find ourselves in? Wouldn't he try to help when he can, and leave it behind when there's nothing more that can be done?
You WILL get past this. But it's up to YOU to let her go. Not to let your feelings for her ruin you. You know you can't make her love you. So you have to move forward. Do it with God's help. Don't rely on yourself. Let them help. Every time you feel weak, pray. I hope this helps because I know that Jesus and our Father WILL help you because they love you. Don't belive the lie that they don't care about you or that they don't exist. That's so far from the truth. God is real. Jesus is real. They are here for you with arms extended toward you, waiting for you to grab hold. -
Dawn
I completely understand how you are feeling right now. I went through a similar situation when I was 17 with a boy that I was in love with.We were waiting until we turned 18 to get married. His parents wanted him to go to Bethel and forbid us to date so we promised to wait for each other.
I have no idea why - but a couple of weeks later he and his friends started treating me really bad. It broke my heart. And I didn't think I would EVER heal from that. I knew that my heartache was more deep and powerful than anyone could imagine.
But I did make it through, and I healed.
That was 20+ years ago and since then I have had some incredibly amazingly terrific times, and some incredibly sad times. But I have learned a very important lesson from these. There is a line from the movie "Castaway" that embodies that lesson. Tom Hank's character is telling his friend how he kept going on the island and he says "I just kept breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise, and you never know what the tide will bring."
This is so true! You never know what is just around the corner. If I had married that boy I would never have went out with my neighbor's friend who was home from college, would never have fallen in love with him, married, had the family we have, and the life I have now.
You just never know what the tide will bring. And perhaps your friend will change her mind as the gossip subsides and return to being your friend.
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BFD
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hate love.
AM, I am sorry that the object of your affection seems not to be reciprocating. Just remember one thing, it's her loss.
BFD